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Post by Roaster©®™ on Oct 26, 2007 21:40:01 GMT -1
A married couple was lying in bed one night. The wife is all curled up, ready to go to sleep, as the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife, and fondles her "special area." He does this a few times, but only for very short intervals before turning back to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused... and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement, she gets up performs a seductive strip-tease right in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, "What are you doing? Put your nightie back on and stop prancing about!" His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown.... I thought it was foreplay."
The husband says, "No, not at all."
His wife asks angrily, "Well, then what the hell were you doing?"
Seconds before his death, he says... "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the page."
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Nov 7, 2007 23:20:57 GMT -1
Two guys are in a lap-dancing bar, one is sitting in front of the other.
A woman comes on stage and starts stripping.
The guy in back, Paul, says, "Oh yeah, Oh yeah!"
Then the first guy turns around and says, " Hey Paul, shut up!"
Then two women come out and start stripping. Paul, once again, starts, "Yeah baby..mmmm....yeah!"
Once again the guy in front turns around and tells Paul to be quiet.
So three women come out and start stripping. Paul is silent.
The guy in front says, "Hey Paul, where's all your excitement now?"
Paul says, "All over your back!"
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Nov 14, 2007 22:43:37 GMT -1
A guy is forced to live in a remote Eskimo village but is having trouble interacting with the villagers. Finally he corners one of them and asks why they won't talk to him.
The villager responds that he has not been initiated as a man.
He ask's what do I have to do?
The villager says, first you have to drink 2 bottles of Russian Vodka, then you have to go into a cave and kill a polar bear with your bare hands, then to seal your induction into manhood you have to make love for 10 hours straight with one of our women. The man says he will do it. That night there's a big party to initiate the stranger. Everyone sits around the fire and they pass him a bottle of Vodka. He down's about half without much trouble, but the second half is much more difficult (too cold). Finally he finishes it, and they pass him another. He finally manages to finish off the second bottle and the crowd claps and sings. Then he tried to get up but fell over drunk.
The chief picks him up and points him in the direction of the polar bear cave. He staggers over and climbs in. Suddenly there's a huge commotion from within the cave. Bears growling and him screaming and wailing in pain. 2 hours later he stumbles out of the cave, torn to shreds, bloodied, and half dead. He turns to the crowd and drunkenly says, "Wahay, now where's the woman I gotta kill?"
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Nov 15, 2007 22:45:55 GMT -1
Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alley and get it on. I've got fifteen quid."
She says, "FIFTEEN quid? You're crazy. For fifteen quid, I'll let you LOOK at it."
They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."
She says, "Thank you."
He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"
She says, "Go ahead."
He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"
She says, "Of course."
He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Nov 26, 2007 22:32:06 GMT -1
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
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Post by urrzzzzzzzzzz on Dec 5, 2007 19:53:33 GMT -1
Zubu is a 5 year old African boy. He only has one arm, and one leg. Everyday he has to cycle 10 miles to school. ...For just a small donation of £2.50; you can download the video- it's fucking hilarious! Reading that has made my day.
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Dec 5, 2007 22:30:19 GMT -1
A bloke wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the M6. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new dick that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch." The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision." The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the man. "And has she helped you in making the decision?" "She has," says the man. "And what is it?" asks the doctor. "We're getting a new fucking kitchen."
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Dec 6, 2007 22:39:42 GMT -1
Two Aussie builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Phil: - 'Scuse me.. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Phil: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Phil: - Er... mmm . well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Phil: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Phil: - Me? Never.
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Phil: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.
Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Eric: - What's that then?
Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Eric: - Nope.
Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker.
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Jan 18, 2008 21:18:14 GMT -1
You ever heard the one about the little lad who grew up thinking women had teeth between their legs?
Well, when he was younger his mother told him women have teeth between their legs, so he decided he would be a good boy and not fool around prematurely, and he grew up believing it.
Anyway, on his 21st birthday he went to a bar to celebrate. He met this pretty young lady and they hit it off. She ends up taking him home. They start getting friendly, kissing and petting and such and she starts to take off her pants. He immediately stops her and tells her, "don't do that, my mum told me about you women. You bitches have teeth between your legs."
She begins to laugh hysterically and finally, after she stops laughing, explains to him that his mother has lied to him. She then proceeds to start slipping her pants down while saying "Trust me, I'll show you."
He reluctantly agrees to let her show him. Once she gets her pants off she slowly spreads her legs and says, "see there, I don't have any teeth between my legs."
He tells her, "it's no fucking wonder, look at the state of your gums!"
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Jan 18, 2008 21:45:35 GMT -1
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Western Oklahoma. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chilli. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best Okie manner says, 'Nah, go ahead.'
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.
The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too'.
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Jan 18, 2008 21:50:00 GMT -1
An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite biscuits wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite biscuits, freshly baked.
Was it heaven?
Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in crumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.............
"Fook off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
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Post by Golden_Boy™ on Mar 5, 2008 12:47:51 GMT -1
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA only just seen this but thats funny ass shit. ;D Classic!
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Post by Golden_Boy™ on Mar 5, 2008 12:49:04 GMT -1
Not to be inserted where?
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Mar 5, 2008 20:01:07 GMT -1
How does it change many dyslexics to take a light-bulb?
;D
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Post by T C on Mar 13, 2008 22:22:27 GMT -1
Michael Jackson is buying a new theme park now that he has sold neverland. It's called dinosaur world. Every kid will leave it with a mega-saur-arse
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Mar 17, 2008 11:35:10 GMT -1
The Welsh mining industry looks set for a come-back......
Apparently they've found some copper in Snowdonia.
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Post by T C on Mar 17, 2008 22:15:24 GMT -1
The Welsh mining industry looks set for a come-back...... Apparently they've found some copper in Snowdonia.
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on Mar 18, 2008 12:10:56 GMT -1
Michael Jackson is buying a new theme park now that he has sold neverland. It's called dinosaur world. Every kid will leave it with a mega-saur-arse #roflamo#
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Mar 18, 2008 12:15:51 GMT -1
A man walks up to a lass in a night club and says "Hi the names Bond!" She says "Don't tell me it's James?" "No" he replies "it's UNI, I'm here to fill yer crack!"
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Post by T C on Mar 18, 2008 22:49:20 GMT -1
;D
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