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Post by NoCanariesAllowed (Ipswich'02) on May 20, 2007 18:25:44 GMT -1
A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor. The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them." The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck." Fucking hell, that one's hurrendous!!!! LOL! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by BW on May 20, 2007 18:26:30 GMT -1
There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him. First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw. Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off. The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw." The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."
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Post by BW on May 20, 2007 18:28:43 GMT -1
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"
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Post by BW on May 20, 2007 18:30:48 GMT -1
There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again. Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want." The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished the three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr." After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"
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Post by BW on May 20, 2007 18:34:43 GMT -1
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?" He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."
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Post by Beerwulf on May 24, 2007 11:58:59 GMT -1
Have I done this one?
Man goes into a pet shop and asks 'I'd like to buy a wasp'.
'We don't sell wasps sir'
'Well, you've got one in the window'
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Post by BW on May 24, 2007 13:55:41 GMT -1
CHINESE PROVERBS
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
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Post by Pete the Wolf on May 24, 2007 21:53:00 GMT -1
HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a master 7. a chef 8. an electrician 9. a carpenter 10. a plumber 11. a mechanic 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a sexologist 15. a gynecologist 16. a psychologist 17. a pest exterminator 18. a psychiatrist 19. a healer 20. a good listener 21. an organizer 22. a good father 23. very clean 24. sympathetic 25. athletic 26. warm 27. attentive 28. gallant 29. intelligent 30. funny 31. creative 32. tender 33. strong 34. understanding 35. tolerant 36. prudent 37. ambitious 38. capable 39. courageous 40. determined 41. true 42. dependable 43. passionate 44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 45. give her compliments regularly 46. love shopping 47. be honest 48. be very rich 49. not stress her out 50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO: 51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself 52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself 53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT: 54. Never to forget: * birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked 2. Bring food
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Post by Pete the Wolf on May 24, 2007 21:58:30 GMT -1
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated that hurricanes at one time were all given feminine names and that ships and planes are usually referred to as "she."
One of the students raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" Not having a ready answer, the teacher divided the class into two groups, males in one and females in the other, and asked each group to decide whether a computer should be considered masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be considered masculine because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
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The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should be considered feminine because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
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Post by Pete the Wolf on May 24, 2007 22:08:44 GMT -1
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten" As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back, so lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain the torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked." Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed. I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian." ![:-[](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/embarrassed.png) *Grabs coat and sprints to avoid hail of tomatoes*
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Post by Womble 50 on May 25, 2007 10:58:35 GMT -1
The big bad wolf said to red riding hood "Take your top off & let me suck your tits"
"Fuck off" she replied taking off her panties, "Eat me like it says in the story"
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Post by That Bloke on May 26, 2007 18:24:21 GMT -1
I got a job working for the samaritans, i phoned in sick the other day and the bastards talked me out of it.....
TAXI!!!!
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Post by BW on May 28, 2007 18:12:03 GMT -1
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Post by Jodie. on May 29, 2007 0:11:37 GMT -1
Drinks are free in west brom tonight .. Phillips put 60mil over the bar ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/smiley.png)
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Post by Jodie. on May 29, 2007 0:12:03 GMT -1
New Job - Welding the roof back on West Broms bus .. Not so much a joke but yer ![8-)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/cool.png)
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Post by BW on May 29, 2007 19:22:39 GMT -1
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Post by BW on May 30, 2007 6:31:56 GMT -1
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on May 30, 2007 6:37:25 GMT -1
Drinks are free in west brom tonight .. Phillips put 60mil over the bar ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/smiley.png) lmao ;D
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Post by GresleyRam©®™ on May 30, 2007 20:53:46 GMT -1
Apparently there were warnings of 'Flash Floods' in the west Midlands on Monday night.....40,000 Wolves fans were pissing themselves! ![:D](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/grin.png)
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Post by GresleyRam©®™ on May 30, 2007 20:57:17 GMT -1
after mondays game at wembley the defeat was all too much for one Baggies fan who decided to end it all by throwing himself off Tower Bridge to his death. The police recovered his body several hours later, and he was in full bondage gear, gimp mask, nipple rings with a 12" dildo shoved up his arse and a west brom away kit on. the police removed the football shirt so to avoid any embarassment for the victims family! ![:D](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/grin.png)
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