|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 8, 2006 21:51:46 GMT -1
A 3 year old boy was taking a bath, He started playing with his private parts and said to his mother, "Mummy? Are these my brains?" His mother replied "No honey, not yet."
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 8, 2006 22:17:35 GMT -1
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer that was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 9, 2006 17:07:27 GMT -1
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 16, 2006 12:01:24 GMT -1
An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says "We’ll take care of it, ma’am" and yells back ‘"Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 17, 2006 20:56:13 GMT -1
After reviewing a complicated divorce case, the Judge looks to the husband and says, "Based upon the facts before me, I've decided to give your wife £750 per month."
The husband smiles and says, "That's great. Fuck, I'll even throw in a few bucks myself."
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 21, 2006 19:25:34 GMT -1
Good, Bad and Ugly
1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy 5 years ago.
2. Good: Your wife is not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She is a Lawyer.
3. Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.
4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them.
5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. Bad: You can't find your birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
6. Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you.
7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.
8. Good: The postman's early. Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a gun. Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
9. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He's your best friend.
10. Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 23, 2006 22:34:49 GMT -1
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' "
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur."
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 25, 2006 17:49:22 GMT -1
Automobile Acronyms
AUDI Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
BMW Bought My Wife
BUICK Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
CHEVROLET Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
DODGE Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FIAT Fix It All the Time
FORD Fast Only Rolling Downhill
GM General Maintenance
GMC Gotta Mechanic Coming?
HONDA Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
MAZDA Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
SAAB Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
TOYOTA Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW Virtually Worthless
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 25, 2006 18:06:37 GMT -1
A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."
|
|
|
Post by MRMILLWALL on Mar 25, 2006 18:40:55 GMT -1
An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says "We’ll take care of it, ma’am" and yells back ‘"Ed, switch the heads on two and four!" Class ;D
|
|
|
Post by MRMILLWALL on Mar 25, 2006 18:41:23 GMT -1
Parts of Liverpool were closed down yesterday after a suspicious device was found on a car. Police later identified it as a tax disc.
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 27, 2006 10:48:46 GMT -1
;D - that made me chuckle!
|
|
|
Post by Hazza on Mar 27, 2006 22:10:18 GMT -1
What's similar between brussel sprouts and pubic hair?
You push them both to one side and carry on eating.
|
|
leicesterlass
Trainee
Retired. Catch me on facebook/e-mail on my profile if you wish.
Posts: 8
|
Post by leicesterlass on Mar 28, 2006 8:15:43 GMT -1
2 men have been having sex and one said 'I'm off to the shop now, don't have a wank when I'm out!' When he comes back there's spunk everywhere, 'I thought you said you wouldn't have a wank?' 'I didn't' the other man replied, 'I farted'
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 28, 2006 8:52:51 GMT -1
;D
Fucking gross - but funny!
|
|
leicesterlass
Trainee
Retired. Catch me on facebook/e-mail on my profile if you wish.
Posts: 8
|
Post by leicesterlass on Mar 28, 2006 10:57:34 GMT -1
a woman is pregnant with triplets. 2 girls and 1 boy. She gets shot 3 times and their is a bullet in each baby. The doctor says not to worry because the babies will simply pee out the bullets when they grow up. years later, 1 girl says "mommy mommy, i peed out a bullet today" the mom tells her what happened and says "dont tell your sister n brother...i wouldnt want them to worry" A week later, the other girl says "mommy mommy, i peed out a bullet today" the mom explains the story and says "dont tell your brother, i wouldnt want him to worry" A week later, the boy says "mommy mommy,"...the mom says "i know i know, you peed out a bullet today." He says "no...i was having a wank and i shot the dog!"
|
|
leicesterlass
Trainee
Retired. Catch me on facebook/e-mail on my profile if you wish.
Posts: 8
|
Post by leicesterlass on Mar 28, 2006 10:59:46 GMT -1
A preist is hearing confessions one afternoon when he needs a pee. He gets a janitor to take his place but the janitor resists saying he doesn't know what to do. The priest says theres a chart on the wall for most things. The janitor sits down and a man walks in "Forgive me father. I have had anal sex with another man." The janitor is shocked and keeps looking over the chart for anal sex. He starts to get worried opens the door and stops a choirboy walking past. "What does the father give for anal sex?" asked the janitor.
"Well," said the choirboy, "he normally gives me a chocolate bar and a t-shirt."
|
|
|
Post by thales on Mar 29, 2006 7:49:40 GMT -1
THE WORLD'S SHORTEST & HAPPIEST FAIRY TALE
*Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
*The girl said, "NO!"
*And the guy lived happily ever after and played football, Xbox and
golf a lot and drank beer and had shitloads of money and farted whenever he
wanted.
THE END
|
|
|
Post by thales on Mar 29, 2006 7:52:21 GMT -1
Quotes from Leaving Cert Essays:
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, kinda' like, sorta, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Ballina at 6:36 pm travelling at 55 mph, the other from Claremorris 4:19pm at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for while.
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 50 cent-a-pint night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame.Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from the "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" ad.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
It came down the stairs looking very much like something no-one had ever seen before.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.
It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.
She was as easy as the Independent crossword.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 29, 2006 11:46:39 GMT -1
"It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall."
"Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master."
Although all good I thought the last two were brilliant ;D
|
|