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Post by Roaster©®™ on Apr 14, 2006 23:38:59 GMT -1
PMSL!
That hurt MM! Have an exalt and leave me to sleep ;D
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Post by MRMILLWALL on Apr 14, 2006 23:45:05 GMT -1
PMSL! That hurt MM! Have an exalt and leave me to sleep ;D Good joke wasnt it Roaster. Good night, youve been a good audience, have & exalt yourself.
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Apr 15, 2006 12:23:14 GMT -1
And having posted a classic Bin Laden one in the Religious thread here's another on the same theme:
Why don't Iraqis have Drivers Ed and Sex Ed on the same day?
It's too hard on the camels!
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Apr 23, 2006 19:13:41 GMT -1
When six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when the wife was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
"Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your rear?"
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Post by Ninja Squirrel on Apr 23, 2006 19:15:25 GMT -1
Mc Donalds Job Application
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
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leicesterlass
Trainee
Retired. Catch me on facebook/e-mail on my profile if you wish.
Posts: 8
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Post by leicesterlass on Apr 24, 2006 18:35:20 GMT -1
Mc Donalds Job Application This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! NAME: Greg Bulmash SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely. SIGN HERE: Aries. Lol.
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Apr 26, 2006 16:54:52 GMT -1
Two guys were walking down the street and the first guy glanced at a girl who was walking by.
She turned around and said indignantly, "What are you looking at?"
The second guy pointed to his friend and said, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Apr 26, 2006 16:56:33 GMT -1
A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole.
He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb"
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Post by Shippers on May 4, 2006 9:03:01 GMT -1
two naturist philosiphers sit at the beach.
one says to the other 'have you read marx?'
the other replies 'that would be the wicker charis'
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Post by Shippers on May 4, 2006 9:07:41 GMT -1
Monet walks into a pub and he sees Van Gogh at a table on his own in the corner looking sorry for himself. So Claude wanders over and says 'Hey Vinny! How you doing?'
Vincent replies 'Not too good Claude, I've got some real problems'
So Claude says, 'I'll get you a pint and you can tell me all about it'
But Vinny says ' No need. I've got one ear'
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Post by Shippers on May 4, 2006 9:08:21 GMT -1
Why are pirates called pirates?
They just arrrggghhh
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Post by Shippers on May 4, 2006 9:10:56 GMT -1
where does kylie get her kebabs?
at Jason's Donner van!
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Post by bananacrepe on May 4, 2006 10:46:43 GMT -1
truely groan worthy!!! Have an exalt lol
Banana
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Post by Roaster©®™ on May 4, 2006 14:06:00 GMT -1
Monet walks into a pub and he sees Van Gogh at a table on his own in the corner looking sorry for himself. So Claude wanders over and says 'Hey Vinny! How you doing?' Vincent replies 'Not too good Claude, I've got some real problems' So Claude says, 'I'll get you a pint and you can tell me all about it' But Vinny says ' No need. I've got one ear' That's a good 'un! ;D
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Post by Roaster©®™ on May 4, 2006 21:18:00 GMT -1
Three men are sitting at a bar and each admits that he thinks his wife is cheating on him.
"I found a hammer and a tool belt under my bed yesterday," the first man says. "I think my wife is sleeping with a carpenter."
"Well, I found a medical bag under my bed yesterday," the second man admits. "I think my wife is sleeping with a doctor."
"That's nothing," the third man says. "When I came home yesterday, I found a cowboy under my bed.I think my wife is screwing a horse."
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Post by bananacrepe on May 5, 2006 11:05:01 GMT -1
John Prescott's wife has announced that she is glad the affair is out in the open and that she has forgiven him.
She also announced that she had forgiven the young lady with whome he had the affair and infact conceded that the fact Mr Prescott had sex with his secretary was a massive weight off her chest.
Banana
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Post by MRMILLWALL on May 5, 2006 13:24:59 GMT -1
Appointment Excuses
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm.
His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again.
This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
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Post by MRMILLWALL on May 5, 2006 13:26:21 GMT -1
Three men are sitting at a bar and each admits that he thinks his wife is cheating on him. "I found a hammer and a tool belt under my bed yesterday," the first man says. "I think my wife is sleeping with a carpenter." "Well, I found a medical bag under my bed yesterday," the second man admits. "I think my wife is sleeping with a doctor." "That's nothing," the third man says. "When I came home yesterday, I found a cowboy under my bed.I think my wife is screwing a horse." Class ;D
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Post by Roaster©®™ on May 9, 2006 16:41:50 GMT -1
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jelly and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
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leicesterlass
Trainee
Retired. Catch me on facebook/e-mail on my profile if you wish.
Posts: 8
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Post by leicesterlass on May 9, 2006 16:47:47 GMT -1
What does John Prescott and an MFI flatpack have in common?
A few screws in the wrong place and the whole fucking cabinet falls apart!
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