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Post by Mrs H on Jul 30, 2007 12:11:11 GMT -1
The Basil Brush Television Show was taken off the air in 1982 when Basil called a small child on the show "a weird, suppress monkey pumper".
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Post by Shippers on Jul 30, 2007 12:12:25 GMT -1
the BBC server is serviced by sooty, who of course is now contracted to ITV. this puts him in a very difficult position because there is clearly a conflict of interests.
His last visit to fix it happened to fall on a day when he was in 'one of those moods'. Sue refused to let him fire his water pistol (insert gag as you see fit) and matthew corbett had decided to listen to status quo through headphones (thus rendering him incapable of holding any sort on conversation with sooty). So in frustration sooty took the BBC server and did something unmentionable involving margarine and a copy of national geograhpic.
When fixing the server sooty decided on using MDF rather than plywood as he felt it the more durable material and there really was not weight limitations so why not go the whole hog.
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Post by Ninja Squirrel on Jul 30, 2007 12:15:07 GMT -1
TV Kids show Knightmare was canceled when a leaked report to the daily mail exposed that it was actually a CIA recruiting programme those that "died" on the show where executed in real life to stop the story spreading
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Post by Shippers on Jul 30, 2007 12:16:25 GMT -1
Google searches 3 million websites in a matter of split seconds. This is actually not true, because Bernard, from CITV programme Bernard's watch sits in front of a computer and stops time and then searches all 3 million sites manually and compiles a list in order of relevence. As there have been about 14 different bernards the unemployed 13 are now all used for this purpose, hence we think google's service has improved over the years.
Of course most searches are now just duplicate searches of past results so they have complied a humungus database of search results. This allows the bernards a bit of more 'real time' free time to go skipping or groping girls.
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Post by Shippers on Jul 30, 2007 12:19:58 GMT -1
The Basil Brush Television Show was taken off the air in 1982 when Basil called a small child on the show "a weird, suppress monkey pumper". I actually laughed out loud when I read that one earlier H. mornings actually didn't exist until the death of Stalin. The fact that nothing in russia happened, or at least nothing worked, whilst the country was in mourning bared destinct resemblence to the early hours of each day in all countries. As the human mind functions best whilst asleep the first few (I like to think 12) hours of the day are 'adjusting time'. Basketball player Alonso Mourning refused to do anything in the afternoon or night (claiming 'mourning by name morning by nature'). As a result his coaches had to reset his watch so that he thought 5 in the afternoon was in fact 1 o clock in the morning. As a result Alonso was awake and raring to go when evening Bball games came round. He was actually a very average centre, but the americans believed him to be a legend because all the other basketball players were very tired after a long day shaking milk to create NBA endorsed milk shakes.
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Post by Mrs H on Jul 30, 2007 12:23:30 GMT -1
PMSL
Despite the the reports which claim 'she'll be coming round the mountain when she comes' doctors insist that no woman has one that loose.
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Post by Shippers on Jul 30, 2007 12:26:48 GMT -1
Apparently Northern boys love Gravy.
I am originally from the westcountry, but now live in Liverpool, I love gravy and always have. Do I count?
Gravy was invented by Seth from Emmerdale in 1704 when he accidently melted half a cow (we've all been there) and added a bit of cornflour. He poured the hot mixture over his dinner (unfortunately the combination didn't work because that night he was eating spaghetti carbonara) and when asked whether the new concoction was a success he replied 'its all gravy baby'.
thus the term gravy came about. Unfortunately down the ages commercial gravy makers and TV chefs have gradually changed the contents of gravy so that it is actually much cheaper to produce (much like the peanut butter industry did with the 'great broccoli phase in') but it remains a symbol of our national identity.
We are british and proud of our sloppy brown goo!
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Post by addicted2venos on Jul 30, 2007 12:27:13 GMT -1
The classic line from Gone with the Wind, ‘quite frankly my dear...I don't give a damn!’, was a hasty re-write. The original line was 'I mourn for my lost marmoset, Lucifer'. I have the original version with many clips that were lost on the cutting room floor. The scene that begins with Rhett Butler saying ‘butter me up, and bring me a Starbar’ still brings an emotional tear to my eye!
