Goalposts for Jumpers
Sunday League Player
Posting on message boards is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman.....
Posts: 44
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Post by Goalposts for Jumpers on Dec 15, 2006 7:58:29 GMT -1
Duck walks into a bar and asks "Got any Bread? Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any fucking bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any fucking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your fucking beak to the bar you irritating bastard of a fucking bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?
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Goalposts for Jumpers
Sunday League Player
Posting on message boards is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman.....
Posts: 44
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Post by Goalposts for Jumpers on Dec 15, 2006 8:01:17 GMT -1
Two blokes are pushing their shopping trolleys around a supermarket when they collide.
The first bloke says to the second bloke, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I wasn't paying attention to where I was going".
The second bloke says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate".
The first bloke says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like"?
The second bloke says, "Well, she is 27 years old, 5 feet 11 inches tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, big jubblies, long legs and is wearing tiny little shorts and a crop top. What does your wife look like"?
The first bloke says, "Doesn't matter. .......let's look for yours."
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Post by Remember Jesus on Dec 15, 2006 8:01:47 GMT -1
;D
Text from the wife:
Why is a Christmas Tree better than a bloke?
Its always erect.
It stays up 12 days and nights.
Has cute balls.
And looks good with the light on!
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Goalposts for Jumpers
Sunday League Player
Posting on message boards is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman.....
Posts: 44
|
Post by Goalposts for Jumpers on Dec 15, 2006 8:03:27 GMT -1
"Out of Office" Automatic Message Replies
I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.
The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many individuals did this over and over).
Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system... You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
I've run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:
I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons... When I return, please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Simon'.
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Goalposts for Jumpers
Sunday League Player
Posting on message boards is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman.....
Posts: 44
|
Post by Goalposts for Jumpers on Dec 15, 2006 8:07:05 GMT -1
1. What do you call a Chav in a box? Innit.
2. What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet? Sorted
3. What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it? Safe.
4. What do you call an Eskimo Chav? Innuinnit.
5. Why are Chavs like slinkies? They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.
6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit? The bride.
7. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him? It might be your bike.
8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut? One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.
9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night? What you lookin' at?"
10. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving? The police
11. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's? A liar.
12. What do you say to a chav with a job? Can I have a big mac please
13. What do you say to a chav in a suit? Will the defendant please stand
14. What do you call a knife in chav-ville? Exhibit A
15. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Vauxhall Nova a shame? A Nova seats 4
16. What do you call a 30 year old chavette? Granny.
17. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river? A start.
18. How many chavs does it take to clean a floor? None, "That's some uvver bleeders job innit."
19. Why did the chav take a shower? He didn't mean to, he just forgot to close the Nova's window in the car wash
20. Why did the Chav cross the road? To start a fight with a random stranger for no reason whatsoever.
21. What do you call a Chav at college? The cleaner.
22. Two chavs jump off Beachy Head, who wins? Society
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Post by Remember Jesus on Dec 15, 2006 8:07:18 GMT -1
Think I prefer your off the cuff jibes.
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Goalposts for Jumpers
Sunday League Player
Posting on message boards is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman.....
Posts: 44
|
Post by Goalposts for Jumpers on Dec 15, 2006 8:08:06 GMT -1
When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.
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Goalposts for Jumpers
Sunday League Player
Posting on message boards is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman.....
Posts: 44
|
Post by Goalposts for Jumpers on Dec 15, 2006 8:09:01 GMT -1
Think I prefer your off the cuff jibes. I do too RJ, sadly, my mum sent me these jokes and I wanted to offer them as a ritual sacrifice to the general public at large. ;D
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Post by HGO on Dec 15, 2006 8:12:13 GMT -1
Mornin Fellas, long time no speaky Si, how ya diddlin
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Post by Remember Jesus on Dec 15, 2006 8:13:07 GMT -1
I liked the Supermarket one.
I have not heard a good joke in ages.
All i get by text is the sick stuff about Suffolk.
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Goalposts for Jumpers
Sunday League Player
Posting on message boards is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman.....
Posts: 44
|
Post by Goalposts for Jumpers on Dec 15, 2006 8:14:06 GMT -1
Mornin Fellas, long time no speaky Si, how ya diddlin H G O !! Morning squire. I'm diddling ok ta. How's yourself? Still struggling to see over the seats in the cinema? ![;)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/wink.png)
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Goalposts for Jumpers
Sunday League Player
Posting on message boards is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman.....
Posts: 44
|
Post by Goalposts for Jumpers on Dec 15, 2006 8:14:56 GMT -1
I liked the Supermarket one. I have not heard a good joke in ages. All i get by text is the sick stuff about Suffolk. I've not had any of those jokes........ yet. ![:-/](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/undecided.png)
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