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Post by Roaster©®™ on Jun 6, 2006 18:59:09 GMT -1
President Bush and Tony Blair are sitting in a bar across from the White House.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Tony Whathisname over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WWIII."
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 20 million Iranians and a blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?" "Why kill a blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to Blair and says, "See, I told you no one would give a fuck about the Iranians!"
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Jun 13, 2006 19:57:29 GMT -1
A very ugly woman walks into ASDA with her two kids. The ASDA store front greeter asks, "Are they twins?" The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?"
"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you've been shagged twice."
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leicesterlass
Trainee
Retired. Catch me on facebook/e-mail on my profile if you wish.
Posts: 8
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Post by leicesterlass on Jun 20, 2006 14:37:54 GMT -1
In a recent interview regarding his divorce proceedings and future plans Paul McCartney was asked if he would consider going down on one knee again in the future, he replied, "I'd prefer it if you called her Heather".
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Post by redwhine on Jul 14, 2006 1:20:48 GMT -1
Q. How do you know that E.T.'s a wednesday fan? A. He looks like one.
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Post by peter2dc on Aug 5, 2006 19:47:01 GMT -1
sick sick sick.....but funny as fuck
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Post by Lollipop on Sept 15, 2006 21:59:42 GMT -1
My friend just told me this....
A Swanky upmarket club in the West End has advertised for a new resident Piano Player. The owner has spent a day interviewing very average Pianists and has reached the last applicant. The potential employee is quizzed by the Club owner, and is then ask to demonstrate what he can do on the Club's Piano...
The Pianist goes over and sits on the Piano stool and proceeds to play the most soulful, beautiful song the Club owner has ever heard, it reverberates around the place and sends shivers down his spine. When the guy finishes the owner says, 'That was amazing, the most beautiful playing ive ever heard, but i don't recognise the song..?' ... 'Oh it's one of my own compositions', says the Pianist. The club owner is further impressed, 'wow' he says, 'what do you call it'? The musician pauses and says 'I call this piece - 'I Fucked The Dog Whilst The Cat Licked My Balls'. The Club Owner is obviously shocked by this, however he has never heard such a talented musician, so he says to the guy 'well that won't do, but why don't you show me what else you can do'......
The Pianist turns back to the Piano and effortlessy plays out a funky blues number that has the Owner tapping his toes from the outset to the finish. 'Wow!' he says 'that was even better than the first, what do you call that one'? The Pianist, quick as a flash replies 'I Lick Your Sister's Used Tampons'... The owner is in a situation, he has to have the pianist on staff, but his song titles are slightly risque. So he strikes a deal, 'Ok, you're hired, on the one condition that you absolutely do not tell anyone the names of your songs'.
That night the Pianist plays his debut set. It goes amazingly well and the crowd is getting into every one of his songs, throwing requests left right and centre. After a couple of hours he asks the crowd if they'll excuse him while he uses the bathroom... Whens He's finished he forgets to do his zipper up, and everything is 'on show'. As he strolls back onto the stage someone in the audience shouts out 'Hey do you know Your flies are open and your dick's hanging out'?
'Know It'? Replies the Pianist, 'I Wrote It!'
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Sept 30, 2006 9:14:51 GMT -1
A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues. "Johnny!" she screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something."
He stops and eventually mum leaves for a short trip to the shops. Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet. Mum comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge.
A diarrhoea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. Diarrhoea everywhere and she's somewhat disturbed about what the big brown thing is in the toilet!
She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assure her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and BANG! The balloon explodes and diarrhoea is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart!"
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Sept 30, 2006 9:31:12 GMT -1
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.
The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
"First, you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next, you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in you mouth, and finally, you drink the lime juice." So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue - salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK? Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it ....
In one second the sharp lime taste hits .... At two seconds the Baileys curdles .... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.
This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, Jesus, what do you call that drink?"
She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job"
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Post by urrzzzzzzzzzz on Oct 8, 2006 21:08:11 GMT -1
What did the leper say to the prostitute? You can keep the tip. Brilliant!
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Post by urrzzzzzzzzzz on Oct 9, 2006 20:54:03 GMT -1
What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown suit.
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Post by mattylufc on Oct 18, 2006 13:03:54 GMT -1
Two gays are having their bumfun in the living room one day when the phone rings. The gay giving it says to the other gay "Listen, ill go answer the phone, come back here and we can carry on. Dont do anything to yourself i want to be the one thats done everything to you today. Ill only be 2 mins" So Gay 2 agrees to this and Gay 1 goes to the phone and returns 2 mins later to find the room covered in man milk. Angered by this Gay 1 says "What have you done, i thought we agreed you wouldn't touch yourself, you've spoiled it for the both of us now!" To which gay 2 replies "But i didnt do anything, i just farted"
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Post by Pete the Wolf on Oct 25, 2006 17:03:38 GMT -1
A seal walked into a club.
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Nov 3, 2006 22:24:09 GMT -1
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic ask Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Ricky was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Ricky began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded,
"Lil' sod shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place ......... smack his ass again!" ;D
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Nov 3, 2006 22:29:44 GMT -1
What does a pizza delivery guy have in common with a Gynecologist?
He can smell it but can't eat it.
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Nov 3, 2006 22:44:44 GMT -1
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the living shit out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
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Post by peter2dc on Nov 6, 2006 23:48:25 GMT -1
difference between road kill and a man u fan?
skid marks before the road kill
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Post by peter2dc on Nov 6, 2006 23:49:31 GMT -1
wots black and filled with cobwebs?
an ethiopians arsehole
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Post by peter2dc on Nov 6, 2006 23:50:53 GMT -1
huge disaster in ethiopia...atomic bomb went off....3,000,000 die in the preceding fireball and blast 69,000,000 died trying to eat the mushroom!
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Post by peter2dc on Nov 6, 2006 23:54:35 GMT -1
"daddy can i go put" asks daughter "no, fuck off" "please...Ill do anything" she pleads... "OK" says dad, "suck my dick" "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew" she shrieks. "but ok...i really wanna go out!" She bends down, pulls out the wiener and..."eeeeeeew, theres shit on it!" "Well?...Your brother wanted to go out too!!!!"
do they get any sicker???
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Post by peter2dc on Nov 6, 2006 23:55:23 GMT -1
what a fish with no eye?
fssssssssssssssssssssh
(sorry had to make up for the sick one earliar!)
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