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Post by Shippers on Jul 30, 2007 12:27:48 GMT -1
Channel 4's the crystal maze was never intended to be such a grandiose project.
Initially a crypton factor style show, it was due to be shown late at night on thursdays. For this time slot the channel four TV execs (in their corderouy trousers) decided to hire Richard O'Brien who was famously into doing late night cult things (like starting cults late at night - never successful because you greatly restrict you target audience by recruiting when most people are asleep).
O'Brien loved the idea and jumped at the chance, even drawing up the contracts and offering to do the show for free. The C4 execs jumped at the chance and signed immediately, not noticing that rather than film in the studio with one game constructed for each portion of the show they had actually agreed to build a ridiculously ellaborate set in O'Brien's back yard.
In the end a legal battle ensued (the project was originally thought up in 1963) and the construction began on a pleasure dome of challenging games much like that in the famous poem about Kubla Kahn or the film Citizen Kane.
O'Brien also managed to wangle into the contract that he was allowed to purchase a vast wardrobe of animal print jackets and leather trousers, a harmonica and a comedy writer to come up with amusing whimsical quips to put the contestants off. Unfortunately O'Brien made the horrendous mistake of hiring then BBC host of pets win prizes Danny Baker, thus rendering his quips irritating and pointless.
Because Channel 4 went so wildly over budget on the project they never actually bought a prize. Instead they came up with a final challenge of grabbing a certain number of gold tockens in a glass arena with a wind mahcine in it. They never actually had the sufficient number of tickets so the contestents never actually one that activity week in bolton, hang gliding, pot holing and braiding each other's bumhairs.
The show was shot in real time and contestants who got locked into zones where actually left there to rot or to be eaten at O'Briens leisure (clause 49c of the initial contract).
When contestants failed to complete the final challenge triumphantly they were presented with a commemorative crystal in presentation case. Only 6 of these crystals where ever made as the failing contestents where put to death by O'Brien's small cult as a sacrifice to the god of leopard print. This is why you never meet someone who was on the crystal maze in real life. It's like woodstock, if you remember being on it you weren't there.
The contestants were forced to wear hideous jump suits in bright colours, as the C4 execs thought it might make O'Brien's outlandish appearence slightly more acceptable to the naked eyes. They also had their hair styled into the most 80s fashoin possible by children's TV presenter Normski (who was a bit short on cash at the time).
Channel 4 eventual managed to offload O'Brien after a string of series (clause 78gg claims only O'Brien could comission a new series, which he did frequently) after yet another complex legal battle.
The basis for the C4 execs case was that O'Brien was actually breaking his contract as the woman whom he referred to on the show was not his biological mother but in fact Yvette Fielding - a blue peter presenting friend of his who needed the work. this flagrant lie was the grounds for O'Brien to be dissmissed and the entire set seized by channel 4.
This explains the series with Ed Tudor Pole as host. Unfortunately this series was poo and the show subsequently flopped.
O'Brien can often be found in Weatherspoons across the nation sat in a corner crying with his 'I started a cult' in metal studs emblazened leather jacket.
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Post by addicted2venos on Jul 30, 2007 12:29:34 GMT -1
The idea of space, stars, constallations and the cosmos is a giant lie created by my Nan. At the end of each day my Nan pulls a giant black curtain around the earth, so you can get to sleep. Over time frequent washing of the curtain (my nan is very house proud you know!!) has made small holes in the curtain which let little bits of light through, these are what you have all been duped into believing are stars!!
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Post by Shippers on Jul 30, 2007 12:33:19 GMT -1
Starbucks was never intended as a coffee house, instead it was supposed to be a chain of stores selling only the newly named starburst (ne opal fruits). A typographical error in the letter to the sign makers ensured the business was never going to make it in the confectionary business.
The cheif owner, Paul Daniels, then decided that maybe over priced coffee would work instead of the chewy, fruity sweets. His entire premise for the design was to have tables which were adorned with printing that looked like a chess board but never giving customers pieces to play chess with. Thus the customers are confused into to a caffiene infused chaos and feel they must wait until they have finished their Chess game. This is why people you know often call you Youri when you are in starbucks.
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Post by jh1980 on Jul 30, 2007 12:36:41 GMT -1
I'm assuming these are ALL old ones, or today is surprisingly productive for you guys! However I feel all left out of the reminiscencing experience now... so I shall throw down my rattle and be on the cunting thread (typo deliberate)...
