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Post by Womble 50 on Apr 17, 2007 11:35:21 GMT -1
Durex have announced their new condom called the Iranian
It can hold seamen for 15 days but is only available in navy
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Post by Womble 50 on Apr 17, 2007 11:37:03 GMT -1
A lesbian went to weight watchers. The Instructors 1st statement was "You are what you eat"
she quickly replies "You calling me a c**t"
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Post by BW on Apr 19, 2007 7:55:09 GMT -1
The salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for room and board for the night. The farmer told him there was no vacant room. "I could let you sleep with my daughter," the farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her." The salesman agreed. After a hearty supper, he was led to the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into bed, and felt the farmer's daughter at his side. The next morning he asked for his bill. "It'll be just two dollars, since you had to share the bed," the farmer said. "Your daughter was very cold," the salesman said. "Yes, I know," said the farmer. "We're going to bury her today."
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Post by Womble 50 on Apr 20, 2007 12:40:51 GMT -1
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I am in shape. Round's a shape!
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Britons is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the Jimmy Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
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Post by BW on Apr 26, 2007 17:02:26 GMT -1
ALAN BALL R.I.P. David Beckham is going to speak at his funeral as he is a dead Ball speciallist.
(Courtesy of Gres)
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Post by BW on Apr 26, 2007 17:17:19 GMT -1
3 things you never say in a gay bar:-
1. Bugger me
2. Fuck me - the beers cheap in here
3. Excuse me mate do you mind if I push your stool in a bit.
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Post by BW on Apr 26, 2007 17:19:45 GMT -1
Doctors have identified a food that can cause grief and suffering for years after it has been eaten......... It's called wedding cake!!
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Post by weallloveleeds on Apr 26, 2007 18:36:22 GMT -1
A friend of mine got hit by a mobile library, he was lying there screaming in the middle of the road.
The driver got out, and said...
shhhh!
(Classic Kay)
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Post by Sterland (S4E) on Apr 26, 2007 18:41:16 GMT -1
I went to the doctor today as I had a problem with my ears. I said 'Doc, I'm having trouble with my ears, hearing and that'.. He said 'What are the symptoms?'..
I said 'A yellow cartoon family on channel four and Sky one but what has that got to do with it?'!!!
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Post by BW on Apr 27, 2007 20:33:30 GMT -1
Where is the coldest place in America?? Alabama University - it's minus 32
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Apr 27, 2007 20:35:48 GMT -1
A man says to his wife "Say something to me that will make me both happy and sad at the same time" the wife replies "You have a much bigger dick than your brother".
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Post by BW on May 4, 2007 11:31:53 GMT -1
Q. Why is a washing machine better than a blond? ? A. You can drop your load in a washing machine and it won't follow you around for a week!!
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Post by BW on May 4, 2007 11:38:25 GMT -1
Q. What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common? A. They both have a black box!!
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Post by Beerwulf on May 4, 2007 13:48:53 GMT -1
I went to the zoo today (Whipsnade not Dudley)
One of the monkeys was holding a banana in one hand and a tin opener in the other.
I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to open a banana'
He said 'I know, its to open the custard'.
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Post by Beerwulf on May 4, 2007 14:53:49 GMT -1
Boy comes home from school, worried. What's the problem son? I'm stuck. I have to write an essay explaining the difference between potential and actual. Dad tells the boy to go and ask his mum if she would fuck the milkman for £1m. What did she say? She said yes. Now, go and ask your sister if she would fuck the paper boy for £1m What did she say? She said yes. Well there you are son. Potentially we are millionaires but actually we live with a pair of slags.
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Post by Womble 50 on May 4, 2007 15:00:07 GMT -1
A bloke with no arms entered the world masturbating championships
He didn't come anywhere
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Post by Womble 50 on May 4, 2007 15:03:29 GMT -1
Paddy walked into an Irish bar that had an irish band playing pop music from the 70's & 80's. He stkarted to get pissed off with it so got up & shouted "Can't you do something traditionally Irish!
So the band went outside & started to dig the road up
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Post by BW on May 4, 2007 15:04:42 GMT -1
Q. Why did the Irish man put his finger over the nail he was hammering??? A. The noise gave him headache!!
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Post by BW on May 5, 2007 22:28:16 GMT -1
Q. Why did the blonde wear condoms in her ears?? A. So she wouldn't get hearing aids
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Post by fizz on May 6, 2007 6:23:25 GMT -1
Bloke walks into the barbers goes up to the gaffer and aks "How long do I have to wait till you can cut my hair mate?" Barber replies "oh it will be at least 3 hours". "Fine I'll come back later then". Bloke walks out and doesn't go back again. Next day same bloke same question but told will have to wait at least 2 hours. Says i will be back later then and doesn't turn up again. Next day same crack but told will have to wait at least an hour Barber says to one of his workers "That bokes wierd follow him and see what he's up to. The worker returns to the barbers who asks "well where does he keep going" Worker tells him "round your house"!!!!!
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