|
Post by Neko Bazu on Jul 20, 2006 14:01:28 GMT -1
Bigamist - a man who makes the same mistake twice
|
|
|
Post by redwhine on Jul 21, 2006 11:13:38 GMT -1
My wife's run off with the next door neighbour.
I do miss him.
|
|
|
Post by redwhine on Jul 21, 2006 11:16:02 GMT -1
Dinner guest : "Your wife makes excellent soup."
Hannibal Lektor : "Yes, I shall miss her."
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Aug 5, 2006 15:22:23 GMT -1
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
|
|
|
Post by redwhine on Aug 5, 2006 16:00:56 GMT -1
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! See reply #38 on July 12. SNAP!!
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Aug 5, 2006 16:09:04 GMT -1
Thought I recognized it as I pasted it from my email
|
|
|
Post by mrdragon on Aug 5, 2006 16:47:36 GMT -1
Man walks into the bedroom to find his wife having mindblowing, orgasmic sex with a stranger.
"What the effing hell is going on here?" The hubby demanded.
"See? I told you he was thick!" The wife said to the stranger.
|
|
|
Post by WyomingWhite on Aug 15, 2006 15:19:44 GMT -1
Apologies if this has been posted before:
Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.
Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."
Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
|
|
|
Post by WyomingWhite on Aug 15, 2006 15:25:54 GMT -1
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year".
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Aug 15, 2006 21:23:11 GMT -1
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year". Heheheheh ;D ;D Sure I've heard it before - but still as funny as fuck ;D
|
|
|
Post by ade on Aug 15, 2006 21:29:57 GMT -1
Marriage - Part I
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and
I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be
on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go
hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old
buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules.
Any comments?"
His new bride said,
"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here
at seven o'clock every night ......... whether you're here or not."
(DAMM SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
******************************
Marriage (Part III) Husband (a doctor) and
his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either,"
and storms out of the house.
After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends
and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the
irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
******************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in
spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go
home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He
shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right
back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
**************************************
Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized
that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM
for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to
break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please
wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why
his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the
bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a
rough draft before the masterpiece.
|
|
|
Post by ade on Aug 15, 2006 21:36:41 GMT -1
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Aug 25, 2006 21:48:32 GMT -1
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" ;D
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Sept 30, 2006 9:09:52 GMT -1
A 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was badly broken anyway.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
;D
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Sept 30, 2006 9:11:01 GMT -1
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 am tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show him."
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Oct 16, 2006 19:28:50 GMT -1
Two couples are on a double-date when they start talking about partner swapping. They decide it would be cool to try it out. The two couples then go to a local hotel.
They rent two rooms for the night, and the newly shuffled couples go to their respective rooms. One couple, in their room, go wild with each other. They make love for hours.
When finished, one of them rolls over onto her side, props herself on an elbow, lite up a cigarette, and looking at her partner says: "I wonder how the guys are doing?"
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Nov 3, 2006 22:28:39 GMT -1
A married couple go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
To that she replies "Well, come here and I?ll warm them between my legs."
He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For fuck's sake, don't your ears ever get cold?"
|
|
|
Post by Pete the Wolf on Nov 6, 2006 19:23:29 GMT -1
Not sure who said this, but it's amusing.
"Marriage ain't a word. It's a sentence." ;D
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Nov 20, 2006 15:07:53 GMT -1
What's the definition of the bravest man in the world?
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says:
"You're next,fatty."
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Nov 20, 2006 15:28:52 GMT -1
A widow lay crying on her psychiatrist's couch.
"We were married twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear. "Never had an argument in all those years."
"Amazing," said the doctor. "How did you do it?"
"I outweighed him by fifty pounds and he was a coward", she replied
|
|