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Post by Pete the Wolf on May 6, 2007 10:28:03 GMT -1
A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following items:
1 Bar of Soap 1 Toothbrush 1 Tube of toothpaste 1 loaf of bread 1 pint of milk 1 apple 1 banana 1 orange 1 plum 1 grapefruit 1 tomato 1 lettuce 1 cabbage 1 baking potato 1 Kraft single 1 samosa 1 vegetable pakora 1 muesli bar 1 pie 1 frozen pizza 1 single frozen dinner The bloke behind her in the queue taps her on the shoulder. He is carrying a basket with a six pack of Stella, a pizza and some Wagon Wheels.
As she turns he smiles at her and says, "Single, eh?"
The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, "How did you guess?"
He looks at her - straight in the eyes and gently says, "Because you're minging."
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Post by BW on May 11, 2007 8:29:22 GMT -1
95 year old man is given a jar for a sperm sample at hospital. He turns up back at the hospital 2 days later with an empty jar. Nurse asks, 'Why no sample' He says, 'I tried with my left hand, then with my right hand, then my wife tried with both hands, then with her mouth, first with her teeth in and then with her teeth out!! Then we got Ethel from next door to try but it was just no good.. we just couldn't get the lid off the jar'!! ![:D](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/grin.png)
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Post by Pete the Wolf on May 11, 2007 17:08:42 GMT -1
![](http://img45.imageshack.us/img45/4619/n5073305414092508252wo5.jpg) Hang on, that's not a joke. It's true! ;D
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Post by BW on May 11, 2007 17:17:35 GMT -1
![](http://img45.imageshack.us/img45/4619/n5073305414092508252wo5.jpg) Hang on, that's not a joke. It's true! ;D You should be locked up for the minger joke ![:D](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/grin.png)
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Post by Womble 50 on May 12, 2007 8:43:27 GMT -1
Linford Christie walks into a golf club & asks if he can play a round of golf despite being a member.
"I'm sorry sir" said the receptionist "It's a little embarrasing for me to say this but we don't allow Black men to play on this course" "You're joking" said Linford "No Sir it's true" she replied "There is however a course 10 mins down the road that will let you play there"
"Don't you know who I am" said Linford "I'm the world famous Linford Christie"
"In that case" she said "It's only 3 minutes down the road, now Fuck Off"
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Post by BW on May 15, 2007 8:35:54 GMT -1
Teacher says to the class ' What does your dad do at weekends' Little Jack replies, 'he's a dancer in a gay bar and sometimes if the money's right he lets punters bang his arse and cum in his mouth'. The teacher pulls little Jack to one side and asks him, 'is that true' Little Jack replies, 'No miss, he watches West Brom but I'm to embarrassed to say'. ![:-X](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/lipssealed.png)
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Post by BW on May 17, 2007 19:06:08 GMT -1
Guys it's time for more jokes please!!
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Post by BW on May 18, 2007 11:43:38 GMT -1
A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches,with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.
Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. 'It's very brave of you to come out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what happened?'
'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident.
Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free.'
'The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs.'
'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?' asks Matthew.
'No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine.
As you can see the operation was successful. I have been havingphysiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end
of the year.
A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.
Kelly responds with: 'That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?'
'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle'
Courtesy of Ramboy
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Post by BW on May 20, 2007 17:59:20 GMT -1
A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.
His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"
"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."
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Post by BW on May 20, 2007 18:00:10 GMT -1
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
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Post by BW on May 20, 2007 18:00:38 GMT -1
Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
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Post by BW on May 20, 2007 18:01:58 GMT -1
What's the difference between a pizza and a jew?
A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
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Post by BW on May 20, 2007 18:02:44 GMT -1
British serial killers are offered a last drink before jail.
Guard: "What would you like?" Harold Shipman: "A nice whiskey would be great"
Guard: "What would you like?" Myra Hindley: "I'd love some red wine"
Guard: "What would you like?" Fred West: "I could murder some Tennants"
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Post by BW on May 20, 2007 18:03:13 GMT -1
How many Jews can you fit in a mini?
two in the front, two in the back, millions of the fuckers in the ash-tray!
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Post by BW on May 20, 2007 18:08:58 GMT -1
Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A. They can't stand to see a man have a good time.
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Post by BW on May 20, 2007 18:11:12 GMT -1
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
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Post by BW on May 20, 2007 18:12:28 GMT -1
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
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Post by BW on May 20, 2007 18:14:20 GMT -1
A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor. The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them." The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck."
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Post by BW on May 20, 2007 18:23:02 GMT -1
One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice. Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?" "Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."
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Post by BW on May 20, 2007 18:24:16 GMT -1
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die." As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic. "Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
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