Flood update/appeal

[CHOPPER READ]

A major flood hit on Monday evening .

Epicentre: Doncaster, England.

News of the disaster was swiftly carried abroad by the town's 35,000 racing
pigeons, as victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering
"fookinhell" and "chuffinnorah".

The flood decimated the town, causing £30 worth of damage. Several
priceless collections of mementos from the Balearic Isles and the Spanish
Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historical burnt out
cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their Giro arrived. Radio station
DonnyFM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered,
still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had
happened in Doncaster. One resident, 15 year old mother of 3, Tracy Sharon
Braithwaite said: "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Madonna came
running into my bedroom crying. The twins, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm
slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Kilroy the
next morning". Locals were determined not to be bowed, as looting, muggings
and car crime carried on as normal.

So far, whilst the British Red Cross has managed to ship 4000 crates of
Sunny Delight to the area to relieve the suffering of stricken locals,
rescue workers searching through the rubble have found large quantities of
personal belongings including, benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke
at Argos, and bone china from Pound-stretcher.

Can You Help?

Please respond generously to our appeal for food and clothing for the
victims of this disaster.

Clothing is needed most of all, especially:
· Fila or Burberry baseball caps
· Kappa tracksuit tops (his or hers)
· Shell suits (female)
· White sports socks
· Rockfort boots or any other product sold in Primark


Culturally sensitive food parcels are harder to put together, but your
efforts will make a difference.

Microwave meals, tinned baked beans, ice-cream and cans of Colt 45 or
Special Brew are ideal.


Please do not give anything that requires peeling.

Remember:
· 22p buys a biro for filling in compensation claims · £2 buys chips,
crisps and a blue fizzy drink for a family of 9 · £5 will pay for a packet
of B&H and a lighter to calm a child's nerves

Urgently required: Tinned whippet food. Bones for Jack Russells

Please do not send tents for shelter. The sight of such posh housing will
cause residents to beleive they have been forcebly relocated to Sheffield.

[CHOPPER READ]

A man riding his Harley, was riding along a California beach when
suddenly the sky clouded above his head, and in a booming voice the
Lord said, 'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways,
I will grant you one wish..'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can
ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to
reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would
take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it,
but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly
help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord,
I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives.. I want to
know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the
silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's
wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy'.

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'

[CHOPPER READ]

NELSON MANDELA
>
>
>Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when
>he hears a knock at the door.
>
>
>When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a
>clip board and yelling,
>
>
>"You Sign! You sign!"
>
>
>Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
>
>
>Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man
>starts to yell louder,
>
>
>"You Sign! You sign!"
>
>
>Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and
>shuts the door in his face.
>
>
>The next day he hears a knock at the door again.
>
>
>When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of
>brake pads.
>
>
>He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,
>
>
>"You sign! You sign!"
>
>
>Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little
>Chinese man back, shouting:
>
>
>"Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he
>slams the door in his face again.
>
>
>The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he
>hears a knock on the door again.
>
>
>On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a
>clipboard under his nose, shouting,
>
>
>"You sign! You sign!"
>
>
>Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
>
>
>This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man
>by his shirt front and yells at him:
>
>
>"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong
>name! Who do you want to give these to?"
>
>
>The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and
>says:
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>(It's a beauty)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>(Wait for it)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>(Get your best Chinese accent ready)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>"You not Nissan Main Deala?"

[CHOPPER READ]

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe.

> He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and

> science.

>

> One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child.

> The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and

> says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and my

> woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure

> out what happened!"

>

> The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here

> is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an

> albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white

> except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

>

> The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what.

>

> You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything

> more about the child."

>

[CmonYouSpurs]

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For fuck sake, you wanker, it's 2am in the fucking morning!!"

[Janner]

Cries of "Super, smashing, great" can be heard all over South Yorkshire as people from Sheffield and Rotherham can finally use that fucking speedboat that they won on Bullseye.


;D