|
Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 7, 2006 22:51:13 GMT -1
A carrot walks into a bar, propss himself onto the stool and orders "Pint o' Guiness please mate"
the bartender replies, "sorry, we dont serve food!"
BA DUM TISH lol
|
|
|
Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 7, 2006 22:55:17 GMT -1
A bartender bets with a man, "I bet you cant make my donkey over there laugh!"
"I bet i can, but whats it worth"
"ill gi' ya free drink for just you all night long until it hits midnight"
"Deal", so he jumps down from his stool, whispers in his donkeys ears and the donkeys falling abotu laughing.
"wow thats amazing mate, here have a glass" the bartender says pouring him drinks as fast as he can drink. The guy hobbles out.
The next day he returns and the bartender asks "look mate, i wanna get even... if you can make my donkey cry, you have to pay me for all the drink you had last night, if he cries you can have free drink. Deal?"
"Deal!" The man says.
He wanders over to the donkey, whispers something in his ear and theres a quick shuffle between the two.
The donkey bursts into tears...
"How the heck did you make him laugh and cry mate!?" Said the barman pouring the man out a drink.
"Well yesterday i said i had a bigger dick than him, today i proved it!"
|
|
|
Post by linslade04ltfc on Feb 8, 2006 10:08:58 GMT -1
A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the Merrill Lynch office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off. More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful midnight blue Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!" After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life." "How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" sobs the Porsche owner. The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you." The Londoner looks down in horror ."****ING HELL !" he screams........
"Where's my Rolex??..."
|
|
|
Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 8, 2006 13:05:53 GMT -1
HAHAHAHAHA!
|
|
|
Post by Fizzy Bread on Feb 8, 2006 14:34:22 GMT -1
This is so bad but you'll at least smile..
What's the difference between Roast beef and Pea soup?
Most people can roast beef.
|
|
|
Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 8, 2006 14:46:16 GMT -1
I dont geddit
|
|
|
Post by Fizzy Bread on Feb 8, 2006 14:48:05 GMT -1
I dont geddit Awwww you cannot be serious!! If I put it like this you might... What's the difference between Roast beef and *Pee* soup? Most people can roast beef.
|
|
|
Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 8, 2006 15:11:14 GMT -1
You cant pee in soup? OHHHH! I GEDDIT You cant pee out soup! That poor lmao
|
|
|
Post by Fizzy Bread on Feb 8, 2006 15:17:01 GMT -1
Jeeeeeeeeeeez...finally!
|
|
|
Post by Golden_Boy™ on Feb 8, 2006 17:56:53 GMT -1
Nurse, nurse!
A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, are my t%sticles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet".
He struggles again to ask, nurse, "are my t&sticles black?"
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his member in one hand and his t&sticles in her other hand and takes a close look then say's, "there's nothing wrong with them!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies," That was very nice, but are-my-test-results-back?"
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 8, 2006 18:07:11 GMT -1
Nurse, nurse! A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, are my t%sticles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet". He struggles again to ask, nurse, "are my t&sticles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his member in one hand and his t&sticles in her other hand and takes a close look then say's, "there's nothing wrong with them!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies," That was very nice, but are-my-test-results-back?" ;D
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 8, 2006 18:11:25 GMT -1
First of the Night - you've been warned
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mum, I have something to tell you
......... I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?"
The bloke said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mum, that's right."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said,
"Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!"
|
|
|
Post by Golden_Boy™ on Feb 8, 2006 18:22:40 GMT -1
(spits his mash potato out)
Cheers for that Roaster!!
And here's another...
A blind man
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that you should know five things: 1- The bartender is a blonde girl. 2- The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3- I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter. 5- The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares. “Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
|
|
|
Post by saintrich on Feb 8, 2006 18:34:56 GMT -1
(spits his mash potato out) Cheers for that Roaster!! And here's another... A blind man A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that you should know five things: 1- The bartender is a blonde girl. 2- The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3- I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter. 5- The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares. “Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times. hahahahahahahahahahahaha ;D thats a great joke
|
|
|
Post by Golden_Boy™ on Feb 8, 2006 18:41:18 GMT -1
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 8, 2006 18:41:26 GMT -1
(spits his mash potato out) Cheers for that Roaster!! And here's another... A blind man A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that you should know five things: 1- The bartender is a blonde girl. 2- The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3- I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter. 5- The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares. “Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times. ;D Good 'un! Though I've seen it on the defunct 606 Boards where blonde was replaced with Leicester fan!
|
|
|
Post by Golden_Boy™ on Feb 8, 2006 18:44:42 GMT -1
lol! Your favourite set of fans ey Roaster!
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 8, 2006 18:45:38 GMT -1
A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong,the ship sinks,and there were only 3 survivors: Lloyd, Mr Mustard and Mary Ann. They manage to swim to a tiny desert island.
They live there for a couple of years doing what’s natural for men and women to do…..After several years of casual sex, Mary Ann felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both Lloyd and Mr Mustard was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but both Lloyd and Mr Mustard managed to get through it, and, after awhile nature once more took it’s inevitable course……….
Well,a couple more years went by and Lloyd and Mr Mustard began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So they buried her..................
|
|
|
Post by saintrich on Feb 8, 2006 18:51:16 GMT -1
hahahahaha
|
|
|
Post by Golden_Boy™ on Feb 8, 2006 18:52:45 GMT -1
Poor lass!
|
|