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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Feb 8, 2009 19:57:47 GMT -1
What a result. I got a new Rolex for my birthday from the lesbian girls next door
I think they may have mis-understood me when i said last week that "i wanna watch" ;D
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Post by Bones on Feb 9, 2009 21:02:01 GMT -1
An ex-girlfriend from a few years ago rang me the other day, and after some catching up she started talking about the good times we had together, and then she started hinting at meeting up and revisiting our past and the amazing sex we used to have. I told her i wasn't the man she remembered, I've developed a bit of a bald patch since we were together. She said 'Don't worry, i find bald men quite cute'. So I told her i've also grown a bit of a spare tyre around the waist over the last few years. She giggled girlishly and said 'Don't worry about that, to be honest I've gained a couple of pounds myself since we were last together'. So I told her to fuck off.
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Post by Lollipop on Feb 12, 2009 0:26:41 GMT -1
Everyone at my work has gone on strike apart from me.
When I walked in this morning, I heard one of my co-workers shouting, "Scab, scab!"
I told him what my dad always told me: "Don't picket, you'll make it worse"
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Feb 12, 2009 10:20:57 GMT -1
Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent."
"Thank God," says an elderly nun in the back. "I’m so tired of Chardonnay."
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Post by Bones on Feb 12, 2009 18:22:19 GMT -1
One day, a long time ago, there was a woman who did not nag, whine, or bitch, and always did what her man told her to do.
But like I said, it was one woman, one day, and it was a fucking long time ago.
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Feb 12, 2009 18:32:13 GMT -1
I went to a police station and said, "What are those pictures on the wall then?"
The Chief Inspector said, "Those are pictures of wanted criminals."
I looked at him and said, "Why the fuck didn't you arrest them when you took their photos?"
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Feb 13, 2009 8:45:10 GMT -1
My wife said to me in bed last night “since it’s nearly valentine’s night why don’t I let you act out one of your fantasies?” I said “Ok then you sit at the end of the bed with your legs on the floor and I’ll sit behind you” surprised she said “what is this meant to be?” “You driving me down to the pub” ;D
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on Feb 13, 2009 13:12:19 GMT -1
Have you heard that Bristol Zoo are in trouble for feeding the animals the wrong food, apparently they have been feeding the Hyenas OXO cubes
They are making the Hyenas a 'laughing stock'.
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on Feb 13, 2009 13:12:45 GMT -1
man was sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. So he decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'.
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f*** do you want?'
'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. Ryanair
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Post by CHOPPER READ on Feb 13, 2009 13:13:39 GMT -1
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Feb 14, 2009 11:28:46 GMT -1
man was sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. So he decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'. The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'. Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'. The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f*** do you want?' 'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. Ryanair love it ;D
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Post by Bones on Feb 15, 2009 15:23:07 GMT -1
A little five year old girl sees a group of workmen turn up on her road to build a house. She takes an interest and starts to talk to them. The builders with their hearts of gold soon adopted her as the site mascot. After a week they presented her with a little pink hard hat and pair of gloves, and even had a whip round and gave her her own wage slip with £10 in it. She took it and showed her mummy. 'Goodness' her mummy said, 'That was nice of them. Are you going to work there next week?' 'I think so mummy' said the little girl, 'Provided those c*nts at Jewsons deliver the fucking bricks'.
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Feb 17, 2009 22:20:31 GMT -1
A guy takes his wife to the doctor because she's been feeling strange. After examining the wife for quite a while, the doctor tells the husband, "Well, it's either Alzheimer's or AIDS." "What do you mean?" The husband says, "You can't tell the difference?" "Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what, drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't have sex with her."
;D
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Post by CHOPPER READ on Feb 17, 2009 22:46:21 GMT -1
Alfie Patten has decided to join Fathers 4 Justice.
He has no idea about their objectives but he does have a Spiderman suit.
Sorry if this has been posted elsewhere.
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Post by Bones on Feb 27, 2009 19:52:35 GMT -1
Merseyside police have today confirmed that two more premier league footballers have had there homes burgled on the same night.
Steven Gerrard has had a Champions league winners medal, a runners up medal, and two FA Cup medals stolen.
Tim Cahill has had a TV and a toaster nicked.
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Post by Bones on Feb 27, 2009 19:55:35 GMT -1
Police were today called to the City of Manchester Stadium after Manchester City reported that the entire contents of their trophey cabinet were stolen.
Police have asked the public to be on the lookout for a 20" by 25" piece of light blue carpet.
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Mar 1, 2009 11:14:24 GMT -1
Ten words , two commas, a punctuation mark and a full stop all appeared in court yesterday.......they're due to be sentenced next week!
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Mar 8, 2009 17:03:30 GMT -1
The Beach Boys walk into a bar "Round?" "Round?" "Get a round" "I get a round?" "Get a round...."
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Post by DTR on Mar 9, 2009 15:08:23 GMT -1
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. I'd love to be eight again' she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!
He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park: * The Death Slide * The Wall of Fear * The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms!
What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation... 'I meant my dress size, you f***ing tw@ !!!'
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Post by Pete the Wolf on Mar 11, 2009 23:20:43 GMT -1
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, "May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door."
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight......
.....But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
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