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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 8, 2006 19:58:39 GMT -1
Why have women got legs? You've seen the mess a snail makes! AND So they can walk from the kitchen to the bedroom ;D
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 8, 2006 20:00:34 GMT -1
Whats 20 foot long and smells of piss? Post office Que on pension day ;D I've another one about what's 20 foot long and wrapped around a .... but I promise MNBA not to go down the racist route! My Bernard Manning collection will remain under wraps on these boards!
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Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 8, 2006 20:00:46 GMT -1
hahahahahahahaha
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Post by Ninja Squirrel on Feb 8, 2006 20:03:06 GMT -1
mine too best not to offend any one whats pink and wobbly and hangs out your grandads underpants? Your gran!
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 8, 2006 20:05:55 GMT -1
Tell you what MNBA - you print all these off by the time you return to your hallowed halls of learning you'll be the acknowledged king of comedy!
And I'll you what - one assured way of getting into a girl's knickers is the ability to make her relax and LAUGH (just select the right gags though)
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 8, 2006 20:07:17 GMT -1
What's pink and hairy and hangs out of a pram?
Paedophile's ass!
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 8, 2006 20:11:21 GMT -1
Not saying that Middlesborough's tough but the local pervert pulled his car along side a couple of 9 year olds.
"Hey there girls - if I give you a sweetie will you get in my car"
"The girls looked at each other - smiled and replied"
"Give us the whole bag you can come in our mouths"
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Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 8, 2006 20:11:37 GMT -1
Tell you what MNBA - you print all these off by the time you return to your hallowed halls of learning you'll be the acknowledged king of comedy! And I'll you what - one assured way of getting into a girl's knickers is the ability to make her relax and LAUGH (just select the right gags though) meh had it wi girls make, cant be fucked wi em after today
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Post by Ninja Squirrel on Feb 8, 2006 20:12:05 GMT -1
After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the F B I. No one could solve it so it went to the C I A, then to NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. MI-6 cabled the White House: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 8, 2006 20:13:16 GMT -1
Apologies for the last two;
There was a couple who was about to get married. Before the wedding, they had a tragic accident and both died. As they were standing at the gates of heaven talking to St. Peter they explained their plight and asked could they get married in heaven. St. Peter said, "Wait here," and left.
He was gone for several months then finally returned.
The couple said, "We've been thinking as we were waiting here, eternity is a long time to be married. Just in case things don't work out, is it possible that we can get a divorce?"
St. Peter looked them sternly in the eye then said, "Jeez! It took me three months to find a preacher up here, do you know how long it would take me to find a lawyer?"
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 8, 2006 20:14:56 GMT -1
After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the F B I. No one could solve it so it went to the C I A, then to NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. MI-6 cabled the White House: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down." ;D Classic. That'll be on the corporate e-mail tomorrow . Cheer Ninj
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Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 8, 2006 20:16:39 GMT -1
Tell you what people - if your in doubt about a joke PM me with them first, and ill put it up if i think its ok and credit it to you
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 8, 2006 20:18:49 GMT -1
Cheers - this is clean though
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director, "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?"
"Well..." said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup." "Noooooooo!" answered the director.
"A normal person would pull the plug."
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Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 8, 2006 20:21:37 GMT -1
A group of 40 scousers turned up at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter said, "Bloody hell lads, what happened?"
A buck-toothed young hooligan stepped forward from the rabble and said "Well, sir, our coach crashed on the way back from a football match!"
St Peter was saddened and accepted there excuse. "But" he said "I can only let 15 of the best ones out of you in! I'll go and get the files of you all, stay here."
On the way to get the files St Peter see's god and explains about the scousers. Gods baffled and says that peter must stick to the given limit. On the way back he notices the scousers have left. He rushes back to god.
"Lord, THEY'VE GONE!"
"No matter, more room in heaven!"
"NO... THE GATES... THERE GONE!"
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Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 8, 2006 20:22:40 GMT -1
Cheers - this is clean though During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director, "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?" "Well..." said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup." "Noooooooo!" answered the director. "A normal person would pull the plug." hahahahaha nice one mate.
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 8, 2006 20:43:41 GMT -1
A group of 40 scousers turned up at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter said, "Bloody hell lads, what happened?" A buck-toothed young hooligan stepped forward from the rabble and said "Well, sir, our coach crashed on the way back from a football match!" St Peter was saddened and accepted there excuse. "But" he said "I can only let 15 of the best ones out of you in! I'll go and get the files of you all, stay here." On the way to get the files St Peter see's god and explains about the scousers. Gods baffled and says that peter must stick to the given limit. On the way back he notices the scousers have left. He rushes back to god. "Lord, THEY'VE GONE!" "No matter, more room in heaven!" "NO... THE GATES... THERE GONE!" ;D Brilliant - that ones' going on the Liverpool board on the defunct 606 tomorrow. And I don't give a rats ass if I'm banned. This forum is my new home!!
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Post by Ninja Squirrel on Feb 8, 2006 20:49:48 GMT -1
After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the F B I. No one could solve it so it went to the C I A, then to NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. MI-6 cabled the White House: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down." ;D Classic. That'll be on the corporate e-mail tomorrow . Cheer Ninj my fave at the mo
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 8, 2006 20:50:58 GMT -1
You won't get shorter than this MN!
What kind of bees make milk?
Boobies!
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 8, 2006 20:53:07 GMT -1
And on a blonde theme:
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.
He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What the fuck are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said,
"Duh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first."
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Post by Ninja Squirrel on Feb 8, 2006 20:59:08 GMT -1
What do elephants use as tampax?
Sheep!
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