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Post by JimboTheRam on Jul 12, 2007 17:22:18 GMT -1
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Post by That Bloke on Jul 25, 2007 10:06:12 GMT -1
One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!" "Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery,"
Mike replies. "There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy.
Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid..... A lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Tesco Club card points as well".So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in Two weeks".That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack Began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat,and masturb%ted into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer printed the following:
i) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
ii) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet
iii) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
iv) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
v) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
vi) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better........
Thank you for shopping at Tesco.
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Post by That Bloke on Jul 25, 2007 10:08:19 GMT -1
Jim and Karen were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Karen promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Karen's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Karen the news she said, "Karen, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Karen replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
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Post by southdownswolf on Jul 25, 2007 22:06:02 GMT -1
sick, but very funny TB
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Post by That Bloke on Jul 31, 2007 8:13:22 GMT -1
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. She finally died after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said," Lord, they're finally together." One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, " Do you think he Means her first, second or third husband? " The friend replied, " I think he means her legs."
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Post by BW on Jul 31, 2007 8:33:56 GMT -1
Paddy was messing about with a woman in his car.
The woman said, 'Kiss me where its wet'.
So Paddy started the car and drove her to Gloucester!!
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Post by BW on Jul 31, 2007 8:40:53 GMT -1
Bin Laden sends George Bush a coded message to let him know he's still alive and kicking,
370HSSV 0773H
Bush is baffled, Condi Rice and her aides and even the FBI CIA and NASA can't decript it so they ask the IRA for help.
Within a minute the IRA replies, 'tell the President he's holding the message upside down'.
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Post by That Bloke on Aug 1, 2007 12:46:32 GMT -1
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in a really big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf". So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!" .
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth and show him Honey".
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Post by BW on Aug 7, 2007 20:28:56 GMT -1
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed one night when the next door neighbours dog is barking in the garden.
Paddy say's ' Fuck this' and he storms off downstairs.
5 minutes later he returns and his wife ask's, 'What did you do??
Paddy say's, I've put the fucker in our garden now - Lets see how they like it!!'
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Post by BW on Aug 7, 2007 20:31:57 GMT -1
Two dyslexics in a house,
One say's, 'can you smell gas'??
The other one say's, 'Fuck off, I can't even smell my own name!!'
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Post by Pete the Wolf on Aug 13, 2007 21:03:31 GMT -1
Leon Clarke to score 5 goals on Sunday and Wolves fans to greet him as a hero when his name's announced over the tannoy.
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Post by Pete the Wolf on Aug 13, 2007 21:18:21 GMT -1
Wasn't sure where to put this pic, so decided on here. Spot the balls-up!
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Post by Pete the Wolf on Aug 13, 2007 21:33:20 GMT -1
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the living shit out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
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Post by Pete the Wolf on Aug 13, 2007 21:36:06 GMT -1
The salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for room and board for the night. The farmer told him there was no vacant room. "I could let you sleep with my daughter," the farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her."
The salesman agreed. After a hearty supper, he was led to the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into bed, and felt the farmer's daughter at his side.
The next morning he asked for his bill.
"It'll be just £10, since you had to share the bed," the farmer said.
"Your daughter was very cold," the salesman said.
"Yes, I know," said the farmer. "We're going to bury her today."
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Post by ITFC Dudette6 on Aug 13, 2007 21:41:04 GMT -1
Wasn't sure where to put this pic, so decided on here. Spot the balls-up! I just can't see it Pete
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Post by BW on Aug 17, 2007 22:04:40 GMT -1
Two tampax walking down the street - How do you know which one will speak to you??
Neither because their both stuck up c*nts.
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Post by poppy on Aug 18, 2007 11:23:39 GMT -1
a man comes home from work, walks into the bedroom and finds a man having sex with his wife.he asks what the hell are you doing? his wife turns to the man and says see i told you he was stupid
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Post by poppy on Aug 18, 2007 11:28:13 GMT -1
how do women get rid of unwanted pubic hair? they spit them out.
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Post by BW on Aug 23, 2007 7:35:58 GMT -1
Steve McClaren will get England to euro 2008
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Post by Jodie. on Aug 23, 2007 12:56:53 GMT -1
Wasn't sure where to put this pic, so decided on here. Spot the balls-up! Haha I looked at that the day you posted it and I didnt get it .. Haha how insulting !
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