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Post by Golden_Boy™ on Feb 26, 2007 11:43:04 GMT -1
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 9, 2007 21:45:59 GMT -1
A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer", he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,
"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.
The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having." She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window and plummets 30 floors to her death.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you can be a right bastard when you're pissed!"
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Post by Pete the Wolf on Mar 16, 2007 0:03:40 GMT -1
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
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Post by CHOPPER READ on Mar 25, 2007 15:41:29 GMT -1
Pakistan,the only team to go to the world cup and come back with the ashes.
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Post by CHOPPER READ on Mar 26, 2007 7:54:00 GMT -1
Pakistan have decided to give up cricket and take up Bob sleighing instead.
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Post by ade on Apr 5, 2007 10:04:42 GMT -1
Princess Di
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Does anyone know what happened to her?
She had that one hit song with Elton John and then you never saw her again.
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Apr 28, 2007 20:30:38 GMT -1
Three vampires walk into a bar and order drinks. The first vampire asks for blood. The second vampire asks for blood. The third vampire asks for some hot water. The bartender is baffled. "Why don't you want blood like everyone else?" "Because," says the third vampire, pulling out a USED tampon, "I'm making tea." ;D
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Apr 28, 2007 22:18:38 GMT -1
A plane crashed in the middle of the ocean and only two men and a woman survived. They managed to get to an island on a dingy. To entertain themselves they fucked each other.
The survivors had a threesome every night but the woman felt ashamed from what she was doing so she killed herself.
Three days later the men felt ashamed in what they were doing...
.........so they buried her!
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Post by Arnold on Apr 29, 2007 8:45:34 GMT -1
Three vampires walk into a bar and order drinks. The first vampire asks for blood. The second vampire asks for blood. The third vampire asks for some hot water. The bartender is baffled. "Why don't you want blood like everyone else?" "Because," says the third vampire, pulling out a USED tampon, "I'm making tea." ;D
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Post by Roaster©®™ on May 28, 2007 23:26:36 GMT -1
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking.
Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - "Take a clean dish and...."
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Post by Roaster©®™ on May 28, 2007 23:28:28 GMT -1
What are the four worst things about being an egg? 1. You only get hard once 2. You only get laid once 3. You only get eaten once 4. And the only one who sits on your face is your mother
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on May 29, 2007 21:14:32 GMT -1
Two men are sitting in a restaurant. There is also a gypsy woman sitting opposite to them with her legs wide spread.
One man says: "Look, she has such dark hair on her genitals!" the other says: "Oh no, it isn't hair, it is dark panties!" Then they made a bet - £100 . A waiter goes by so they ask him to find out for them.
He did so, but takes all the money and walks away. "What happened, why are you taking the money?!" Asked the waiter.
He replies: "Neither of you was right! She had her period and there were flies on her!"
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Post by CHOPPER READ on Jun 15, 2007 21:47:27 GMT -1
Barrymore has been asked if he wants to do panto this year but says he doesn't think so as he did Aladdin 4 years ago and still aint heard the last of it.
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Post by Dr LuKas on Jun 15, 2007 21:49:11 GMT -1
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA only just seen this but thats funny ass shit.
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Post by PASTIE on Jul 5, 2007 18:21:53 GMT -1
>>A bloke goes into a pub and the barmaid asks what he wants. >> >>"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between >>your tits" he says. >> >>"You dirty git" shouts the barmaid "get out before I get my husband." >>The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. >> >>The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. >> >>"I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of >>your >>Arse and lick it all off" he says. >> >>"You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out!" she screams. >> >>Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again. >>"One more chance" says the barmaid. "Now - what do you want?" >> >>"I want to turn you upside down, open your legs and fill your pussy with >> >>Stella Artois, and then drink every last drop from it." >> >>The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to >>Fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly. >> >>"What's up love?" he asks. >>"There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my t1ts >>and >>Lick the sweat off", she says. >> >>"I'll kill him. Where is he?" shouts the husband. >> >>"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and >>lick >>It off" she screams. >> >>"Right. He's dead," says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat. >> >>"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with >>Stella >>And then drink it all" she cries. >> >>The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches >>the telly back on. >> >>"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically. >> >> >>"Look love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 15 pints of >>Stella."
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Sept 28, 2007 21:51:16 GMT -1
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a fella upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
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Post by weallloveleeds on Sept 28, 2007 22:13:50 GMT -1
Zubu is a 5 year old African boy. He only has one arm, and one leg. Everyday he has to cycle 10 miles to school. ...For just a small donation of £2.50; you can download the video- it's fucking hilarious!
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Gunther
Sunday League Player
[M0:51]Shut ya mart you POOMPLEX!
Posts: 30
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Post by Gunther on Oct 7, 2007 10:37:25 GMT -1
Pavarotti walks up to Lady Di in heaven and exclaims "Fuck me diana! Thats a big halo you've got there, i hope one day i have one that big"
To which Diana replies "Fuck off you fat C*nt that's not a halo, that's the steering wheel"
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Gunther
Sunday League Player
[M0:51]Shut ya mart you POOMPLEX!
Posts: 30
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Post by Gunther on Oct 7, 2007 10:40:53 GMT -1
Theres been a case of foot and mouth reported a few weeks ago in a field as far north as Scotland.
Researches now just have to find the rest of Colin Mcrae
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Post by Teesside White on Oct 7, 2007 17:06:27 GMT -1
Little girl founds her dog dead with its legs in the air and ask her dad why its like that. Dad says its diedand is like that so Jesus can pick it up and take it to heaven.
Next day she says "Dad, mum nearly died today. She was on her back with her legs in the air shouting 'OH JESUS IM COMING!!!!!' and if it hadnt been for the milkman holding her down then we would have lost her
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