At my wits end

[gt]

I am not a great believer in bringing lots of personal problems to the forum, though I would never slate someone for doing so and I feel bad for doing this but I need some advice.

A good friend of mine is in trouble but I can’t help him anymore. He hasn’t worked in years and never has any cash. A few years ago when I was living at home I lent him a considerable amount of money to see him out of trouble – I have never seen a penny of it back. Since I moved back I have been leaned on to lend him the odd tenner for nights out which I have sometimes got back when he got his benefit, and sometimes haven’t.

Now he is in trouble with the benefit people and is completely broke and keeps asking me for money for electricity and suchlike, he has dragged me into town on a few Sundays to do so (it costs me 3 quid on the bus return as I live out in the ‘sticks’. Always with the promise of giving it back ‘the next week.’ This weekend he has got his mother onto me to find out where I am and apparently turned up in town looking for me the other night. I rang him on Sunday and he said he needed money for electricity, pet food and a new sick note because he had lost the last one. I estimate this would have cost me 25 quid. I said no because I simply can’t keep doing it. I have a lovely new girlfriend to spend time and money with, a new flat on the way and may need to visit my Aunty in the South who is hospital with cancer.

I couldn’t sleep last night, I was pacing up and down in tears and now it’s affecting my work – my girlfriend is worried about me to boot and we have only been seeing each other for a matter of weeks.

Am I being a C*nt or have I done all I can? Can anyone recommend a way for him to get help, it seems his family don’t care and would rather I dug into my own pockets to help him.

I’m not looking for sympathy, just some friendly advice because I don’t know how much more of this I can stomach, I’ve never turned my back on a friend.

[CHOPPER READ]

Sounds like his probs are self inflicted Tom and not your lookout,and he seems to be taking you for a ride.

Thing is Tom you are a very good man and this is the reason this parasite leeches on you.

[unkownperson]

GT! hope your ok, sorry ive had no credit will do next week... ok now for the friend,

Personally I would agree with what youve just done by but this might wake the friend up and as well if you keep digging into your own pockets he will be expecting it time and time again, and Just consentrate on your antie and hope she is ok As well as the new Girlfreind..

But if you turn back on this freind how many of your others would turn your back on them if you needed them and as one of my mates said to me women come and go and freinds are ment to be for life...

Sorry for rambleing on and I know ive probs not helped alot

[Neko Bazu]

I must admit, it sounds like you've drawn the line where I would too. It's all well and good, "being a friend," and, "looking out for your mates," and so on, but at the end of the day he's hardly been acting like a friend towards you, asking all this of you.

You've got your own finances to be concerned with - and to be frank, if he's borrowing money so he can go out on the piss, he can't be that worried about his own finances!

Harsh as it sounds, refusing him will - in the long run - do him a world of good. And on your side of things, it's no good helping a mate out if it means you risk suddenly not having a leg to stand on yourself.

[gt]

Thanks guys, you’ve pretty much confirmed the ways I’ve sought to calm myself down. I still feel bad but everyone is telling me the same so I guess I’ll feel better soon. It’s just really knocked me for 6

Tom – I am not going to turn my back on him for good, I wouldn’t do that – I’ve just given him all I can for now. Don’t worry about credit, I’ll drop you a text sometime mate.

[HURLOCK]

Tom

It sounds like this bloke is not really your mate, he's an acqaintance at best. He'll never have the money to pay you back, or he'll ask for another loan as soon as he pays you the odd £10 back. Bottom line is he's made his choice not to work whatever the reason it's not your problem.

Concentrate on your new lady and yourself, that's important fella.

Friendships should never be conditional, also does he only contact you for money. If so (I know this may sound harsh) just drop him

[gt]

hurlock said:

Tom

It sounds like this bloke is not really your mate, he's an acqaintance at best. He'll never have the money to pay you back, or he'll ask for another loan as soon as he pays you the odd £10 back. Bottom line is he's made his choice not to work whatever the reason it's not your problem.

