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Post by Roaster©®™ on Apr 26, 2006 16:50:43 GMT -1
After 29 years of marriage, a woman decided she needed to do something to spice up her marriage.
She went out and bought a pair of crotchless panties, put them on, walked up to her husband and said, "Do you want some of this?"
He replied, "Hell No... Look what it did to those pants!"
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Apr 26, 2006 16:53:15 GMT -1
Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, ''He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems.'' So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.
A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country, she called her husband and told him she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she could walk off any ill effect by the time she reached home. So she stopped at the diner, and before she knew it she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted.
Upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her, exclaming delightedly, ''Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'' He then blindfolded her then led her to a chair at the table. Just as he was about to remove the blindfold the phone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold till he came back. Then he went to answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted the weight to one leg, and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelt like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk coming froma pulp mill. She took a napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears turned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signed the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with the napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contently to herself, she was the picture of innocence when her husband returned. Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removes the blindfold to reveal twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a first Happy Anniversary!
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Apr 26, 2006 16:57:49 GMT -1
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words... "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.
Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride.
She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style.
She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you.
Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?'
..."And so, here we are!"
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Apr 26, 2006 17:01:18 GMT -1
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, since it was pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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Post by Roaster©®™ on May 4, 2006 21:15:47 GMT -1
A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in Iraq a few months ago.
So she sends him this care package. He is excited to get a package from his wife back home.
He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows.
He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park.
Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking his best friend's ding dong.
After a few seconds, he blows his load in her pie hole and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough.
She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."
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Post by bananacrepe on May 5, 2006 11:03:09 GMT -1
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman, in particular, loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on t his plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare, eyes riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a cowboy from Wyoming stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle,unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time.
No one moves.
He removes his shirt. Muscle s ripple across his chest.
She gasps . . .
He whispers . .
"Iron this. Then get me a beer."
Banana
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Post by Roaster©®™ on May 9, 2006 16:37:05 GMT -1
Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.
"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked.
"No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed."
"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces."
"The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."
"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?"
"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."
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Post by Roaster©®™ on May 16, 2006 16:35:11 GMT -1
Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide. One says to the other, "I'm sorry - I was looking for my wife."
"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."
"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"
"She's tall, with long hair, long legs, firm boobs and a tight ass.
What's your wife look like?" "Never mind, let's look for yours!"
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Jun 6, 2006 18:54:24 GMT -1
One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Jun 13, 2006 10:26:14 GMT -1
"Darling," whispered a frail little husband from his chair. "I'm very sick, would you please call me a vet?"
"A vet? Why do you want a vet and not a medical doctor?" asked his wife. The husband replied, "Because I work like a horse, live like a dog, and have to sleep with a cow."
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Jun 26, 2006 16:07:54 GMT -1
Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator. While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.
The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know... ''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.''
The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know... ''Double Income, No Kids Yet. "
The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know... ''Rich, Urban, Biker. "
The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know... ''Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''
They turn to the woman and ask her. ''What are you?''
She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.''
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Post by redwhine on Jun 26, 2006 21:59:12 GMT -1
The first thing a bride sees as she enters the church is the aisle. Then she notices the altar as she walks towards it. Finally, she becomes aware of the hymn being sung.
From that moment on, it goes through her head, " Aisle, altar, hymn. Aisle,altar,hymn........."
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Post by redwhine on Jun 26, 2006 22:02:29 GMT -1
the three rings of marriage:
Engagement ring,
Wedding ring,
Suffer ring!
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Jul 5, 2006 12:49:34 GMT -1
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist ask him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."
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Post by redwhine on Jul 8, 2006 4:57:00 GMT -1
Re-marriage : The triumph of optimism over experience.
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Post by redwhine on Jul 8, 2006 4:59:16 GMT -1
The Oxford English Dictionary has the same entry for marriage as for bigamy........
"One wife too many."
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Post by redwhine on Jul 8, 2006 5:06:12 GMT -1
Fred died, and becauseof his less than blameless life, ends up in a warmer place (HELL!)
He was forever lording it over the imps (sorry Lincoln) and daemons, and the devil remarked, "You act as if you own the place."
"But I do", he replied, "My wife gave it to me on Earth!"
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Post by redwhine on Jul 8, 2006 5:35:20 GMT -1
Charlie's wife died and he had her buried face down in the car park outside their flat.
"I know you two were close," said a friend, "so I can see why you'd want her buried nearby, but why face down?"
"I needed somewhere to park my bike!"
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Jul 12, 2006 20:18:50 GMT -1
My deputy told this one today during a staff meeting - she's a woman (as are most of my staff ) "A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! . . . Gotta love that fairy!"
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Post by redwhine on Jul 14, 2006 1:07:46 GMT -1
A man was in a bunk in a railway sleeper and the woman asked him if he wouldn't mind fetching her a glass of water.
"I've got a better idea", he replies,"Why don't we play husbands and wives?"
"Oooh! That would be lovely."
"Good. Now fetch your own bloody water and let me sleep!"
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