|
Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 7, 2006 20:28:53 GMT -1
Got any? Post them here
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 7, 2006 20:31:48 GMT -1
Got any? Post them here An restrictions on content MNBA? or is it a totally open forum for comedy! I've some classics about Muhammed!
|
|
|
Post by Hazza on Feb 7, 2006 20:40:14 GMT -1
post away!
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 7, 2006 20:44:02 GMT -1
This is clean and wont offend anyone.
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could."
|
|
|
Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 7, 2006 20:44:14 GMT -1
Post away unless they are completely racist, then ill delete them. Hate racism Blonde jokes always give me a chuckle... One for the books - Blonde walks into an electrical store and says "hey you, i want that TV" the technician says "sorry darlin' we dont sell ta blondes!" she walks out in a huff, the next day she returns but with her hair died black "'scuse me kind sir, can onee purchase that telly?" "sorry babe, dont sell to blondes!" she walks out confused... how did they know?! next day she walks in with her hair died ginger and shes angry now "YOU... I WANT THAT &^%!ING TV RIGHT NOW" "look love im sorry, we dont sell to blondes" "How do you know im a blonde!?" "THATS A BLOODY MICROWAVE!"
|
|
|
Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 7, 2006 20:46:32 GMT -1
This is clean and wont offend anyone. Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother." "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!" "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could." Hahahahaha OMG ouchie but hahahahahaha! you legend!
|
|
|
Post by Hazza on Feb 7, 2006 20:47:36 GMT -1
This is clean and wont offend anyone. Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother." "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!" "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could." lol good one!! ;D
|
|
|
Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 7, 2006 20:48:23 GMT -1
Haha thats in my head now so i'll be tellign that to everyone!
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 7, 2006 20:49:58 GMT -1
A guy out on the golf course gets hit in the bollocks and writhing in agony falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
"How bad is it doc?...I'm going on my honeymoon next week." The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your dick in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
He took four lolly sticks and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all up; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these." He whips off his kecks and pointing proudly at his cock replies,.......................
"Look at this,....still in the fucking box!"
|
|
|
Post by Fizzy Bread on Feb 7, 2006 20:53:30 GMT -1
A blind man walks into a pub.
Suddenly he starts swinging his guide dog above his head, round and round.
The confussed bar man asks him, "Er, what on earth and you doing?!"
The blind man replies, " Just taking a look around"
|
|
|
Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 7, 2006 20:55:23 GMT -1
EVIL SPOZZER! lol!
OMG ROASTER YOU HAVE SOME QUALITY JOKES MATE HAHAHA
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 7, 2006 20:57:04 GMT -1
nd last one for tonight! Never typed so much in me life!!
A couple were dressed and ready to go out for the evening. Security concious they turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the garden. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi (10 min jobby but always 'top of the street 30 minutes later).
The taxi duly arrived, late! and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. Their cat shot back into the house like a bleeding bullet (it's hammering down with rain!).
They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife jogs to the taxi while the husband goes inside to retrieve the cat. The cat runs upstairs with the man in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty so she explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.
"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my Mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away.
"Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me but it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her back out into the fucking garden!"
The cab driver drove straight into a parked car......
|
|
|
Post by Fizzy Bread on Feb 7, 2006 21:00:18 GMT -1
EVIL SPOZZER! lol! OMG ROASTER YOU HAVE SOME QUALITY JOKES MATE HAHAHA Me?! Never!
|
|
|
Post by Hazza on Feb 7, 2006 21:00:24 GMT -1
A guy out on the golf course gets hit in the bollocks and writhing in agony falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. "How bad is it doc?...I'm going on my honeymoon next week." The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your dick in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four lolly sticks and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all up; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these." He whips off his kecks and pointing proudly at his cock replies,....................... "Look at this,....still in the fucking box!" lol loving it!!! ;D ;D
|
|
|
Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 7, 2006 21:00:58 GMT -1
AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! OUCH OUCH OUCH... TEARS DOWN FACE... OUCH!
|
|
|
Post by Hazza on Feb 7, 2006 21:01:11 GMT -1
nd last one for tonight! Never typed so much in me life!! A couple were dressed and ready to go out for the evening. Security concious they turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the garden. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi (10 min jobby but always 'top of the street 30 minutes later). The taxi duly arrived, late! and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. Their cat shot back into the house like a bleeding bullet (it's hammering down with rain!). They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife jogs to the taxi while the husband goes inside to retrieve the cat. The cat runs upstairs with the man in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty so she explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my Mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me but it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her back out into the fucking garden!" The cab driver drove straight into a parked car...... and again freakin sweet!! ;D ;D
|
|
|
Post by Hazza on Feb 7, 2006 21:02:30 GMT -1
Three Blondes walk into a building.
You would have thought one of them would have seen it!
|
|
|
Post by Fizzy Bread on Feb 7, 2006 21:03:05 GMT -1
If men truly ran the world . . .
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it. Birth control would come in ale or lager. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month. Garbage would take itself out. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle". Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps". Tanks would be far easier to rent. Two words..."Ally McNaked". When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off". People would never talk about how fresh they felt. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!". When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you". The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
|
|
|
Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 7, 2006 21:05:18 GMT -1
Oooooh sexist jokes *delete* lmao
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 7, 2006 21:06:24 GMT -1
Classic I heard last night that I've just added to my repatoir ;D
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting and when she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
"A can of peaches your honour".
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. "6 m'lud".
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail." (before ASBOs)
But before the judge could actually pronounce the sentence the woman's husband interrupted and requested permission to speak. The judge seeing an equally elderly gent replied "Of course - what is it? "
"She also lifted a can of baked beans."
|
|