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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Feb 26, 2008 11:21:53 GMT -1
Some mornings I wake up bitchy
Other mornings I let her sleep.
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Post by T C on Feb 26, 2008 11:47:48 GMT -1
I've been given two weeks to live
The wife goes to her mothers for a fortnight
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Jul 4, 2008 21:28:25 GMT -1
A bloke walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, 'What you doing?' She answers, 'I'm moving to Derby . I heard prostitutes there get paid £100 a night for doing what I do for you for free.' A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he is going, he replies, 'I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on £200 a year.'
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Jul 4, 2008 21:49:06 GMT -1
A fella gets pissed and passed out on the beach in Miami for four hours; getting horrendous sunburn, specifically to the front of his legs above his knees.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs..
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Jul 4, 2008 22:38:07 GMT -1
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'
The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Sept 17, 2008 21:01:23 GMT -1
With all this Olympic Games going on many companies are making money out of all sorts of marketing spin-offs including one company doing a range of condoms, Gold, Silver and Bronze.
I told the missus I was going to get some Gold Medal versions to match my performance. She said " Get the Silver ones, it would be nice for you to come second for once!"
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Sept 17, 2008 21:02:02 GMT -1
A skull and a set of jump leads walk up to a bar..
Bouncer: Not tonight, lads.
Skull: Why not?
Bouncer: Cause you're out of your head, and he's going to start something!
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Post by RMBB on Sept 18, 2008 14:02:46 GMT -1
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Oct 24, 2008 22:50:17 GMT -1
A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"
The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!"
The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Oct 24, 2008 22:51:30 GMT -1
A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his tatties.
An American farmer looked over the fence and said "In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!"
The Scotsman replied " Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths!"
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Nov 21, 2008 22:14:14 GMT -1
Wife gets naked & asks hubby,'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies,'Your sense of humour!'
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Nov 21, 2008 22:18:05 GMT -1
A young fella asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, 'Fuck the pills, have you seen the purple dragons in the kitchen?!'
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Nov 21, 2008 22:18:38 GMT -1
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Nov 21, 2008 22:50:00 GMT -1
My wife wanted me to make love to her like in the movies.
So, I stuck it in her arse and cum over her face.
She went fucking mental.
I guess we don't watch the same films.
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Post by Neko Bazu on Dec 8, 2008 20:27:28 GMT -1
When Madonna first moved to England, she said she wanted to feel more English. She is now an unmarried, single mother with three kids from different fathers, one of them black.
Job done.
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Post by Argyle_Smurf on Dec 8, 2008 21:06:16 GMT -1
;D ;D ;D
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Post by Neko Bazu on Jan 5, 2009 22:17:20 GMT -1
If we're all God's children, why is Jesus so special?
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on Jan 7, 2009 12:23:09 GMT -1
When Madonna first moved to England, she said she wanted to feel more English. She is now an unmarried, single mother with three kids from different fathers, one of them black. Job done.
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Post by Golden_Boy™ on Mar 27, 2009 15:31:14 GMT -1
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?
LET'S GO RIDE BIKES!!!
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