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Post by Womble 50 on Sept 17, 2007 10:22:28 GMT -1
How can you tell that you are a really shit fan?
you go xmas shopping for presents for your sister, your aunt & your girlfriend & come back with just the 1
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Post by Jodie. on Sept 18, 2007 21:43:55 GMT -1
Someone just told me this;; Whats the difference between a 'Penis' and a 'Bonus' .. ? Your wife will always blow your bonus !
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Post by That Bloke on Sept 19, 2007 12:36:07 GMT -1
A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.'
'You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'
Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, 'You've got £9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch.'
The bloke perks up at this.
'So the thing is' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife.
I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine inch she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed."
So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'
So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.
'So' says the doctor 'Have you spoken with your wife?'
'I have.' says the fellow.
'And has she helped you in making the decision?'
'She has' says the bloke.
And what is it?' asks the doctor. . . . . . . ..
'We're having a new kitchen.
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Post by Ancient Wolf on Sept 20, 2007 8:14:53 GMT -1
did you hear about the man who had a penis transplant?his hand rejected it!
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Post by Ancient Wolf on Sept 20, 2007 8:32:00 GMT -1
A woman goes to the doctors for a check-up. The doctorasks her to strip off,do a handstand and open her legs. the woman is mystified by this, but follows the doctors instructions.She is further confused when the doctor props his chin between her legs and stares in the mirror.What exactly are you doing? asks the woman. Nothing much he replies. Ijust wondered what i`d look like with a goatee....
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Post by Womble 50 on Sept 20, 2007 11:11:57 GMT -1
Bloke comes home to find his wife in bed with one of hes mates. So he pulled out a BIG knife & stabbed him to death
His wife said "Well that was stupid, carry on like that & you'll have no fucking mates left"
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Post by Womble 50 on Sept 20, 2007 11:15:08 GMT -1
A Boggies fan was shagging his sister & she started laughing "wot's so funny" he asked "you fuck like Dad" she said "thats funny mum says that" he replied
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Post by PureOldGold on Sept 20, 2007 11:17:03 GMT -1
A Boggies fan was shagging his sister & she started laughing "wot's so funny" he asked "you fuck like Dad" she said "thats funny mum says that" he replied ;D
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Post by BW on Sept 21, 2007 15:15:45 GMT -1
The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study (as they would!!). After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.46 and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead. ;D ;D
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Post by Beerwulf on Sept 24, 2007 14:28:40 GMT -1
A talking dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".
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Post by Beerwulf on Sept 25, 2007 12:01:31 GMT -1
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
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Post by BW on Oct 15, 2007 8:06:09 GMT -1
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet and tells him, "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, be jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the Doctor
"No, from all that fookin skippin", the Irishman said.
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Post by Womble 50 on Oct 15, 2007 11:36:50 GMT -1
I see condom sales in France have plummeted after it was discovered over the W/E that you can fuck 15 french tarts with ONE JOHNNY
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Oct 15, 2007 13:33:09 GMT -1
After looking for love in all the wrong places, a man returns from the Middle East and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the Hospital to undergo tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital. No one is around but the phone by his bed. and it rings. "This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely contagious and nasty STD called 'G.A.S.H.' It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!" "Oh, my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?" "Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread." "Will that cure me???" asked the man. The doctor replied, "Well no, but....they're the only foods we can get under the door."
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Post by That Bloke on Oct 31, 2007 14:44:13 GMT -1
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop
She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!' The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The doctor then chuckled and said,
'I'm just pulling your leg. he's dead. - What'd you buy?'
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Post by Womble 50 on Nov 1, 2007 9:56:39 GMT -1
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a bloke came along. The guy asks, ''What are you carrying?''
''Melons,'' the blonde replies.
''Cool," the guy says. "If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?''
The blonde giggles and says, ''If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them.''
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Post by Womble 50 on Nov 1, 2007 9:58:50 GMT -1
A man and his wife were invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party after all. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice girl he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife moved on up to him and being a rather seductive woman herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little romp.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.
He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the back room and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"
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Post by Womble 50 on Nov 1, 2007 10:02:16 GMT -1
A rather attractive woman goes up to the counter in a well known hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress is cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red. "Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.
"No" he replies, "I'm just the manager."
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.
"I''m afraid I can't," breathes the manager clearly aroused. "He's in the back doing the accounts right now. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message." She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or soap in the ladies toilet."
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Post by Womble 50 on Nov 2, 2007 15:56:30 GMT -1
Two boggies fans are watching a dog lick its balls and one says “I wish I could do that.” The other guy says, “Give him a biscuit & he'll let you.”
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Post by Womble 50 on Nov 3, 2007 9:32:59 GMT -1
I was really depressed last night so I rang the samaritans Unfortunately it was a call centre in Pakistan & when I told them i felt suicidal they asked me if I could fly a plane
Sorry to all the PC brigade out there
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