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Post by Pete the Wolf on May 30, 2007 21:04:43 GMT -1
A bloke on his way home from work comes to a dead halt in traffic and thinks to himself, wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's moving."
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks: "Officer what's the hold up?"
The officer replies: "It's a West Brom fan, he's just so depressed about losing the playoffs to Derby, never recovered from that defeat at Molineux and the prospect of going nowhere after gobbing off all season, he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him, his mates are all laughing at him and he has never had a job. I'm walking around taking a collection for him."
"Oh really?" says the bloke "How much have you collected so far?".
"Only about 1/2 a litre, but a lot of people are still siphoning."
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Post by Jay on May 31, 2007 15:39:23 GMT -1
Oldham FC have tols Lee Hughes he must have a trial to prove his fitness before he is signed by the club. Hughes replied "Fuck that, the last trial I had got me 6 years!" ![;)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/wink.png)
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Post by PureOldGold on May 31, 2007 15:41:24 GMT -1
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Post by That Bloke on Jun 1, 2007 11:36:07 GMT -1
A bloke I know works for the brittle bone society, he offered me a job said i could make £800 a week, so of course I snapped his hand off!!!
I'll get me coat
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Post by Stan on Jun 1, 2007 11:43:34 GMT -1
Right - gotta do some work... then early finish, but I'll leave you with this:
Horse walks into a bar and orders a pint of mild... the barman says "why the long face?"
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Post by Peschi on Jun 1, 2007 11:49:39 GMT -1
BOOM BOOM
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Post by Peschi on Jun 1, 2007 11:51:54 GMT -1
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
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Post by Peschi on Jun 1, 2007 11:57:28 GMT -1
*grabs coat* ![;)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/wink.png)
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Post by RMBB on Jun 3, 2007 12:47:02 GMT -1
The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town. One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman..
"Mrs Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar,she began to weave back and forth.
The reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the reverend wound up on top Of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."
The reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't Understand,I'm Pastor Flapps."
The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish".
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craigenffc5
League 2 Player
![*](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/stars/star.png) ![*](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/stars/star.png)
[M0:30]What Goes Around Cums Around Dose That Mean We Will Rule The Prem Agen LOL??
Posts: 171
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Post by craigenffc5 on Jun 3, 2007 12:58:15 GMT -1
that Lee Hughes is gona get sum no1 will like him he will be the bad boy of the season fans booo boy
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Post by Womble 50 on Jun 5, 2007 15:19:09 GMT -1
Special message for that albion4life geezer
The 10th annual cock sucking championships are being held in sandwell next weekend, no need to come this year they've arranged for some women to turn up but the organisers wish to send their thanks for the last 9 years & would like to say "Cheers Champ, your hard work was appreciated"
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Post by BW on Jun 5, 2007 18:17:08 GMT -1
Special message for that albion4life geezer The 10th annual cock sucking championships are being held in sandwell next weekend, no need to come this year they've arranged for some women to turn up but the organisers wish to send their thanks for the last 9 years & would like to say "Cheers Champ, your hard work was appreciated" I doubt that he'll read this, surely he doesn't do jokes ![;)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/wink.png)
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Post by BW on Jun 11, 2007 12:17:19 GMT -1
Have you heard about the dyslexic alcoholic?? He choked on his own vimto. ![:D](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/grin.png)
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Post by Beerwulf on Jun 12, 2007 8:07:32 GMT -1
The definition of 'countryside'? The unlawful killing of Tony Mowbray. ![:D](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/grin.png)
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Post by Womble 50 on Jun 12, 2007 11:33:57 GMT -1
Have you heard about the dyslexic alcoholic?? He choked on his own vimto. ![:D](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/grin.png) No !!! but I heard about the dyslexic pimp He brought a warehouse
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Post by Womble 50 on Jun 12, 2007 11:38:46 GMT -1
A Gypsy wedding in County Kerry ended in a riot & the garda arrested 20 guests who go straight to court
The best man asked the judge if he could explain what had happened & it was agreed that he could
"Well" he said "It's traveller tradition for the best man to have first dance with the bride, which I did, I was dancing very close then the groom rushed up & kicked the bride in the fanny"
"Gosh" said the Judge, "That must have been sore"
"Fuckin sore - he broke 3 of my fingers"
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Post by addicted2venos on Jun 12, 2007 11:42:53 GMT -1
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says
....
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....
....
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"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"
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Post by BW on Jun 13, 2007 5:29:00 GMT -1
A bloke from Dudley guz into the jewellers, he says " Mate. Con yo do me a gold statue of ar dog."
Jeweller says, " 18 carrot"
Bloke says, " Nah, chewin a bone"
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Post by Womble 50 on Jun 15, 2007 15:42:29 GMT -1
Michael Barrymore has been asked if he's doing panto this year
He said no cos he did Aladdin 6 years ago & no-ones forgotten about it
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Post by Womble 50 on Jun 19, 2007 13:56:31 GMT -1
Little Johnny's neigbour had a baby & unfortunately it was born with no ears. Johnny & his mum went to visit the baby & johnny was told to be on his best behaviour & not mention the ears or he'd be spanked. When they arrived Johnny looked into the cot & said "What a lovely baby, Lovely feet, hands & skin ! Hows his eyesight ?" "perfect" said the baby's mother
"Thank goodness" said Johnny "He'd be fucked if he needed glasses"
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