|
Post by ArgyleNeil on Jan 16, 2007 11:00:56 GMT -1
Exeter City fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance. Also avoid an asymetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.
|
|
|
Post by JJ on Jan 16, 2007 11:01:35 GMT -1
CONVINCE your friends that you play the trombone by standing behind a screen and farting into a watering can.
|
|
|
Post by ArgyleNeil on Jan 16, 2007 11:02:36 GMT -1
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.
|
|
|
Post by ArgyleNeil on Jan 16, 2007 11:03:12 GMT -1
Pretend you`re a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.
|
|
|
Post by JJ on Jan 16, 2007 11:03:47 GMT -1
ANNOY and frustrate SpecSavers staff by wandering up to their counter, squinting your eyes whilst looking up at the price board, and when they ask if they can help you, saying "Big Mac Meal, please."
|
|
|
Post by JJ on Jan 16, 2007 11:04:27 GMT -1
BOILED EGGS cut in half vertically, and with the yolk removed, make ideal miniature porcelain-style urinals for hamsters and guinea pigs
|
|
|
Post by JJ on Jan 16, 2007 11:05:05 GMT -1
NEWSREADERS. Save time in broadcasts by simply reporting when Pete Doherty hasn't been arrested on some drugs charge
|
|
|
Post by ArgyleNeil on Jan 16, 2007 11:05:50 GMT -1
Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.
|
|
|
Post by JJ on Jan 16, 2007 11:06:03 GMT -1
LADY drivers. Draw a little diagram on a Post-it showing the position of the hand brake and gearstick, and stick it to your dashboard. This will save you having to look for them when the lights go green
|
|
|
Post by ArgyleNeil on Jan 16, 2007 11:06:24 GMT -1
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
|
|
|
Post by Giar on Jan 16, 2007 11:06:53 GMT -1
|
|
|
Post by ArgyleNeil on Jan 16, 2007 11:06:54 GMT -1
Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.
|
|
|
Post by ArgyleNeil on Jan 16, 2007 11:07:49 GMT -1
Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.
|
|
|
Post by ArgyleNeil on Jan 16, 2007 11:08:24 GMT -1
Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.
|
|
|
Post by The Lucky C on Jan 16, 2007 11:08:49 GMT -1
Having problems with telemarketers? Simply fake your own death on the phone. You will be crossed off their system, and they won't be able to send anyone round as they don't really know where you live.
|
|
|
Post by ArgyleNeil on Jan 16, 2007 11:09:01 GMT -1
A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties.
|
|
|
Post by ArgyleNeil on Jan 16, 2007 11:09:33 GMT -1
Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding under the covers.
|
|
|
Post by ArgyleNeil on Jan 16, 2007 11:10:15 GMT -1
A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an ideal "car" for snakes.
|
|
|
Post by The Lucky C on Jan 16, 2007 11:10:46 GMT -1
Want to listen to the latest Westlife/Take That/Robbie Williams etc CD? Simply put on a CD by generic boyband ltd and blindfold yourself! You won't be able to tell the difference
|
|
|
Post by ArgyleNeil on Jan 16, 2007 11:11:27 GMT -1
Record the sound of your wife/girlfriend having an orgasm, and then listen to the tape through headphones next time you make love. That way you can have sex without waking her up.
|
|