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Post by Mrs H on Jul 30, 2007 12:43:16 GMT -1
An all time classic from Kieran
Through hazy sunlight I taste magic marker pens It pleases my cat
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Post by Shippers on Jul 30, 2007 12:44:03 GMT -1
Papal infallibility (the concept dreamt up by Catholics that the pope cannot be wrong) accounts for the jackpot for the national lottery every week.
He puts different numbers in each week and the people at camelot are obliged to conform to his numbers as he cannot be wrong. Therefore the vatican is stinking rich. He used to do it on the football pools but Wimbledon wouldn't comply and it all became very messy with Joe Kinnear.
he pope is supposedly a direct descendant of of the apostle paul (who initially set up the church). To find a new pope however the cardinals vote for which one of them will be promoted to pope. Thus surely all the cardinals would have to be descendants of Paul, otherwise they could get in wrong (they're not pope yet folks).
With this in mind my spurious fact is that the qualification to become a cardinal is to have a dad called paul. My dad is called Graeme, so I've not got a cat in hell's chance of becoming pope. When the guy who's dad is called Paul does get promoted they change his name. The last pope was called Carol, but we all knew him as John Paul II (to prevent the cross-dressing rumours). What if they changed the pope from say Clive to Paul, then when he's at home and his mum calls 'Paul' there will be a problem over who answers as his dad is already called Paul, and if Paul Jnr chooses to answer, as pope, he can't be wrong. Therefore even if mum thought she wanted to talk to Paul Snr if Paul Jnr answers it is she who was wrong.
This nightmare could become even more confounded should the parents have named Pope Paul's brother after his dad. Therefore having a Paul Snr (Dad), Paul Jnr (Pope's brother) and Pope Paul (pope). Is it rude to refer to the pope as pp for short in a household environment. They can't shorten Paul any other way. It's just a minefield.
The last pope paul was actually murdered by his mum (who put dry cleaning fluid on his cornflakes instead of milk) because every time she was having relations with Paul(Dad) and called out his name pope paul would come in. due to papal infallibility they had to stop as it was right for Paul(pope) to come in (also it's a bit uncomfortable getting down and dirty with the pope watching).
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Post by Mrs H on Jul 30, 2007 12:46:21 GMT -1
Clara the long distance lorry driver from Pidgeon Street has given up trucking to become a prostitute.
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Post by jh1980 on Jul 30, 2007 12:51:12 GMT -1
Clara the long distance lorry driver from Pidgeon Street has given up trucking to become a prostitute. My first love is now a prossie?!
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Post by Mrs H on Jul 30, 2007 12:52:15 GMT -1
Clara the long distance lorry driver from Pidgeon Street has given up trucking to become a prostitute. My first love is now a prossie?! You loved Clara? But she was quite clearly a lesbinim
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Post by Mrs H on Jul 30, 2007 12:55:41 GMT -1
Absolute genius Kieran PMSL
I find that when Casualty appears on TV that my psychic powers, are hightened to such a level I realise I actually have some. Here are the universal truths of Casualty and Holby City, that I've learned using my psychotic powers. When the show starts and the first person you see who isn't a regular member of the cast, is going to die!! The person who isn't revealing the full details behind what has happened to them, will have a very sad story to tell. The old person will snuff it the end!! I have saved myself 74.2 hours since I realised Casualty and Holby City are if fact the same programme, and are both self replicating steaming heaps of dung. I lay the blame squarely at Edwin Currie's door, for no particular reason. When Casualty or Holby City is on, I alternate between watching one of my two favourite videos instead, the first is 'Bill Oddie goes Birding', the second is the slightly less well known 'Bill Oddie goes Dogging'!!
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Post by Mrs H on Jul 30, 2007 12:57:13 GMT -1
If you smack your face with a saucepan 50 times on a cold wet November night you will become Patrick Kielty. This magic is unreversible and explains why hes everywhere despite being disliked by so many people.
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Post by Mrs H on Jul 30, 2007 12:58:19 GMT -1
606 is actually run by the devil. It was originally the 666 messageboard but the devil lost 60lbs on the Slim Fast Diet and thus it became the 606 board.
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