Concentrate on your new lady and yourself, that's important fella.

Friendships should never be conditional, also does he only contact you for money. If so (I know this may sound harsh) just drop him

Cheers Hurlock. It's only very recently he seems to have got in deep trouble. I just want him to find his own way out of it. I was in a mess about 4 years ago but I dug deep, moved home, got a job and was able to move my life on. It took a lot of shit, sacrifices and tears but I got there. I just know that giving him money won't help him, and certainly not me.

[CHOPPER READ]

Hurls is spot on Tom. Any good mate would be there for you and vice versa not take and give nowt back.

Not my choice i know but if any mate of mine did that to me he would be a mate no longer.

[HURLOCK]

gt said:

Cheers Hurlock. It's only very recently he seems to have got in deep trouble. I just want him to find his own way out of it. I was in a mess about 4 years ago but I dug deep, moved home, got a job and was able to move my life on. It took a lot of shit, sacrifices and tears but I got there. I just know that giving him money won't help him, and certainly not me.

We've all been there mate, and he should simply being asking you for advice.

If he's strong he'll work his way out, I hope he does

[Neko Bazu]

I wouldn't ditch him completely; just make it clear I'm not and can't afford to be a walking wallet. GT says this guy's a good friend, so why just toss that out the window so easily?

See how he reacts to what is a very reasonable request first, and make your decision from there.

[Mrs H]

Can I ask why he doesn't work?

[unkownperson]

gt said:

Thanks guys, you’ve pretty much confirmed the ways I’ve sought to calm myself down. I still feel bad but everyone is telling me the same so I guess I’ll feel better soon. It’s just really knocked me for 6

Tom – I am not going to turn my back on him for good, I wouldn’t do that – I’ve just given him all I can for now. Don’t worry about credit, I’ll drop you a text sometime mate.

Ok sorry bud, no worries and yeah i now that you wouldent.. This is me and rambleing... but you will be fine bud

[gt]

mrsh said:

Can I ask why he doesn't work?

Beats me Laura. He said he was working in the summer but another friend says that was BS. I don’t know what to think any more.

[Mrs H]

gt said:

mrsh said:

Can I ask why he doesn't work?

Beats me Laura. He said he was working in the summer but another friend says that was BS. I don’t know what to think any more.

Then if he hasn't a valid excuse you're going have to be cruel to be kind. No-one could accuse you of not being a good friend after the years of support and the fact that his situation is reducing you to tears. You have to ask youself whether his situation is affecting him emotionally?

You've done all you can Tom and it sounds like he needs to hear some home truths!

[gt]

Cheers Laura, appreciate that

[Mrs H]

There's some information about getting a job under different circumstances on this website. Might be worth a look to point him in the right direction?

www.jobcentreplus.gov.uk/JCP/Customers/outofworkhelplookingforwork/Do_you_need_extra_help__/index.html

[gt]

Brilliant, exalted for that. I’ll print it and have a read through tonight; next time I see him I will talk to him about it. The motivation is going to have to come from him though, but we’ll see what happens.

[Mrs H]

gt said:

Brilliant, exalted for that. I’ll print it and have a read through tonight; next time I see him I will talk to him about it. The motivation is going to have to come from him though, but we’ll see what happens.

Exactly you can't do it for him. He has to realise that he's the one that needs to change.

Ta for the exalt

[ESR]

Why can't he turn to other mates instead of you if he really needs money? Surely he's got to realise that you need money yourself and you've done the best you can to help him out

[gt]

Hi ESR, long time no speak mate – trust you are well

Well, I’ve made a rod for my own back over the years I guess, having helped him out before. I suppose he just thought it would be the same everytime. But I started to get sick of it when he dragged me out late one Sunday night a few weeks ago. I gave him 10 and he said he needed 20. I just gave him the ten, went home then got a text saying he wasn’t going back to his flat so was in the pub instead.

His other mates aren’t as soft as me to tell you the honest truth and I feel in some ways I should have come down harder soon, then I wouldn’t be in this situation.