|
Post by thales on Mar 29, 2006 12:13:46 GMT -1
"It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall." "Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master." Although all good I thought the last two were brilliant ;D seemingly all used in school finals, a-level equivalent
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 30, 2006 18:12:48 GMT -1
Education standards today Eoin! Leave a lot to be desired! ;D
|
|
|
Post by MRMILLWALL on Apr 4, 2006 14:27:25 GMT -1
Clubbers in the north of England have recently taken to injecting ecstasy directly into their mouths using dental syringes. This practice is extremely dangerous and should be avoided at all costs.
A police spokesperson said: "If you are approached by a Northerner offering you 'E by gum' , you should report them immediately."
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Apr 6, 2006 11:03:25 GMT -1
She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. He walks in.
She says, "You've got to make love to me -- this very moment."
He thinks, 'This is my lucky day,' and gives it his all on the kitchen table.
He says afterwards, "What was that all about?"
She says, "The egg timer's broken."
|
|
|
Post by MRMILLWALL on Apr 6, 2006 13:56:55 GMT -1
Woman in hospital (recovering from a Twat Tuck / Designer Vagina type operation), receives 3 bouquets of flowers, The first is from her husband wishing her a speedy recovery.
The second is from the surgeon saying well done.
The third is from John on the burns unit saying thank you for his new ears.
|
|
|
Post by MRMILLWALL on Apr 6, 2006 14:09:16 GMT -1
A married couple having their first baby were invited to make use of a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pains to the Baby's father. Both were happy to try it. The pain transfer was set to 10 percent but the husband felt nothing so the doctor increased it to 20 percent. The father said he still felt fine and his blood pressure was normal. He invited the doctor to kick it up to 50 percent. Still no reaction.
The doctor was amazed and slowly transferred all the pain until the wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband and the doctor were ecstatic. When they got home, the Postman was lying dead at the gate!!!!!.
|
|
|
Post by MRMILLWALL on Apr 6, 2006 14:12:22 GMT -1
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. >> > They undress and step >> > into the showers before they realize there is no >> > soap. Father John says he has >> > soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering >> > to dress. >> > >> > He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and >> > heads back to the showers. >> > He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns >> > heading his way. Having no >> > place to hide, he stands against the wall and >> > freezes like he's a statue. >> > >> > The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. >> > The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his >> > manhood. >> > Startled, he drops a bar of soap. >> > >> > "Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap >> > dispenser". To test her theory >> > the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure >> > enough, he drops the second bar >> > of soap. >> > >> > Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls >> > once, then twice and three >> > times but nothing happens. >> > >> > So she gives several more tugs, then yells! >> > >> > "Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand lotion too!"
|
|
|
Post by MRMILLWALL on Apr 6, 2006 14:16:59 GMT -1
There was this guy named peter that went to heaven. He looked around and saw millions of clocks, some were slow and some were fast. He went to God to ask a question. ''What's the deal with all these clocks?'' Peter asked. ''Well,'' said God, ''these clocks tell how much a person masturbates.'' ''Well, where's my clock?'' asked peter. ''It's in the office,'' replied God. ''We use it as a fan.''
|
|
|
Post by MRMILLWALL on Apr 6, 2006 14:17:58 GMT -1
A kid came home from school and asked his dad, ''Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?'' ''Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose.'' ''Wow, what does it look like after sex?'' ''Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?''
|
|
|
Post by thales on Apr 7, 2006 7:18:56 GMT -1
Irish Sayings
I'm as sick as a small hospital
I'm so hungry I'd eat a small child
She had a face on her like a well slapped arse
You're as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit
My mouth's as dry as a nun's crack
He has rubber-lined pockets so he can steal soup
He thinks manual labour is a Spanish musician
As funny as a burning orphanage
He's so camp, he sh1ts tent pegs
I'm as sick as a plane to Lourdes
I feel like a boiled sh1te (hungover)
(when leaving) I'm off like a debs dress
She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn
As busy as the dalkey dole office
Sweatin' like a paedophile in a Barney suit
As tight as a nun's knickers
I'm so horny I'd get up on the crack of dawn
I'd crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the exhaust of the van that took her dirty knickers to the laundry.
Up and down like a hoor's knickers
No show pony but would do for a ride around the house
Did your mother find out who your father is yet?
What would ye expect from a pig but a grunt?
I left her with a face like a painters radio
A mickey the size of a double-value can of Right Guard
Jaysus, she could breastfeed a crèche
As fit as a butcher's dog
She's got more chins than a Chinese phone book
Not even the tide would take her out
Mother Teresa wouldn't kiss her
Daz wouldn't shift her
Des Kelly wouldn't lay her
A sniper wouldn't take her out
Jaysus, ya wouldn't ride her into battle
If I'd a bag of bruised willies I wouldn't give her one
She has a face on her like a bulldog that's just licked piss off a nettle
She wouldn't get a kick in a stampede
She had a f@nny like a badly packed kebab
If I'd a garden full of mickeys I wouldn't let her look over the wall
Give her a boot in the arse and a bucket of mickeys would fall out of her
|
|
|
Post by thales on Apr 7, 2006 7:26:43 GMT -1
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Apr 7, 2006 12:49:33 GMT -1
A man went to a zoo but all it had was a dog.
It was a Shitzu.
|
|
|
Post by MRMILLWALL on Apr 14, 2006 23:14:24 GMT -1
A young fireman placed a ladder against the bedroom window of a burning house and rushed up. Inside was a curvy brunette in a see- through nightie. "Aha," said he, "you're the second pregnant girl I've rescued this year!" "But I'm not pregnant," the brunette indignantly exclaimed. "You're not rescued yet either."
|
|
|
Post by MRMILLWALL on Apr 14, 2006 23:15:29 GMT -1
Hung Chow calls work and says, ''Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work.'' The boss says, ''You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that.'' Two hours later Hung Chow calls again, ''Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.''
|
|
|
Post by MRMILLWALL on Apr 14, 2006 23:23:07 GMT -1
Employee: "I'm sorry but I can't come in today. My doctor says I suffer from Anal Glaucoma." Boss: "Anal Glaucoma? What's that?" Employee: "I just can't see my ass coming to work!"
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Apr 14, 2006 23:23:30 GMT -1
Quality ;D
|
|
|
Post by MRMILLWALL on Apr 14, 2006 23:25:39 GMT -1
Dear ............................................ .................................................................................................. ........ ........... ... .............................. ............... ......................
.............. ................................. ......................................... ........................................... ................................. ............ .............................. ................. .......................... ............ ............................ ................. ......................... love David blunkett
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Apr 14, 2006 23:27:05 GMT -1
And that one should be on The Sick Jokes thread. Can see why TB never accepted the letter of resignation
|
|
|
Post by MRMILLWALL on Apr 14, 2006 23:30:39 GMT -1
And that one should be on The Sick Jokes thread. Can see why TB never accepted the letter of resignation Yes fella could have went in either really.
|
|
|
Post by MRMILLWALL on Apr 14, 2006 23:32:09 GMT -1
Drunk vs. The Nun There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.
As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.
Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt.
Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move. So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. "Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"
|
|