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Post by derbiean on May 4, 2009 14:35:11 GMT -1
The Three Kick Rule
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural South Eastern Oklahoma close to the Choctaw Nation.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a Choctaw's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly Choctaw drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old Choctaw replied, "This is our property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.The old Choctaw smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in the Choctaw Nation. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"The Choctaw replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on our land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old Choctaw slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the Choctaw's third kick to his end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, old man, now it's my turn." The old Choctaw smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck" and walked away.
;D
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Post by Teesside White on May 12, 2009 10:52:16 GMT -1
Got a new sat-nav the other day, to try it out i typed in 'Chelsea' and it told me '2 minutes from Rome'
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on May 14, 2009 11:12:50 GMT -1
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on May 14, 2009 11:13:15 GMT -1
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on May 14, 2009 11:14:22 GMT -1
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on May 14, 2009 11:15:19 GMT -1
When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids. Took her out with one punch.
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on May 14, 2009 11:15:53 GMT -1
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on May 14, 2009 11:16:28 GMT -1
Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on May 14, 2009 11:16:50 GMT -1
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on May 14, 2009 11:17:14 GMT -1
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on May 14, 2009 13:14:50 GMT -1
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?" ;D ;D...........oldie but goldie
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Post by DTR on May 20, 2009 11:08:27 GMT -1
A Somalian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the UK .
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........
'Thank you Mr. British for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Morrocan !'
The man goes on and encounters another passerby.. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK !'
The person says, 'I not British, I am Polish !'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Britain!'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from India , I am not from Britain !'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a British?'
She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the British?'
The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work' ;D ;D
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on May 22, 2009 11:22:19 GMT -1
How do you make Lady GaGa angry? Poker face Ok, I'll get my coat
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Post by El Morto La Hoja! on May 22, 2009 11:27:07 GMT -1
How do you make Lady GaGa angry? Poker face Ok, I'll get my coat with her snoze you'd think she'd not sing a song to do with a poker face...
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on May 22, 2009 11:46:30 GMT -1
The Teacher calls little Johnny to her desk and said "The essay you wrote about your pet dog is word for word the same as your brothers, what do you have to say for yourself" ? "Of course it is" ! said little Johnny "It's the same fucking dog" !
;D
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on Jun 5, 2009 10:55:19 GMT -1
Murder at Morrison's !!!!!
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance
policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single £1 coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the coin as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Morrison's store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........
The Manager of the Produce Department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the Produce Manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the
hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared .. (You're going to hate me for this . )
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT MORRISON'S !'
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gt
Non League Player (someone crap, like Boston)
Posts: 51
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Post by gt on Jun 5, 2009 10:59:45 GMT -1
I think a little bit of me just died inside ;D
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on Jun 5, 2009 11:02:56 GMT -1
Dave the hen
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave , 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'
The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter ..'
Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I hav en't said goodby e to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away.'
St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.
'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'
'It's not so bad', replies Dave , 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'
'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'
'Never', replies Dave ..
'Well just relax and let it happen'.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
' Dave , wake up, you drunken b**tard. You've sh*t the bed !!'
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on Jun 12, 2009 11:04:22 GMT -1
A young man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, 'I want to be a movie star.' Tall, handsome and, with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. > > > The agent asked, 'What's your name?' The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.' > The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name.' > > 'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old. I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.' > > The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years. You will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name, or I will not be able to represent you.' > > 'So be it! I guess we will not do business together,' the guy said, and > he left the agent's office. > > Five years later the agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck. Who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed. > > Dear Sir, > > Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in > Hollywood .. You told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make > it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never > > make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left > your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I > had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so > I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing > my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. > > Thank you for your advice. > > Sincerely, > > Dick van Dyke
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Post by DTR on Jun 12, 2009 13:06:05 GMT -1
What have Women and Clouds got in common?
when they fuck off somehow the day gets better!!!!
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