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Post by duckfish007 on May 16, 2006 16:33:15 GMT -1
Going to war with France is like going hunting with an accordian. ;D ;D
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Post by Roaster©®™ on May 23, 2006 18:45:07 GMT -1
DEFINITIONS[/i]
THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female: Any part under a car's hood. Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger." Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female: A desire to get married and raise a family. Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female: A good movie, concert, play or book. Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 & 1/2 min.
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Jun 13, 2006 20:01:33 GMT -1
I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground. Then, twisting his thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade. In this manner, he travelled across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and delighted me.
And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an "epiphany", a moment of heightened awareness in which everything becomes clear.
Yes, hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to do...
Lay off the space cakes!
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Jun 28, 2006 12:09:12 GMT -1
They say truth is stranger than fiction...and this is stranger! ....
Butterflies taste with their feet.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs ... but not downstairs.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
A snail can sleep for three years..
No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!!
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
All polar bears are left-handed.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.
You tried to lick your elbow, didn't you? ;D
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Jul 5, 2006 12:47:25 GMT -1
think the life cycle is all backwards
You should start out dead and get it out of the way.
Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.
;D
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Post by redwhine on Jul 6, 2006 23:15:48 GMT -1
If you should happen to still believe in Darwinism in the face of the resurgence of creationist theories, and the newer theory of intelligent design, then here are a couple of examples of bad results of natural selection:
1) The race of supermice. Unintelligent mice get caught in mousetraps, whereas more intelligent mice avoid traps, going on to breed ever increasingly intelligent offspring.
2) Forgetful human beings. Women with good memories remember to take the pill, whereas those with bad memories forget, breed and pass on the forgetful gene to their children.
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Jul 12, 2006 19:46:31 GMT -1
Roaster - father of soon to be a teenage daughter was concerned with the amount of time she spent on the telephone; not so much for the time she wasted (I'd given up on that long ago), but because nobody else could use the phone. So, as a happy solution, I had a telephone installed for her with her own private number and directory listing. Two or three days after her telephone had been installed, I came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the family telephone. Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser.
"Why are you using our telephone," I yelled. "Why the FUCK aren't you talking on your own telephone?" "I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my phone."
DON'T HAVE DAUGHTERS ;D
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Post by fcredblue on Jul 12, 2006 19:58:01 GMT -1
if a alarm goes off in a house of a deaf man...does he hear it???
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Post by redwhine on Jul 14, 2006 0:35:07 GMT -1
If you're over 50, NEVER trust a fart!!!
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Aug 11, 2006 11:03:23 GMT -1
Just been tidying my various e-mail folders and found these absolute belters from Peter Kaye:-
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the f**k is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
People who are willing to get off their ar*e to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Too f**king right I do! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f**k would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No t*sser, I paid £12 to come to the cinema and stare at the f**king floor.
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"...... Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it. When people say "life is short". What the f**k?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f**king does!! What can you do that's longer?
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?".If the bus came would I be standing here, Kn*bhead? People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? Ears?, Wellington boots?
When your eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting, I always eat stuff I hate!
People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks! that's an image I really didn't need.
McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a 'Mcchicken Burger', just a 'Chicken Burger' gets a blanklook...........Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you Mcf*ckin McTos*er!
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Post by Golden_Boy™ on Aug 11, 2006 14:12:30 GMT -1
Class ;D
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Aug 11, 2006 17:04:49 GMT -1
Certainly are - trouble is I've seen so much of his material I read them with a "Bolton" accent and raise my eyebrows at the appropriate times too. Just can't help but smirk when I read them.
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Post by Teesside White on Aug 12, 2006 12:10:20 GMT -1
Just been tidying my various e-mail folders and found these absolute belters from Peter Kaye:- People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the f**k is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? People who are willing to get off their ar*e to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Too f**king right I do! What good is a cake if you can't eat it? When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f**k would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No t*sser, I paid £12 to come to the cinema and stare at the f**king floor. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"...... Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine? When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it. When people say "life is short". What the f**k?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f**king does!! What can you do that's longer? When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?".If the bus came would I be standing here, Kn*bhead? People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? Ears?, Wellington boots? When your eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting, I always eat stuff I hate! People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks! that's an image I really didn't need. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a 'Mcchicken Burger', just a 'Chicken Burger' gets a blanklook...........Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you Mcf*ckin McTos*er! absolutely funny as fuck!!! but thats not Peter Kaye its Lee Evans
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Aug 13, 2006 20:22:48 GMT -1
Well Peter Kay has used them - certainly on the DVDs I've got and on both occasions I've seen him live. Nowt like a bit of plagiarism. ;D
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Post by Teesside White on Aug 14, 2006 12:44:33 GMT -1
plagiarism ;D
i dont know if theyre all Lee Evans, but the £12 cinema 1 is, and the "Can i ask you a question" 1 deffo is
but anyway both guys fooking rule!
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Aug 17, 2006 20:26:44 GMT -1
Totally agree with in that respect
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Aug 30, 2006 19:52:22 GMT -1
Apologies to anyone who works for any of the companies mntioned below - but take heed please ;D
Dilbert Quotes
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America:
"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)
"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)
"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Sept 30, 2006 9:04:25 GMT -1
Murphy's Lesser-Known Dictums:
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Oct 16, 2006 19:33:55 GMT -1
An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the boy was riding.
The man & boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy & man said they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story ?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well...
Kiss your ass goodbye! ;D
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Oct 16, 2006 19:35:26 GMT -1
You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.
1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, yet you can see right through them.
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) A Tyre is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
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