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Post by Bones on Jun 13, 2009 20:18:25 GMT -1
Viagra is now available in a powder form which you can add to your tea or coffee.
Not only does it help sexual performance, it also stops your biscuit from going soft.
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on Jul 21, 2009 11:15:45 GMT -1
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so called on him for his offering. Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried.
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on Jul 29, 2009 11:08:14 GMT -1
HAVE YOU EVER HAD ONE OF THOSE DAYS??
I was in the bar yesterday when I suddenly realised I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so singing loudly with the music to help cover it I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
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Post by crawleyred on Jul 29, 2009 11:16:00 GMT -1
HAVE YOU EVER HAD ONE OF THOSE DAYS?? I was in the bar yesterday when I suddenly realised I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so singing loudly with the music to help cover it I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. Haha ;D
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on Aug 10, 2009 11:12:31 GMT -1
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.
He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'
To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'
And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'
He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to
make a dent in that pile of sand.'
So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile
of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'
The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella
that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no
coulda finda him nowhere.'
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says 'And you, I thought I told
you to shovel this pile.'
The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself
a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot couldna
fin' him neither.'
The foreman is really angry now.. He storms off toward the pile of sand to
look for the Chinese gent.
Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells,
'SUPPLISE!!!!'
Tell me you ain't smilin'?
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on Aug 13, 2009 11:02:16 GMT -1
Yesterday I was pulled over by the police who asked "Have you been drinking sir?" I replied "Are you asking me this, because I have a fat bird in my car?"
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on Aug 20, 2009 11:01:58 GMT -1
Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.
You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'
'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!' 'Which of the following birds does NOT build it's own nest?'
A : Sparrow
B: Thrush
C: Magpie
D: Cuckoo
I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin'. Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple.......it's a cuckoo.'
'Are you sure?'
'I'm fookin sure.' Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'
'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris
'Dat it is, Sir.'
There was a long - long pause, and then Chris Tarrant screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da cuckoo that doesn't build it's own nest?
'Because he lives in a fookin clock!'
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Aug 24, 2009 18:38:38 GMT -1
Hear about the new fast-food restaurant that has opened in Bradford?
It's called Burqa King. ;D
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Aug 25, 2009 18:09:17 GMT -1
I went to the doctor today with severe headaches. He asked me if I'd suffered any memory loss. How the fuck would I know?
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on Sept 22, 2009 11:03:51 GMT -1
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested, Both said they were very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer..
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure
and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged
the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on Sept 30, 2009 11:06:42 GMT -1
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four."
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy, "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."
The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on Oct 6, 2009 11:48:33 GMT -1
In a run-down part of East London recently, a fire destroyed a dilapidated four storey house that had been divided into four flats.
A Nigerian family of six internet con artists and full time benefit cheats lived on the first floor, and all six tragically perished in the fire.
A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they too, all perished in the fire.
Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free occupied the 3rd floor and they too, died.
And one middle aged British white couple lived on the top floor. They miraculously survived the fire.
The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Human Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why were just the British white couple saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service - questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news.
The Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment would be available within the next 36 hours - so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.
The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!
A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area and demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.
On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.
The chief fire officer quietly replied:-
"They were at work."
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Oct 6, 2009 20:29:44 GMT -1
;D
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Post by Teesside White on Oct 22, 2009 11:18:14 GMT -1
Man hires a chinese P.I. called Chen Li to spy on his wife, this was his report:
I arrive house, you leave house, he arrive house, he she leave house, he she go hotel me follow, me climb tree, now i see, he kiss she, she kiss he, he strip, she strip, he play with she, she play with he, i play with me, i fall out tree, i no see, no fee, weelly solly, Chen Li
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on Oct 23, 2009 11:02:13 GMT -1
An Aussie refuse collector is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his dustcart.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back of the house, but still can't see it.
So, against the rules but in the spirit of kindness, he knocks on the door. There's no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually a Chinese bloke comes to the door. 'Harro!' says the Chinese chappie.
'Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?' asks the collector
'I bin on toiret' explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realizing the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. 'No mate, where's your dust bin?'.
'I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man - still perplexed. 'Listen,' says the collector. 'You're misunderstanding me. Where's your wheelie bin?'
'Ok. Ok ' replies the man with a sheepish grin. ' I wheelie bin havin a w**k .......
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Post by Golden_Boy™ on Oct 28, 2009 15:27:58 GMT -1
Knock knock - who's there? - interrupting cow - interrup..... - MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on Oct 29, 2009 12:13:35 GMT -1
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to finish the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is!”
My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on Oct 29, 2009 12:13:52 GMT -1
Q: Why are condoms transparent? A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on Oct 29, 2009 12:14:14 GMT -1
Signboard outside a prostitute's house: Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on Oct 29, 2009 12:14:32 GMT -1
New AIDS awareness slogan: Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women..
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