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Post by Roaster©®™ on May 25, 2007 23:15:18 GMT -1
A lady is out playing golf and get's stung by a bee.
She goes to the pro shop for help and asks the man behind the counter for help..."I was just stung by a bee".
The pro asks.... "where did you get stung?"....
The lady replies...."between hole # 1 and hole #2...
The man says..."I told you your stance was too wide".....
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on May 26, 2007 13:31:36 GMT -1
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
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Post by Roaster©®™ on May 28, 2007 23:17:47 GMT -1
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just shit in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
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Post by Roaster©®™ on May 28, 2007 23:18:27 GMT -1
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ??"
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Post by Roaster©®™ on May 28, 2007 23:47:43 GMT -1
If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper.
And a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker.
And a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper.
What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?
Answer: A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on May 29, 2007 8:11:59 GMT -1
A couple touring wales stop at a restaurant in Llandhantryuellywelynardcyum and are debating an issue so they ask the waitress to help...."Could you settle an argument for us and pronounce where we are veeeeerryyy sloooowwwllyy?"
"yes" says the assistant, "buuuurrrggeeeerrr kinggg"
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Jun 2, 2007 21:04:56 GMT -1
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "bloody hell", I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Jun 7, 2007 18:59:13 GMT -1
"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
"A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'"
"It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in."
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Jun 7, 2007 18:59:55 GMT -1
"So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'"
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sheepshag
League 2 Player
[M0:24]DEVON RAMS
Posts: 105
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Post by sheepshag on Jul 21, 2007 14:41:15 GMT -1
GOOD NEWS for the LADIES........ A British Electronic Company has designed a Micro Chip which can play endless Music non-stop and can be fitted inside Silicon Breast iimplants.
FOR YEARS Women have been complaining that all men ever want to do is to stare at their tits and won't listen to them..
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Post by MRMILLWALL on Aug 11, 2007 0:51:08 GMT -1
A millionaire was holding a party at his mansion when he decided to hold a competition. He said "any of you blokes that can swim the length of my crocodile infested swimming pool can have £100,000 and any c**t you want". Everyone then turned round to each other and said "f**k that". Next minute you see this skinny bloke in the water swimming for life, the crocodiles are going beserk, he's going berserker. Anyway he gets to other side. The men are amazed and all women are applauding, the millionaire is dumbstruck. He says "congratulations mate that's one of the most amazing things I've ever seen, he's your £100,000, now then which c**t do you want" The man, who is sill puffing and panting says "the c**t that pushed me in".
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Sept 28, 2007 22:04:33 GMT -1
I rear-ended a car this morning...
I knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day.
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!
He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy".
I said, "So which one of the fuckers ARE you then?"
That's when the fight started!!!
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Sept 28, 2007 22:08:33 GMT -1
A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."
He replies, "Your fucking eyesight's near perfect."
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Sept 29, 2007 16:17:02 GMT -1
Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.
The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."
So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our fucking car."
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Post by GeoFox on Oct 27, 2007 16:04:52 GMT -1
Milan Mandaric sees an old lady crossing the road carrying two heavy bags. He shouts over to her "Can you manage love?" Old lady replies "Piss off i dont want the job."
;D
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Post by mortontheblade on Oct 27, 2007 16:05:37 GMT -1
Milan Mandaric sees an old lady crossing the road carrying two heavy bags. He shouts over to her "Can you manage love?" Old lady replies "Piss off i dont want the job." ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by GeoFox on Oct 27, 2007 16:11:44 GMT -1
We've gone above you again today!
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Post by mortontheblade on Oct 27, 2007 16:13:15 GMT -1
bah
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Nov 7, 2007 22:48:47 GMT -1
Why don't witches wear underwear?
To get a better grip on the broom !!
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Nov 15, 2007 22:40:28 GMT -1
A young man goes to a brothel to experience his first taste of sex.
The madam suggests that he start with 69. He decides to give it a try.
The prostitute leads him to a room, gets undressed, and instructs the young man to eat her pussy. Unfortunately, just as he starts she farts.
The man quietly says to himself, "phew", but he goes down on her again.
A moment later she farts again. He says "phew", but continues.
Once more she farts. This time he immediately gets up and starts walking out. She asks him what's wrong, and he replies "I don't think I can take another 66 of those fuckers!"
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