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Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 24, 2006 9:09:46 GMT -1
Didn't know you were into poetry GB. That's the second post of verse you've posted on this thread. I'm impressed
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Post by MRMILLWALL on Mar 25, 2006 16:06:14 GMT -1
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN: Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered,half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and alll conquering past but alas, no future.
After 70, they become Afghanistan. Almost everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 25, 2006 16:14:21 GMT -1
;D
Good win for the Lions mate!
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Post by MRMILLWALL on Mar 25, 2006 16:30:00 GMT -1
;D Good win for the Lions mate! Thought you might like that Roaster. Great win at high flying Watford.
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 25, 2006 18:00:48 GMT -1
Top 20 ways to tell someone their fly is down
20) The cucumber has left the salad
19) I can see the gun of Navarone
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out
17) You've got Windows in your laptop
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell
13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED...1)
I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.
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Post by MRMILLWALL on Mar 25, 2006 18:25:53 GMT -1
You know when your hard.
1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.
2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.
5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as u thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.
6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.
7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.
10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".
11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are ****ed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."
20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.
21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"
24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh*t.
25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in hospital".
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 25, 2006 19:03:13 GMT -1
Fuck me - I'm hard as as nails when I'm pissed then ;D
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Post by GresleyRam©®™ on Mar 25, 2006 22:37:16 GMT -1
Roaster, i just laughed so hard - a little bit if wee came out! I just read the divorce letter, and also the Getting old threads - FUCKIN BRILLIANT MATE!!
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 27, 2006 10:50:29 GMT -1
Pissed yourself laughing then!
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 27, 2006 17:53:50 GMT -1
What makes 100%?
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:-
What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about these people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to these meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%
How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these question.
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H A R D W O R K
8+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But:
A T T I T U D E
1+20+20++9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And:
B U L L S H I T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103%
AND, Look how far ass kissing will take you.
A S S K I S S I N G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 =118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that whilst hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and ass kissing that will put you over the top. Try it at work tomorrow ;D
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 29, 2006 20:45:56 GMT -1
I'm gonna use these - read them out from a clip board! probably use the Septic references though - got to be funnier than trying to convert into British. Remember these are true! And funny as Fook!
Things you learn from Children
For those with No children---this is totally hysterical!
For those who already have children past this age---this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age---this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age---this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children---this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas. Things I've learned from my children (honest and no kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000-sq. ft. house four inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late. (No matter how old the child!)
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jelly you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jelly.
15. VCRs do not eject Peanut Butter & Jelly (jam) sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX, has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful.First grade... true story:
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "..And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy crap! A talking pig!' The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid .
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Post by MRMILLWALL on Apr 1, 2006 1:37:45 GMT -1
DATING RITUALS
WHITE WOMEN
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight. Second date: You get to grope all over and make out. Third date : You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position.
IRISH WOMEN
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
ITALIAN WOMEN
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant. Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs. Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3-carat ring. 5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex. 6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
JEWISH WOMEN
First Date: You get dynamite head. Second Date: You get more great head. Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
CHINESE WOMEN
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens. Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again. Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.
INDIAN WOMEN
First date: Meet her parents. Second date: Set the date of the wedding. Third date: Wedding night.
BLACK WOMEN
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner. Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner. Third Date: You get to pay her rent. Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
MEXICAN WOMEN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car. Second Date: She's pregnant. Third Date: She moves in. One week later ~ her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Apr 4, 2006 7:13:53 GMT -1
;D
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Post by MRMILLWALL on Apr 14, 2006 23:20:13 GMT -1
A group of linguists from Bristol have stunned the world by producing the first new English swearword in decades. The discovery is a tremendous victory for British science, which still manages to lead the world despite massive underfunding from the government. “We started by analysing existing swearwords,” said Professor Susannah Folio from the Cartington Institute for Linguistic Novelty. “We noticed that most of the best swearwords – the classic ‘four letter words’ such as crap – had one vowel with a consonant or consonant cluster on either side. It was clear we had to follow the same pattern. But we didn’t lose sight of such classics as arse and wanker either.”
And the new word itself? Chud. You can describe someone as a chud or chudlifter, or talk about how chudding annoying something is. “We’ve still got a few issues to iron out,” said Professor Folio, “like just how bad the swearword is. Personally, I’d like to see it placed right at the top of the scale, above C*nt. We’ve seen a real deflation in swearword intensity over recent years and so we need to introduce some new taboos.
“But we’ve already decided what it refers to. A chud is any apparently useless flap of skin attached to a set of genitals. It’s the first gender-neutral swearword,” she added proudly. “That was a big part of our remit.”
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Post by MRMILLWALL on Apr 14, 2006 23:29:21 GMT -1
How To Shower Like a Woman Take off cloths and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. Admire willy size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy it her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Apr 14, 2006 23:29:57 GMT -1
And with that I bid you good night. Off to give the wife's chud a damned goood chudding ;D
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Post by MRMILLWALL on Apr 14, 2006 23:41:49 GMT -1
And with that I bid you good night. Off to give the wife's chud a damned goood chudding ;D For chuds sake, night Ro. ;D
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Apr 15, 2006 12:15:22 GMT -1
In fact I shall make chud my word of the week - and when i return to the office on Tuesday I shall endeavour to use it as often as possible in both oral and written communication!
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Post by Roaster©®™ on May 16, 2006 16:24:14 GMT -1
WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter (about a quart) of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 2.2 pounds of E. coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 2 pounds of Shit every year from drinking water.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting. And alcohol itself is used to kill bacteria.
WATER = Shit
RUM,WHISKEY, GIN & WINE = HEALTH
Free yourself from Shit, drink BEER!!! It is better to drink wine and talk Shit than to drink water and be full of Shit.
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Post by Ninja Squirrel on May 16, 2006 16:28:24 GMT -1
Going to war with France is like going hunting with an accordian.
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