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Post by Womble 50 on Nov 3, 2007 9:34:57 GMT -1
A Boggies fan in a brothel in amsterdam asked for a lady with big thighs, saggy tits, a wobbly arse & a saggy fanny
"Feeling Kinky" said the madam
"N0" said the boggies fan
"I'm homesick"
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Post by BW on Nov 3, 2007 9:38:56 GMT -1
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Post by Womble 50 on Nov 3, 2007 9:39:49 GMT -1
A bloke holds a Theme Party where each guest has to come as an emotion. 1st guest arrives painted green with an N & a V across his chest "I'm green with envy " he told the host woman then arrives wearing a pink body stocking with feathers round her naughty bits "I'm tickled pink" she said
2 irishmen then walk in, 1 with his nob in a bowl of custard the 2nd with a pear over his member
The host is shocked & asks what they have come as
"I'm fucking discustard & Mick here has cum in dispear" said paddy
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Post by Womble 50 on Nov 3, 2007 9:41:18 GMT -1
I never knew pog had it in him
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Post by That Bloke on Nov 16, 2007 10:21:24 GMT -1
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. 'Nurse', he mumbles from behind the mask, 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b ac k?
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Post by Beerwulf on Nov 16, 2007 11:53:41 GMT -1
A bloke holds a Theme Party where each guest has to come as an emotion. 1st guest arrives painted green with an N & a V across his chest "I'm green with envy " he told the host woman then arrives wearing a pink body stocking with feathers round her naughty bits "I'm tickled pink" she said 2 irishmen then walk in, 1 with his nob in a bowl of custard the 2nd with a pear over his member The host is shocked & asks what they have come as "I'm fucking discustard & Mick here has cum in dispear" said paddy At the same party a naked man giving a naked young lady a piggyback is stopped at the door: "What have you come as?" " A tortoise; and this is Michelle"
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Post by Pete the Wolf on Nov 21, 2007 9:39:32 GMT -1
Several of the Wolves players are in the changing room after a hard training session. A cell phone on a bench rings and Breen engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen:
GB: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
GB: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the Wulfrun now and found this beautiful leather coat that this guy is selling out of his car. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
GB: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
GB: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£165,000."
GB: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market down Bilston. They're asking £950,000."
GB: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer £900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
GB: "Bye, I love you, too."
Breen hangs up. The other players in the changing room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
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Post by BW on Dec 3, 2007 19:12:30 GMT -1
Paddy is in a disco.
He ask's a girl, "How about a fuck?"
She replies, "I'm on my menstrual cycle"
"Great" says Paddy, "I'm on my scooter I'll follow you home"
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Post by BW on Dec 3, 2007 19:18:31 GMT -1
2 blokes discussing what they bought their wife's for christmas.
1st guy say's, "I bought mine a diamond necklace and a gold necklace so that she can take one back if she doesn't like it"
2nd guy say's "I bought mine a pair of slippers and a dildo and if she don't like the slippers she can go and fuck herself"
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Post by BW on Dec 3, 2007 19:32:46 GMT -1
Harley Davidson died and went to heaven and was boasting to God how he created the best motor bike in the world!!
God disagreed saying that BMW's were a better designed bike!
Harley said, "What the hell do you know about design. You created woman and look at the problems we have with them!!"
"Ahem," says God, "I think a lot more men are riding my creation than your"
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Post by BW on Dec 3, 2007 19:37:19 GMT -1
Following her recent outburst on breakfast TV a psychologist has said that Heather McCartney is unbalanced.
Sir Paul said, " A couple of beer mats under her left leg normally sorts the bitch out"
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Post by Womble 50 on Dec 7, 2007 12:01:56 GMT -1
I bought a teddy bear last week for a tenner & named it Mohammed Yesterday I sold it for 20 quid
Question is, Have I made a Prophet ?
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Post by BW on Dec 9, 2007 20:45:41 GMT -1
Scientists in America have used DNA from Michael Jackson and Arnold Schwarzenneger to create a clone. They have called it Michael Wasanigger
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Post by That Bloke on Dec 20, 2007 13:53:34 GMT -1
Husband walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I'll not put it on, do the modelling naked and return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund for myself".
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good grief! It wasn't that creased in the shop".
His funeral is this Monday.
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Post by Womble 50 on Dec 20, 2007 16:25:44 GMT -1
******************************** Racist Alert ********************************
Teacher asked the class during a history lesson what Winston Churchill was famous for
Little kid at the back shouted out "He was the last white bloke called Winston"
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Post by mortontheblade on Dec 20, 2007 18:25:38 GMT -1
Scientists in America have used DNA from Michael Jackson and Arnold Schwarzenneger to create a clone. They have called it Michael Wasanigger LOL!! ;D so un-pc
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Post by Womble 50 on Dec 21, 2007 9:34:11 GMT -1
Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls 50 feet to the ground below and he is killed instantly. After the coroner leaves with Steve''s body, Bob volunteers to inform Steve''s wife of the terrible news. Some two hours later, Bob returns to the work site with a six-pack of beer under his arms.
"where did you get the six-pack from Bob?"
"Steve''s wife gave it to me!"
"What! You just told her that Steve died and she gave you a six-pack?"
"Well, before I broke the news to her, I asked her if she was Steve''s widow. And, she said she wasn''t, so I said I''d bet her a six-pack she was!"
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Post by Womble 50 on Jan 2, 2008 13:24:47 GMT -1
A king wanted to improve the mood of his favorite donkey, who was depressed, so he put out a proclamation that he would pay anyone in the kingdom 200 gold pieces if they could make his donkey happy. Many tried, all failed. Then a jester went in to see the donkey, and when he came out, the donkey was indeed happy - so happy in fact, that he was laughing heartily. The jester got the gold, but a few days passed and the king couldn''t make the donkey stop laughing. So he put out another proclamation saying he would pay 500 gold pieces to anyone who could make the donkey stop.
The jester returned, went in to see the donkey for a few seconds, and when he came out, the donkey was crying. The king asked the jester how he did it. The jester said, "I will tell you for another 200 gold pieces."
When the jester had received his gold, he revealed, "On my first visit, I told the donkey that my dick was bigger than his. This time I showed him."
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Post by LondonWolf on Jan 2, 2008 13:38:38 GMT -1
Joey barton is signing for wandsworth fc after a short trial...
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Post by Pete the Wolf on Jan 2, 2008 21:25:17 GMT -1
A guy is in a queue at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and, although familiar, he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry, do you know me?"
She replies " I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children".
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful.
"Christ" he says. "Are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my a*se?
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher."
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