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Post by Fizzy Bread on Feb 7, 2006 21:07:10 GMT -1
A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?"
She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."
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Post by Fizzy Bread on Feb 7, 2006 21:08:21 GMT -1
Oooooh sexist jokes *delete* lmao Its too add to my thread about men
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Post by Hazza on Feb 7, 2006 21:10:19 GMT -1
If men truly ran the world . . . Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it. Birth control would come in ale or lager. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month. Garbage would take itself out. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle". Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps". Tanks would be far easier to rent. Two words..."Ally McNaked". When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off". People would never talk about how fresh they felt. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!". When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you". The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. Fizz, u american? or did you copy and paste that? im guessing the Old Ctrl+C Ctrl+V
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 7, 2006 21:10:22 GMT -1
These might be deemed racist - but not in a nasty way. You have to read them out loud though! This list we've building for a couple of weeks at work. See what you think:
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
1) That's not right………………………….Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harbouring a fugitive…………..Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP…………………………Kum Hia
4) Stupid Man……………………………….Dum Gai
5) Small Horse………………………………Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach…………………Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped the coffee table……………….Ai Bang Mai Ni
8) I think you need a face lift………………..Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here……………………Wai So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet…………….Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone………………….No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week………WaiYu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight……………………..Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile……………Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive…………….Yu Stin Ki Pu
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Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 7, 2006 21:10:52 GMT -1
A man and two women are in a hot air balloon. They need to lose weight to go over some oncoming mountains.
The first women, a "pretty girl", says "i'll throw out my make up sets, i have plenty more back at home"
The second, an ugly mong, says, "ill throw out all my underwear, i have plenty more back home"
The bloke launches the women over the side "plenty more back home!"
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 7, 2006 21:11:28 GMT -1
A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?" She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar." Like that one - though for my routine I'll reverse it!
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Post by Fizzy Bread on Feb 7, 2006 21:11:46 GMT -1
If men truly ran the world . . . Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it. Birth control would come in ale or lager. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month. Garbage would take itself out. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle". Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps". Tanks would be far easier to rent. Two words..."Ally McNaked". When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off". People would never talk about how fresh they felt. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!". When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you". The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. Fizz, u american? or did you copy and paste that? im guessing the Old Ctrl+C Ctrl+V Definately not American! Got it off a mate from America though.
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Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 7, 2006 21:13:29 GMT -1
These might be deemed racist - but not in a nasty way. You have to read them out loud though! This list we've building for a couple of weeks at work. See what you think: Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes 1) That's not right………………………….Sum Ting Wong 2) Are you harbouring a fugitive…………..Hu Yu Hai Ding 3) See me ASAP…………………………Kum Hia 4) Stupid Man……………………………….Dum Gai 5) Small Horse………………………………Tai Ni Po Ni 6) Did you go to the beach…………………Wai Yu So Tan 7) I bumped the coffee table……………….Ai Bang Mai Ni 8) I think you need a face lift………………..Chin Tu Fat 9) It's very dark in here……………………Wai So Dim 10) I thought you were on a diet…………….Wai Yu Mun Ching 11) This is a tow away zone………………….No Pah King 12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week………WaiYu Kum Nao 13) Staying out of sight……………………..Lei Ying Lo 14) He's cleaning his automobile……………Wa Shing Ka 15) Your body odor is offensive…………….Yu Stin Ki Pu haha nah mate i dont team it racist in my books, thats hilarious, seen it before though
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Post by Fizzy Bread on Feb 7, 2006 21:15:21 GMT -1
A guy is out golfing with his buddy when the two of them see a funeral procession go by the outer perimeter of the course. The guy takes his hat off and waits for the procession to pass by before putting. His friend notices the gesture and responds favorably and then asks him why he did it. "It was the least I could do after we'd been married 40 years," the man replied.
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Post by Hazza on Feb 7, 2006 21:15:46 GMT -1
thought so
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Post by Fizzy Bread on Feb 7, 2006 21:17:06 GMT -1
These might be deemed racist - but not in a nasty way. You have to read them out loud though! This list we've building for a couple of weeks at work. See what you think: Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes 1) That's not right………………………….Sum Ting Wong 2) Are you harbouring a fugitive…………..Hu Yu Hai Ding 3) See me ASAP…………………………Kum Hia 4) Stupid Man……………………………….Dum Gai 5) Small Horse………………………………Tai Ni Po Ni 6) Did you go to the beach…………………Wai Yu So Tan 7) I bumped the coffee table……………….Ai Bang Mai Ni 8) I think you need a face lift………………..Chin Tu Fat 9) It's very dark in here……………………Wai So Dim 10) I thought you were on a diet…………….Wai Yu Mun Ching 11) This is a tow away zone………………….No Pah King 12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week………WaiYu Kum Nao 13) Staying out of sight……………………..Lei Ying Lo 14) He's cleaning his automobile……………Wa Shing Ka 15) Your body odor is offensive…………….Yu Stin Ki Pu haha nah mate i dont team it racist in my books, thats hilarious, seen it before though Being half chinese I find that very offencive!! Just kiddin, it's not bad
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 7, 2006 21:17:43 GMT -1
Getting a bit dirtier now!
