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Post by BW on Feb 16, 2007 20:05:53 GMT -1
The board has become so boring that I was looking back at last years topics.
There were some excellent jokes on a similar thread so lets do it again.
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Post by BW on Feb 16, 2007 20:08:24 GMT -1
Womble started last years thread with:- Apparently Gene Pitney's wife has been told it'll take 3 days to get him a coffin made from oak but only 24 hours from Balsa So who is going to beat that then
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Post by BW on Feb 16, 2007 20:12:46 GMT -1
Tartan - you said this but I don't get it??
A deaf man and his mate go into a pub, the deaf bloke goes to the bar whilst his mate goes to the toilet. The deaf bloke orders two pints.
As the barman pours the pints, the deaf bloke notices a sign saying Live Music Tonight. He asks the barman "the live music what type of music is it, is it disco music (shakes his arse at this point). The barman says no. He then asks if it Jazz music, He puts his hands to his mouth and makes a trumpet shape). the barman say no, it is Country and western.
He takes his pints and sits at a table, where his mate joins him. His mate asks did you find out what type of music is on later. The guy replies "not sure, but it is some c**t fae Preston"
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Post by BW on Feb 16, 2007 20:15:46 GMT -1
Next one was from Womble again and it was absolutely excellent:-
The shortest Fairy Story in the World:- Once upon a time a man asked a woman "Will you marry me ?" The woman replied "NO" and the man lived happily ever after, went golfing, fishing, drinking, shagging & still had money left in his pocket at the end of the week The End
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Post by BW on Feb 16, 2007 20:37:25 GMT -1
Larry LaPrise the author of the Hokey Cokey died recently. The family were having a quiet bereavement at the funeral until the coffin was dropped and he fell onto the floor. When they tried to get him back into the coffin the fun and games began. They tried to put the left leg in, the left leg out, in out, in out, you shake it all about
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Post by Tartan Wolf on Feb 18, 2007 17:04:07 GMT -1
Tartan - you said this but I don't get it?? A deaf man and his mate go into a pub, the deaf bloke goes to the bar whilst his mate goes to the toilet. The deaf bloke orders two pints. As the barman pours the pints, the deaf bloke notices a sign saying Live Music Tonight. He asks the barman "the live music what type of music is it, is it disco music (shakes his arse at this point). The barman says no. He then asks if it Jazz music, He puts his hands to his mouth and makes a trumpet shape). the barman say no, it is Country and western. He takes his pints and sits at a table, where his mate joins him. His mate asks did you find out what type of music is on later. The guy replies "not sure, but it is some c**t fae Preston" The barman says it,s "some country and western", the deaf guy hears it as "some c**t from Preston" It is probably more of a visual and verbal joke, it was also just before the Preston game so at least it was topical, if not funny, or in the best of taste, or politically correct. It is also probably better in a Scottish accent, all in all a crap joke.
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Post by Womble 50 on Feb 19, 2007 16:27:23 GMT -1
RUDE ONE
what do a womans arse & a 9 volt battery have in common ?
you know it's wrong but one day you'll put your tongue on it
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Post by Womble 50 on Feb 19, 2007 16:28:40 GMT -1
bought the wife a new Bag & belt for valentines day
The hoover works a treat now !!!!!!!
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Post by wolfman on Feb 19, 2007 19:59:26 GMT -1
1st gay man says " how do you stop yourself getting aids"
2nd gay man says " put lipsil round your bum - it keeps the chaps away"
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Post by wolfman on Feb 19, 2007 20:10:07 GMT -1
What do you call a 2lb loaf in Chicago...... .........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................Bread....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................Sorry.
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Post by C@V on Feb 19, 2007 20:13:24 GMT -1
Here's a joke:
Wolves will go up!
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Post by wolfman on Feb 19, 2007 20:15:02 GMT -1
Here's a joke: Wolves will go up! Nice one cav
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Post by That Bloke on Feb 20, 2007 8:47:32 GMT -1
Here's a joke: Wolves will go up! Genius...
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Post by Beerwulf on Feb 20, 2007 9:19:34 GMT -1
Wasps RFC. Do they have a bee team?
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Post by Beerwulf on Feb 20, 2007 9:41:33 GMT -1
In an Irish accent (with apologies) A bloke walking down the Falls road sees a sign in a pub window ‘Talking Dog for Sale. £10’. Curiosity gets the better of him and he goes in. He buys a pint and asks the landlord about the dog. ‘He’s in the yard through the back there, go and have a look’. The bloke picks up his pint and walks through. There, sitting in the yard, is an ageing black Labrador. ‘Are you the talking dog?’ asks the bloke, feeling a little foolish. ‘I sure am’ said the dog. ‘And I will tell you how it came to be. During the cold war, USA intelligence taught me how to talk. I was posted to Russia and was adopted by the Kremlin where I lay under the table and listened to Soviet strategy. I then passed it back to US intelligence. At the end of the cold war I was posted to the Middle East where I also fed intelligence back to the US. More recently I was posted to Stormont with brief to keep the Whitehouse advised as to progress made during the Anglo Irish peace talks.’ The bloke is stunned and returns to the bar to talk to the landlord. ‘Jees, that is some dog you have there sir, but how can you sell a dog like that for a tenner?’ ‘Cos, he’s a fuckin liar, he hasn’t been to any of those places.’
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Post by BW on Feb 20, 2007 21:05:26 GMT -1
Here's a joke: Wolves will go up! Another 3 points towards 2nd place
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Post by That Bloke on Feb 22, 2007 13:56:15 GMT -1
Heres one you might have heard:
After getting all of the Pope’s luggage loaded into the limo at the airport, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the kerb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take Your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle,and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!!"
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Post by fizz on Feb 22, 2007 14:31:14 GMT -1
Modified:
Bloke walks into an ornament shop. "How much is this brass cat govenor" he asks.
"Well its fifty quid mate and another fifty quid if you want the story behind it"
"No thanks mate i'll just take the brass cat"
He pays over his fifty quid and walks out the shop. Walks past the buthchers and the butchers cat leaps out the door and follows him down the high street. Turns into the housing estate and every house he passes that has a cat starts following behind him. By the time he has been walking for half hour he has got over a 1000 cats following him. He thinks back to what the ornament shop owner told him and thought fuck this im getting rid of this brass cat. He walks to the canal and throws it in all of the cats jump in and drown.
He turns around and goes back to the ornament shop and storms in. "ah" said the ornament shop owner " so you want to pay the other fifty quid for the story do you"
"do I fuck have you got any brass shit supporters"
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Post by BW on Feb 22, 2007 20:16:28 GMT -1
It took me 3 reads Fizz but eventually
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Post by BW on Feb 22, 2007 20:18:47 GMT -1
Wasps RFC. Do they have a bee team? Nice one
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