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Post by peter2dc on Aug 5, 2006 18:26:14 GMT -1
exalt right back at ya...
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Post by Fizzy Bread on Aug 5, 2006 18:41:46 GMT -1
Awful shit there Pete!! ;D Have an exalt! aaaw...thank you for your sympathy vote...love you too! They were that bad they're funny!! Ta
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Post by peter2dc on Aug 5, 2006 18:49:24 GMT -1
well...I try...god its quiet on a saturday...
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Oct 16, 2006 19:26:11 GMT -1
A husband and his blonde wife were driving along the country side one Sunday just putt-puttin along.... and as they were driving, the blonde saw another blonde out in an open field rowing a boat. Out of sheer and utter shock she screamed to her husband "Stop.. stop this car right now!". The blonde jumped out of the car and ran over to the fence and screamed at the top of her lungs " It's dumb ass blondes like you that give us such a bad name....
....if I could swim I would come out there and whip your ass!"
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Post by redwhine on Nov 6, 2006 13:48:10 GMT -1
The war only started 'cos Bush is afraid of spiders.
Iraqnaphoobia?
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Nov 20, 2006 15:38:44 GMT -1
The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things.
First: Why did you revolt?
Second: How did you get out of your cell?"
One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful."
"I see. And what did you use to break the bars?", the warden asked.
Replied the spokesman, "Our Toast..."
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Jan 24, 2007 12:42:56 GMT -1
A woman announces to her husband on eevening the local that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her tits. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
His wife asks, "How do I do it without surgery, then?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled, she asks, "How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't fucking know, but it worked for your arse."
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Post by MRMILLWALL on Feb 15, 2007 5:01:52 GMT -1
In tescos
A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't you fucking idiot! The oldest, he's nine and the younger one, she's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins...? Do you really think they look alike, you fucking dickhead?" "Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!"
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 9, 2007 21:42:53 GMT -1
A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car.
"The fuckers've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line.
"Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the backseat by mistake!"
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Post by Stan on Mar 21, 2007 12:14:24 GMT -1
Knowing when to shut up >>> >>> A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they >>> stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and
>>> there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last >>> year." >>> >>> The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He >>> mated 50 times last year." >>> >>> They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, >>> "This bull mated 120 times last year. " >>> >>> The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than >>> twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." >>> >>> They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, >>> in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife,
>>> so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, >>> "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one." >>> >>> The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was >>> with the same cow." >>> >>> NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to >>> stable and he should eventually make a full recovery. >
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Post by Stan on Mar 21, 2007 12:15:03 GMT -1
Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. >>> > > >One took a window seat and the other >>> > > >sat next to him in the middle seat. >>> > > > >>> > > >Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the >>> > aisle >>> > > seat. >>> > > > >>> > > >After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, >>> > > >wiggled his toes and was settling in when the >>> > > >Arab in the window seat said, >>> > > >"I need to get up and get a coke." >>> > > > >>> > > >"Don't get up," said the Marine, >>> > > >"I'm in the aisle seat, >>> > > >I'll get it for you." >>> > > > >>> > > >As soon as he left, one of the Arabs >>> > > >picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. >>> > > > >>> > > >When the Marine returned with the coke, the other >>> > > >Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, >>> > > too." >>> > > > >>> > > >Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. >>> > > > >>> > > >While he was gone the other Arab picked up the >>> > > >Marines other shoe and spat in it. >>> > > > >>> > > >When the Marine returned, they all sat back and >>> > > enjoyed the flight. >>> > > >As the plane was landing, >>> > > >the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes >>> > > >and knew immediately what had happened. >>> > > > >>> > > >"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. >>> > > >"How long must this go on? >>> > > >This fighting between our nations? >>> > > >This hatred? This animosity? >>> > > >This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
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Post by Stan on Mar 21, 2007 12:15:44 GMT -1
A scouser was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. 'Who's he?' said the scouser.
'That's the Memory Man.' said the bartender. 'He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.' So the scouser goes over, and thinking he won't know about English football, asks 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'
'Liverpool' replies the Memory Man. 'Who did they beat?' 'Leeds' was the reply. 'And the score?' '2-1' 'Who scored the winning goal?' 'Ian St. John' was the old man's reply.
The scouser was knocked out by this and told everyone about the Memory Man
when he got back home. A few years later he went back to the USA and tried
to find the Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. The scouser decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue. He approached him and said 'How'. The Memory man replied.....'Diving header in the six yard box.'
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Post by Stan on Mar 21, 2007 14:02:33 GMT -1
53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a "Geordies Are Not Stupid" convention. Alan Shearer addresses the crowd "We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please ?" Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Shearer asks him "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Geordies start chanting "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!" Shearer says "Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance. So he asks "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?" Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying. But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!" Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, " What is 2 plus 2?" Silence hangs over the stadium. Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?" Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream ............. "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!" HOWAY THEM LADS
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Apr 27, 2007 20:03:01 GMT -1
A man says to his wife "Say something to me that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."
The wife replies "You have a much bigger cock than your brother".
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Apr 28, 2007 20:17:31 GMT -1
Husband and wife in bed together. She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She:"Oh that feels good." His hand moves to her breast.
She: "Gee, honey that feels wonderful." His hand moves to her leg.
She: "Oh, honey, don't stop." But he stops.
She: "Why did you stop?"
He:"I found the remote
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Post by Roaster©®™ on May 18, 2007 21:40:59 GMT -1
I know I'm never going to understand women.
I'll never understand how they can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto their shins, thighs and pubic area, rip the hairs out by the roots
......and still be afraid of a spider.
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Post by Roaster©®™ on May 18, 2007 21:55:31 GMT -1
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
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Post by Teesside White on May 19, 2007 12:23:19 GMT -1
I know I'm never going to understand women. I'll never understand how they can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto their shins, thighs and pubic area, rip the hairs out by the roots ......and still be afraid of a spider. heres a similar 1 tut tut women............boob jobs, liposuction, face lifts, tummy tucks, waxes, pierced lips, noses, eyebrows, ears, belly's and clits .......but they still wont take it up the arse cos it hurts
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leicesterlass
Trainee
Retired. Catch me on facebook/e-mail on my profile if you wish.
Posts: 8
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Post by leicesterlass on May 22, 2007 16:05:20 GMT -1
Leeds have just signed the Korean U21 international, Lee Gwon.
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gt
Non League Player (someone crap, like Boston)
Posts: 51
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Post by gt on May 22, 2007 16:14:19 GMT -1
We've signed his former team mate Yu Bluwitt
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