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Post by Bones on Mar 19, 2009 13:50:54 GMT -1
I was setting up a new e-mail account before and it asked me to type in my new password. I childishly typed in 'penis'. It rejected it, saying 'password not long enough'.
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Post by CHOPPER READ on Mar 25, 2009 9:55:33 GMT -1
My new girlfriend asked me to make love to her like they do in the movies.
So i banged her in the ass before offloading in her mouth.
Judging by her reaction she obviously doesn't watch the same movies i do.
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Post by CHOPPER READ on Mar 25, 2009 9:57:09 GMT -1
I have been in a relationship for 3 years now and have started experiencing erection problems.
My girlfriend and i have different ideas about what the problem is.
She bought me some Viagra,i bought the fat cow a treadmill.
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Post by CHOPPER READ on Mar 25, 2009 9:58:11 GMT -1
Pulled a bird the other night,she said "Kiss my somewhere really dirty and smelly"
I replied "I aint going to Nottingham at this time of night"!
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Post by Golden_Boy™ on Mar 27, 2009 15:33:02 GMT -1
Went to the doctor and he told me I had alzheimers.
But hey, at least I dont have alzheimers.
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Post by Golden_Boy™ on Mar 27, 2009 15:37:08 GMT -1
I was going to add a joke I made up about margarine, but I'm afraid people might spread it.
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Post by Golden_Boy™ on Mar 27, 2009 15:38:43 GMT -1
I went to the doctors the other day with chest pains, he told me to stop masturbating, i asked why and he said:
Because I'm trying to examine you sir.
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Post by CHOPPER READ on Apr 1, 2009 10:14:13 GMT -1
Three large black ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip for the very first time.
The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'all , but I'm gunna put me on sum hot pink panties beefo' I get on dat plane.'
'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked
The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'
The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floe esant orange panties.'
'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.
The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'
The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties........
'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.
The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearing any panties cos, honey, dey always look for da Black Box first'
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Post by CHOPPER READ on Apr 1, 2009 10:29:41 GMT -1
A girl asks her > boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her > parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her > boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the > first time. > The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip > to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his > first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the > boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the > pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, > 10-pack, or family pack. > The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather > busy, it being his first time and all. > That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his > girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, > come on in!' > The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's > parents are seated. > The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and > the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. > 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.Finally, after 20 > minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the > boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' > > The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a > pharmacist.'
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on Apr 2, 2009 12:27:46 GMT -1
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's enjoying it, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, he somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy. "He eats everything in sight. Sorry. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his bum, pulled it out, and ate it!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."
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Post by CHOPPER READ on Apr 3, 2009 8:23:28 GMT -1
Rolf Harris has done all the artwork for Michael Jacksons gigs at the O2 Arena.
As a thank you,Jacko will be doing 'Two Little Boys' at the end of each show.
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Post by CHOPPER READ on Apr 3, 2009 8:26:15 GMT -1
So there i was,lube on my cock,T-Rex puppet on one hand,Triceratops puppet on the other hand and a box of tissues by my side.
I put the DVD on and waited for the start.
How stupid i felt when i realised i was watching WALKING With Dinosaurs.
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gt
Non League Player (someone crap, like Boston)
Posts: 51
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Post by gt on Apr 3, 2009 8:29:14 GMT -1
Chopping carrots with the Grim Reaper? Dicing with death if you ask me.
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Post by CHOPPER READ on Apr 3, 2009 8:29:49 GMT -1
BREAKING NEWS
Man City have sold Shaun Wright-Phillips
To Madonna!
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Post by CHOPPER READ on Apr 3, 2009 8:32:02 GMT -1
Saw my mate earlier,he only has one arm.
I said "Where you off to fella?"
He said "Going to change a light bulb"
I said "Won't it be a bit difficult?"
He said "No,i still have the receipt"
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on Apr 7, 2009 10:58:41 GMT -1
successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great You should go into town and kick up your heels.'
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my stockings.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
I didn't see it coming, either!
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gt
Non League Player (someone crap, like Boston)
Posts: 51
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Post by gt on Apr 7, 2009 11:11:25 GMT -1
I cut the bottom off my trousers, sewed them so they were a little higher on the leg and posted them to my local library.
That was a turn up for the books.
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Post by Billy on Apr 15, 2009 15:36:01 GMT -1
My new girlfriend asked me to make love to her like they do in the movies. So i banged her in the ass before offloading in her mouth. Judging by her reaction she obviously doesn't watch the same movies i do. LOL!!! ;D
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Post by Billy on Apr 15, 2009 15:38:14 GMT -1
BREAKING NEWS Man City have sold Shaun Wright-Phillips To Madonna! PMSL!! ;D
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Post by Bones on Apr 22, 2009 16:41:39 GMT -1
Whats the difference between Alan Shearer and Newcastle United?
Alan Shearer will be on Match of the Day next season.
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