Debs, posing thoughtfully in the mirror, says to Shaz, "I think I'm going to see a dietician." "Why?" replied a puzzled Shaz "'Cause I need to know once and for all, how many calories there are in sperm." Shaz replied, "I ain't got a clue, but if you’re swallowing that much of it, no bloke's going to care if you’re a little chubby are they?"
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Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 7, 2006 21:18:11 GMT -1
A guy is out golfing with his buddy when the two of them see a funeral procession go by the outer perimeter of the course. The guy takes his hat off and waits for the procession to pass by before putting. His friend notices the gesture and responds favorably and then asks him why he did it. "It was the least I could do after we'd been married 40 years," the man replied. hahahahaha! Oooo spozzer, half chinese
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 7, 2006 21:19:14 GMT -1
A guy is out golfing with his buddy when the two of them see a funeral procession go by the outer perimeter of the course. The guy takes his hat off and waits for the procession to pass by before putting. His friend notices the gesture and responds favorably and then asks him why he did it. "It was the least I could do after we'd been married 40 years," the man replied. Were you drinking in The Greyhound on Sunday night? Cos I heard that at the bar there about 11.30. Choked on me bloody beer!
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Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 7, 2006 21:19:27 GMT -1
Getting a bit dirtier now! Debs, posing thoughtfully in the mirror, says to Shaz, "I think I'm going to see a dietician." "Why?" replied a puzzled Shaz "'Cause I need to know once and for all, how many calories there are in sperm." Shaz replied, "I ain't got a clue, but if you’re swallowing that much of it, no bloke's going to care if you’re a little chubby are they?" lol that was on a site i was on the other day...
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Post by Fizzy Bread on Feb 7, 2006 21:20:50 GMT -1
A guy is out golfing with his buddy when the two of them see a funeral procession go by the outer perimeter of the course. The guy takes his hat off and waits for the procession to pass by before putting. His friend notices the gesture and responds favorably and then asks him why he did it. "It was the least I could do after we'd been married 40 years," the man replied. Were you drinking in The Greyhound on Sunday night? Cos I heard that at the bar there about 11.30. Choked on me bloody beer! LOL! No..heard it ages ago.
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Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 7, 2006 21:23:16 GMT -1
Were you drinking in The Greyhound on Sunday night? Cos I heard that at the bar there about 11.30. Choked on me bloody beer! LOL! No..heard it ages ago. I was at the greyhound the other night at 11.30... Black shoulder length hair, half chinese, female... Available in thai brides 2006 magazine...!
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 7, 2006 21:23:33 GMT -1
Not one of mine - this is a cut and paste jobby! Funny as fook though!
Dictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads:
40-ish ........................49. Adventurous ..............Slept with everyone. Athletic ......................No breasts Average looking .........Moooo. Beautiful ....................Pathological liar. Emotionally Secure ... On medication. Feminist .................... Fat Free spirit .................. Junkie Friendship first .......... Former slut. New-Age ................... Body hair in the wrong places. Old-Fashioned ........... No BJs. Open-minded ............. Desperate Outgoing ................... Loud and Embarrassing. Professional .............. Bitch Voluptuous ................ Very Fat Big frame .................. Hugely Fat Wants soul mate ....... Stalker
WOMEN'S ENGLISH: 1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need = I want 5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry 6. We need to talk = you're in trouble 7. Sure, go ahead = you better not 8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later 9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron! 10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 3. I am tired = I am tired 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 5. I love you = Let's have sex now 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you. 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you. 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you. 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you. 11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit - I'm gay
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Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 7, 2006 21:24:56 GMT -1
Hahahaha its so true!
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 7, 2006 21:25:22 GMT -1
LOL! No..heard it ages ago. I was at the greyhound the other night at 11.30... Black shoulder length hair, half chinese, female... Available in thai brides 2006 magazine...! You've met me missus then - No Suk Cock
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