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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on Apr 12, 2008 18:19:00 GMT -1
A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. Bob says "I've got Mumps and they were contagious". Katie say's "My Gran had a bug and it was contagious". Little johnny jumps up and says "Our neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush and my dad says it'll take the cuntagious!"  |
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Apr 12, 2008 18:21:17 GMT -1
Bloke goes to buy a talking dog, he gets there & the dog says "Alright mate?".
The guy says "Fuckin hell, seen it all now".
Dog says "I've won crufts 5 times, been on t.v, in films, sniffed out explosives in Iraq and run 8 marathons"
The guy says to the owner "Why you selling him then?"
Owner says "Cause he's a lying C*nt"
;D
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on Apr 16, 2008 11:21:14 GMT -1
Bloke goes to buy a talking dog, he gets there & the dog says "Alright mate?". The guy says "Fuckin hell, seen it all now". Dog says "I've won crufts 5 times, been on t.v, in films, sniffed out explosives in Iraq and run 8 marathons" The guy says to the owner "Why you selling him then?" Owner says "Cause he's a lying C*nt" ;D |
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Apr 16, 2008 11:38:31 GMT -1
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac were all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.
"Lets have sex with a cat," said the zoophile.
"Lets have sex with a cat, and then torture it," said the sadist.
"Lets have sex with a cat, torture it and then kill it," said the murderer.
"Lets have sex with a cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Lets have sex with a cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac
Silence...
Then the masochist said, "Meow."
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Post by addicted2venos on Apr 16, 2008 12:05:59 GMT -1
.......... I was feeling really down the other night. Alone and miserable I decided that I should probably talk to someone about my problems. So I decided to phone the Samaritans for help. Imagine my suprise to find they'd out-sourced their call centres to Pakistan. I was a bit put out but decided to tell them my problems anyway. As I talked to them I finally admitted that I'd sunk so low I was actually contemplating suicide .......... at which point the bloke on the other end of the line got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck!!
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Apr 17, 2008 16:53:15 GMT -1
You heard about that new talking Taliban action figure?
No one knows what it says 'cos they're too fucking scared to pull the toggle!
;D
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Apr 17, 2008 16:54:20 GMT -1
If you think passengers spending 24 hours at Terminal 5 is bad, I know someone who was hanging around Paddington Station for 6 days!!
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on Apr 17, 2008 16:55:45 GMT -1
If you think passengers spending 24 hours at Terminal 5 is bad, I know someone who was hanging around Paddington Station for 6 days!! Ouch ! |
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Apr 20, 2008 15:06:19 GMT -1
As for George Michael being a great musician- I agree. But while he's the greatest on the piano, I hear he sucks on the organ.
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Post by Arnold on Apr 20, 2008 15:45:51 GMT -1
If you think passengers spending 24 hours at Terminal 5 is bad, I know someone who was hanging around Paddington Station for 6 days!! Ouch ! How that happened I will never know! |
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Apr 22, 2008 9:39:07 GMT -1
I took this really hot bird out for dinner last week.
After we finished eating and was on our way out of the restaurant, she grabbed me by the hand and said - 'I just want to be treated like a princess'...
I took that on board, broke into the nearest Merc and crashed into a wall.
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Apr 22, 2008 17:37:29 GMT -1
Went to see a quadriplegic juggler last night .
Wasn't very good . Kept dropping the quadriplegics
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Apr 22, 2008 17:38:26 GMT -1
Why are Mexicans so short? Because when they're young, their parents say, "When you grow up you have to get a job"  ;D |
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on Apr 22, 2008 17:41:04 GMT -1
I took this really hot bird out for dinner last week. After we finished eating and was on our way out of the restaurant, she grabbed me by the hand and said - 'I just want to be treated like a princess'... I took that on board, broke into the nearest Merc and crashed into a wall. ;D D.I.A.N.A Died in a nasty accident ;D |
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Apr 22, 2008 17:41:39 GMT -1
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Apr 23, 2008 11:51:58 GMT -1
A man says to his wife, "Get your gear, we're going fishing."
She says to him "But I don't want to go fishing!"
He says "If you don't want to go fishing, you either give me a blow job or take it up the arse."
"OK" she says "I'll give you a blow job."
She starts sucking and suddenly exclaims "Yeuck, your dick tastes of shit!"
The man says "I know, the dog didn't want to go fishing either!"
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on Apr 23, 2008 11:54:14 GMT -1
A man says to his wife, "Get your gear, we're going fishing." She says to him "But I don't want to go fishing!" He says "If you don't want to go fishing, you either give me a blow job or take it up the arse." "OK" she says "I'll give you a blow job." She starts sucking and suddenly exclaims "Yeuck, your dick tastes of shit!" The man says "I know, the dog didn't want to go fishing either!" Classic ;D |
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Apr 23, 2008 11:56:36 GMT -1
an eskimo is driving through wales his car breaks down so he gets a mechanic out he looks under the bonnet and says "you've blown a seal" the eskimo replies "yeah and you fuck sheep"
;D
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Apr 27, 2008 14:28:08 GMT -1
Little Suzie is sitting in class when the teacher notices a puddle beneath her chair.
"Ah Suzie, why didn't you put your hand up?" asks the teacher.
"I did Miss, but it ran through my fucking fingers."
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Post by Pete the Wolf on Apr 27, 2008 14:35:27 GMT -1
How does a guy know when he's got a very VERY high sperm count?
His girlfriend has to chew before swallowing.
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;D