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Post by Beerwulf on Mar 29, 2007 14:57:10 GMT -1
Two old boys with Altzheimers on a bench. One says to the other 'I fancy an ice cream' The other says me too I'll go and get you one. 'Can you get a flake in it'. 'Flake, yes'. 'And some of that strawberry sauce' 'Flake, strawberry sauce, yes' 'Oh and some of those hundreds and thousands?' Flake, strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands, yes' And off he goes. Two hours later he returns with a bag of chips and hand's it to his mate who says.... 'I knew you'd forget the fish!!'
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Post by Womble 50 on Mar 29, 2007 15:13:33 GMT -1
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.
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Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?
A. They take the psycho path.
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Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?
A. Cell phones.
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Post by Womble 50 on Mar 29, 2007 15:15:12 GMT -1
One for the wasps rugby team
Q. Where do bees go to the toilet?
A. At the BP station!
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Post by Womble 50 on Mar 29, 2007 15:17:23 GMT -1
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55% of plepoe can
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but teh wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
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Post by Beerwulf on Mar 29, 2007 18:42:18 GMT -1
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55% of plepoe can i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but teh wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! Bmlemiy tehse Cmadbgrei nsdo rae ckufing brtigh!!! I tuothg lnoy I clodu spake Stella!!!!!!!!
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Post by Pete the Wolf on Mar 29, 2007 21:23:38 GMT -1
Someone posted this on Facebook and it gave me a bit of a laugh. Thought this seemed the best thread to put it on.
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Post by BW on Mar 30, 2007 8:14:37 GMT -1
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55% of plepoe can i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but teh wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! Tlltaoy azanmig.
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Post by fizz on Mar 30, 2007 12:07:09 GMT -1
deos ti rlealy fcnkuig wrok tohug. ro ma i a ttoal wkaenr
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Post by BW on Mar 30, 2007 15:00:45 GMT -1
of curose it rlaley fcnkuig wroks oehtr wsie i wluod not be rpsednonig wluod i
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Post by BW on Apr 1, 2007 18:52:13 GMT -1
Waht a psis tkae taht was Wvelos 0 - 6 Stnias. If we pylaed tehm for our nxet 20 mhcetas in a row it wulod not hpaepn aiagn
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Post by BW on Apr 3, 2007 17:00:35 GMT -1
15 British sailors captured for straying into Iranian waters.
14 men
1 woman
Doesn't take a genius to work out who was reading the fucking map does it!
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Post by Pete the Wolf on Apr 8, 2007 18:26:49 GMT -1
You'll need to say this one out loud to get the benefit of it: What noise annoys an oyster? A noisy noise annoys an oyster.
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Post by BW on Apr 14, 2007 0:01:11 GMT -1
What is the difference between acne and Micheal Jackson? Acne doesn't "come" on your face until you are 13.
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Post by BW on Apr 14, 2007 1:09:37 GMT -1
A guy stops to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. His friend says, "My feet are cold. Would you get me my sneakers for me?" The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend's two gorgeous daughters. He says, "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to fuck you." The first daughter says, "That's not true." He says, "I'll prove it." He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?" His friend yells back, "Of course, both of them."
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Post by BW on Apr 14, 2007 1:11:18 GMT -1
These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs. He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?" "Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!" The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton. A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush. The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"
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Post by BW on Apr 14, 2007 1:15:15 GMT -1
Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" The others asked her. "Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked. "Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong." They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her. "It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"
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Post by BW on Apr 14, 2007 1:19:00 GMT -1
In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery. Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs! Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.
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Post by BW on Apr 14, 2007 1:23:57 GMT -1
Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life." Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?" The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
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Post by BW on Apr 14, 2007 1:25:13 GMT -1
The McCartney kids are at the family home anxiously awaiting news of their mother. Paul emerges from his wife's bedroom. "Kid's......there's good news and bad news." "The bad news is your mother's strength and will to live has been sucked away by her awful disease and she died a few moments ago" "The good news is.... It's steak and chips for dinner!"
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Post by BW on Apr 16, 2007 18:56:47 GMT -1
A guy had a major argument with his girlfriend. He was in the wrong, but not enough to back down without an argument. So after storming away, and cooling off, the guy had a think. He was clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty, with all the trauma it had caused. So to make it up to his girlfriend, he said he'd buy her a gift. "Any thing at all, my love", the guy said, overcome with remorse. "Oh, I don't know", she replied, "You really shouldn't do this you know. But, if you are, just get me something really expensive, that I don't need." The following day he booked her in for chemotherapy.
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