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Post by Pete the Wolf on Mar 16, 2007 21:18:09 GMT -1
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
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Post by Pete the Wolf on Mar 16, 2007 21:22:31 GMT -1
A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.
"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it’s an absolute steal at only $20."
"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.
"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity".
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.
Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. "F**k me, a new brothel and a new madam".
"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel" scolds the woman trying not to laugh.
A little later the womans two teenage daughters arrive home.
"Un f**king-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.
A short while later, the woman's husband Dave comes home.
"In f**king-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?"
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Post by Pete the Wolf on Mar 16, 2007 22:07:20 GMT -1
Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
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Post by BW on Mar 16, 2007 22:09:23 GMT -1
Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!" LOL ;D ;D
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Post by Pete the Wolf on Mar 16, 2007 22:14:26 GMT -1
Would probably find this even funnier if I wasn't single but gave me a laugh all the same
Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the a*se and having the balls to say - "You're next fatty."
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Post by BW on Mar 16, 2007 22:22:35 GMT -1
Is your partner over weight??? If so get them to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles at night!! After 2 weeks the fat fucker will be 84 miles away!! Balls might get his partner to walk!! ;D
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Post by Pete the Wolf on Mar 16, 2007 22:34:05 GMT -1
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands.
First floor The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went."
Fourth floor This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!"
So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f**king impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."
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Post by Pete the Wolf on Mar 16, 2007 22:41:22 GMT -1
I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"
So I hung up.
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Post by Womble 50 on Mar 20, 2007 12:48:05 GMT -1
Osama Bin Laden issued a new TV mesage this week to prove that he is still alive & well, He said in the message that Sandwell Town were shit on sunday
Intelligence have dismissed this as false saying it could have been recorded any time in the last 30 years !
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Post by Womble 50 on Mar 20, 2007 14:51:22 GMT -1
Irishman driving down the motorway pulled alongside a lorry & shouted through the window "Here mate, you're losing your load" The truck driver ignored him & put his foot down a bit 5 mins later the Irishman pulled alongside again & shouted through the window "Here mate, you're losing your load" The truck driver ignored him again & put his foot down a bit more 5 mins later the Irishman pulled alongside yet again & shouted through the window "Here mate, you're losing your load" The lorry driver (pissed off now) leaned out of the window & shouted back
"Fuck off you dozy twat - I'm gritting"
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Post by Beerwulf on Mar 22, 2007 11:00:54 GMT -1
Two cats have a swimming race. One is called one two three and the other un deux trois. One two three cat won the race because un deux trois quatre cinq.
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Post by Womble 50 on Mar 22, 2007 12:44:30 GMT -1
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't? A. A navel.
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Post by Womble 50 on Mar 22, 2007 12:45:22 GMT -1
Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.
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Post by Womble 50 on Mar 22, 2007 12:46:20 GMT -1
Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.
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Post by Womble 50 on Mar 22, 2007 12:51:49 GMT -1
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
What an anti-climax joke for post 500
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Post by wolfman on Mar 22, 2007 20:08:16 GMT -1
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window... He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor? "Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer." Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!" What an anti-climax joke for post 500 Excellent!!
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Post by Beerwulf on Mar 23, 2007 15:50:54 GMT -1
HELP!! LOCK STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS. How does this joke end? 'A dwarf carrying a suitcase walks up to a bra standing by a set of traffic lights...
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Post by BW on Mar 24, 2007 8:04:22 GMT -1
Escaped convict breaks into an house and ties up the husband and wife.
He jumps onto the wife kisses her ear then runs to the bathroom.
Husband tells his wife to 'satisfy him or he'll kill us, be strong, I love you'
Wife say's ' he didn't kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he's gay and looking for the vaseline, I told him it was in the bathroom, let's see who's fucking strong now.
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Post by BW on Mar 24, 2007 8:13:12 GMT -1
THE NUNS LORDS PRAYER
My vibro, Which giveth me pleasure, Rabbit be thy name, Til kingdom come, Thy makest me cum, On earth with eyes on heaven, Give me this day, My daily thrill, And forgive me my screams, As I forgive flat batteries, Lead me not into temptation, But deliver me from frustration, For thine is the rotation, The power and the buzzing, For ever and ever, No men.
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Post by BW on Mar 24, 2007 8:17:08 GMT -1
Ten things men know about women
1. They have a vaginal opening
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9
10. Oh, and they have TITS
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