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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 14, 2006 17:31:20 GMT -1
Not from Confucious though! Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone Man who run in front of car get tired Man who run behind car get exhausted Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok Man with one chopstick go hungry Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails Man who eat many prunes get good run for money Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it Man who drive like hell, bound to get there Man who stand on toilet is high on pot Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs Man who fart in church sit in own pew Crowded elevator smell different to midget. He who runs faster than jaguar - fucking fast on his feet
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 14, 2006 17:34:22 GMT -1
Take Heed gentlemen!
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DICUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 20, 2006 21:03:32 GMT -1
Divorce letter
Dear Angie,
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Ang."
I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.
Two weeks ago, I met this girl at The Greyhound and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right?
But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed?
Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Ang? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Ang, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Cafe Noir last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too.
Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Ang ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicki's just a girl and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Ang, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicki's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?
It's true, Ang. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is.
Love, Roaster X
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 20, 2006 21:49:07 GMT -1
True story - bearing in mind I've been bladdered since 10 Feb (my birthday Eve).
Spent Sunday (yesterday) bumming round the house, playing PS2, watching footy etc. the kids were at their grandparents (bliss) cos the mssus was working. 1st day back after 10 days hols so not to happy.
Anyway when she got home late yesterday afternoon she demanded I take her to some place expensive....
So I drove her to the BP Garage; filled me car and grabbed a kebab on the way home!
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Post by Sterland (S4E) on Feb 20, 2006 22:05:17 GMT -1
Charmer!! Wish I could get away with that... I forgot Valentines day as I was nailed at work and she asked where her flowers were, I told her to look on top of the fridge... There was a box of Roses (chocs) left over from Xmas! Took me a few days to get some after that one.. True story - bearing in mind I've been bladdered since 10 Feb (my birthday Eve). Spent Sunday (yesterday) bumming round the house, playing PS2, watching footy etc. the kids were at their grandparents (bliss) cos the mssus was working. 1st day back after 10 days hols so not to happy. Anyway when she got home late yesterday afternoon she demanded I take her to some place expensive.... So I drove her to the BP Garage; filled me car and grabbed a kebab on the way home!
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 20, 2006 22:11:11 GMT -1
Charmer!! Wish I could get away with that... I forgot Valentines day as I was nailed at work and she asked where her flowers were, I told her to look on top of the fridge... There was a box of Roses (chocs) left over from Xmas! Took me a few days to get some after that one.. True story - bearing in mind I've been bladdered since 10 Feb (my birthday Eve). Spent Sunday (yesterday) bumming round the house, playing PS2, watching footy etc. the kids were at their grandparents (bliss) cos the mssus was working. 1st day back after 10 days hols so not to happy. Anyway when she got home late yesterday afternoon she demanded I take her to some place expensive.... So I drove her to the BP Garage; filled me car and grabbed a kebab on the way home! Quality (street) mate!!
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 21, 2006 18:30:27 GMT -1
Question: If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 21, 2006 21:48:23 GMT -1
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know.
Women do.
Women want to learn.
Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 22, 2006 22:19:59 GMT -1
Consider this!!
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them... ;D
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 23, 2006 21:22:27 GMT -1
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered, "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"
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Post by Golden_Boy™ on Feb 23, 2006 21:25:32 GMT -1
Computers have taken over life You know computers have taken over your life when...
You hum the Windows opening theme when ever you wake up You think the numbers on tombstones are high scores You use Google to search for your car keys You actually hand in work from EssayGenerator.com You keep getting fired as you beat up you boss thinking that you’ll get to the next level You keep a trash can and a selection of neatly arranged folders on your des ktop You excuse yourself to go to the toilet by anouncing that you have to "download" You try to shut windows by tapping them on the top right corner You refer to meals as "power ups" You call christmas a "bonus round
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Post by Ninja Squirrel on Feb 24, 2006 13:52:26 GMT -1
A donkey will sink in quicksand but a mule wont!
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 24, 2006 21:56:25 GMT -1
If you had bought £1000.00 of Courts stock one year ago, it would now be worth £49.00.
With Enron, you would have £16.50 left of the original £1,000.00.
With Worldcom.net you would have less than £5.00 left.
Now if you had bought £1,000.00 worth of Stella Artois (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank it all, then turned in the cans for the 10p deposit, you would have £214.00.
Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 25, 2006 23:56:21 GMT -1
Drinking quotes
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." ~Frank Sinatra~
"When I read about the evils of drinking...I gave up reading." ~Henny Youngman~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case....Coincidence? I think not." ~Stephen Wright~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~Brian O'Rourke~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~Benjamin Franklin~
"BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!! " ~ "Unknown" ~
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 1, 2006 21:43:04 GMT -1
Got e-mailed this today - fucking quality (and very true) - and I only post as the women posters haven't yet ventured to these threads:
Men and Women
God made men and women to compliment each ther with the unique traits each were given.
WOMEN
Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy, and laugh when they are nervous.
Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend, after a snowy drive home. They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes, and your neighbours. They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms.
They fight for what they believe in. They stand up against injustice. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart-they know that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable. Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in houses, apartments and cabins.
They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin.
Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want in return is a hug, a smile, and for you to do the same for people you come in contact with.
MEN
Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders...
Fucking quality - and almost true ;D I don't do spiders
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 1, 2006 21:56:24 GMT -1
Above one is better - and truer!
Do Re Mi Beer - by Homer J. Simpson
DOUGH... The stuff that buys me beer.
RAY... The guy that sells me beer.
ME... The guy who drinks the beer
FAR... The distance to my beer.
SO... I think I'll have a beer.
LA... La la la la la la beer.
TEA... No thanks, I'm drinking beer.
That will bring us back to... (Looks into an empty glass) "D'OH!"
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Post by Golden_Boy™ on Mar 1, 2006 22:24:39 GMT -1
great stuff Roaster!
........
GOOD GIRLS VS. BAD GIRLS
Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
Good girls pack their toothbrush. Bad girls pack their diaphragms.
Good girls prefer the missionary position. Bad girls do too, but only for starters.
Good girls say, "No." Bad girls say, "When?"
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 1, 2006 22:26:43 GMT -1
;D
I married a bad girl then! Fucking daughter WILL BE a good girl
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Post by Golden_Boy™ on Mar 1, 2006 22:31:45 GMT -1
lol Well I am making no comment on my situation atm
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 1, 2006 23:33:17 GMT -1
;D
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