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Post by Roaster©®™ on Nov 3, 2006 22:48:33 GMT -1
Adult Quiz[/u]
Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob? A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife (well not for real of course), but you can't beat a blowjob.
Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end? A.) So men can be open minded.
Q.) What's the speed limit of sex? A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around
Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick? A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego... A.) "Is it in?"
Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy? A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? A.) One of his fingers is clean.
Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers? A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common? A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Nov 20, 2006 15:37:44 GMT -1
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"
And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
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Post by Roaster©®™ on May 25, 2007 23:11:05 GMT -1
Wisdom of Larry, the Cable Guy
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark? ( ;D brilliant)
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines (my favourite ;D)
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on May 26, 2007 20:19:11 GMT -1
When we drink, we get buzzed. When we get buzzed, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on May 26, 2007 20:24:54 GMT -1
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on Earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter
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Post by mortontheblade on May 27, 2007 7:40:40 GMT -1
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. i've a terrible, ermm..... ....errmmmm.... ....what were we talking about again? ;D
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on May 27, 2007 8:06:28 GMT -1
It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on May 27, 2007 9:37:40 GMT -1
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
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Post by mortontheblade on May 27, 2007 9:39:39 GMT -1
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation. ;D *exalt* ;D
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on May 28, 2007 20:28:38 GMT -1
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Jan 18, 2008 21:21:28 GMT -1
I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....
Scared the living shit out of me.
So that's it!
I just quit reading.
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Post by CHOPPER READ on Jan 18, 2008 21:25:13 GMT -1
The world ends when you're dead,until then there's more punishment in store. Stand it like a man,and give some back.
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Jul 11, 2008 22:33:31 GMT -1
Confucious say:
"Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok."
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Post by Pete the Wolf on Jul 11, 2008 22:47:26 GMT -1
The greatest hazards on today's roads are those under 21 driving over 65 and those over 65 driving under 21
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Nov 21, 2008 22:28:37 GMT -1
Things to Know:
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour (Don't try this at home,maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.. (I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.
In other words, send it to everyone! (And God love that pig!)
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 6, 2009 23:48:32 GMT -1
A nice old story with a different twist - will make you appreciate family.
My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk.
Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. 'And always remember this thing,' she said. 'Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.'
'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.
She answered in her soft voice. 'Makes your dick look bigger.'
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