Post by Neko Bazu on Dec 27, 2007 12:08:21 GMT -1
This review isn't by me, but it's so damning (and funny!) that I had to share it, to warn you all. Unfortunately, I now want to see it just out of morbid curiosity (and to MST it, as Uncle Ghastly suggests), but there may still be hope for the rest of you!
*~*~*~*~*~*
Alien vs. Predator: Rejequiem
Well gang, once again your ol' pal Uncle Ghastly has watched the bad movie so you don't have to.
A couple of friends called up and wanted to go see a movie. I was sadly out-voted and we went to see Alien Vs. Predator: Requiem. I would say "if you have ADHD then this is the movie for you" but I think people with ADHD have enough problems in their lives they don't need watching this crap added to them.
Now I didn't see the previous AVP movie. The very premise seemed like a fanfic wank-fest. Even so, I suspect this one was even worse. While the first one may have been fanfic, this one was Slash fanfic. During the "big fight" scene Predator and Queen Alien/Predator Hybrid (yes, it's as bad as it sounds) make out with one another. I wish I was joking. I'm not joking. No joke telling am I doing. I'm serious, guys. The two of them make out during the fight. Watching a triplet of Alien worms burst out of the stomach of a pregnant woman was no where near as gross as watching those two french kiss. And they did. It was awful.
Speaking of Alien worms bursting out of stomachs. I remember the first time I watched Alien. I just about shit myself when that thing popped out of the guy's chest. Now, nothing. No shock, no horror. Nothing. In fact this entire movie is so predictable, so played out, so cliched that there's not one genuine moment of shock and horror in the whole thing save for the price of the tickets. It just seems so very, very tired.
As for the cast of characters. I can guarantee you will absolutely not give a crap about a single one of them. In fact their overt stupidity will make you hope that the Aliens or the Predator will weed them out of the human gene pool forever. Perhaps you might feel a slight tingling of concern over the Newt substitute, but it will be short lived. Besides, you'll have probably laughed your ass off when the 10 year old boy gets face fucked by one of the Alien face-huggers in the first few minutes of the show.
From what I understand, the first AVP movie took place in Antarctica. So it would make sense that all sorts of shit could get blown up with nobody in the rest of the world noticing and no reinforcements on the scene.
This movie takes place in Colorado. In the opening sequence a Big Fucking Spaceship of a fireball comes hurtling through the dusk sky with an earth shattering sonic boom and created a big-assed crater in the woods outside some mountain town. Not long another fireball of a spaceship (granted, smaller than the first but still resplendent in all it's sonic boom and fiery glory) streaks across the sky and splashes into a lake. Now not long after that the first Predator space ship explodes in an earth shattering, tree flattening mushroom cloud. Wow! Now that gets your attention.
Well I guess not so much since nobody in this sleepy little mountain town seemed to notice any of this shit going on overhead and just outside the town (close enough to the town that the Aliens are able to access the towns sewers). In Colorado. You know... that place where NORAD headquarters is located. Nobody noticed. I guess whoever's job it was to monitor the radar screens had just stepped out for a smoke break. I think those events would have gotten some pretty immediate attention in the Real World. At least I would hope so.
Okay, so for some reason nobody in the town notices this, or are so used to giant fireballs crashing in the outskirts of their town they're blase about the whole thing. The do finally take notice when dogs bring home human body parts in their mouths. Let's form a posse and go search for the rest of our missing hunter and son. Now one of the hapless deputies runs into the Predator who, well hangs him upside down in a tree and skins him alive. It's just their thing. Well the sheriff calls off the search for the day and the next morning he runs into the girlfriend of the deputy. She tells him deputy dumb-ass didn't come home last night. I guess the police in this town don't, you know report in after a search or have any sort of debriefing or anything, it's just assumed that when the search is called off they'll bugger off home. So the sheriff goes out and finds deputy dumb-ass's carcass. He makes a rational if incorrect assumption that he's dealing with some psychopath of the human variety and also realizes he's out of his league. The next step would logically be to call in the FBI. Well he calls in the National Guard. Oh well, what the hell at least help is coming. But not until a lot of people do a lot of stupidly cliched things that get them all killed. When help arrives it turns out they're stupidly incompetent. I think the scene was supposed to play out like they were just completely overwhelmed by superior tactics and numbers, but later when the Jimmy Joe-Bob brigade go in with their shotguns and pistols it just makes you think "gee, the Colorado National Guard must be really fucking stupid... but then again NORAD did miss those two big fucking fireballs streaking across the sky..."
Now the Queen Alien/Predator Hybrid has been making new Alien recruits like it was a Dundas teenager and the shadowy "I'm in charge" government guy somehow can get them to show up as red dots on his computer monitor (that you can do... but two big huge fucking fireballs streaking across the sky with deafening sonic booms....). He tells the sheriff to get everyone in the middle of town for an airlift. What everyone in the audience knows he means is "we're going to nuke the thing from orbit, it's the only way to be sure".
Now this is the one thing I really had trouble understanding. They're in Colorado. I could understand them being trapped if they were in... oh... Antarctica, but this is Colorado. If the aliens are fucking shit up in your town here's a novel idea... GET IN YOUR FUCKING SUV AND FLOOR IT UNTIL YOU'RE ON THE NEAREST INTERSTATE. I guess like all Hollywood small towns this one has only one road leading out of it and somehow the aliens have set up a roadblock. So Sheriff Moron and his old highschool bad-boy best friend have a disagreement over whether or not it would be a better idea to go and wait in the middle of the giant swarm of alien beasties for the rescue nuke or take their chances trying to drive their heavily armoured vehicle to the hospital in hopes that a helicopter is still there. Not one person says "hey, why don't we just drive this fucking tank through whatever this roadblock is and on to freedom". At this point you're really hoping each and every one of them dies horribly, like on fire while being eaten by one of the Aliens or face fucked by the Queen Alien/Predator Hybrid (I can't stress enough how stupid I thought the hybrid was).
Long story short, helicopter was the right choice (although half of them got slaughtered reaching it), town gets nuked in orbit and at the very end we're treated to a scene where shadowy government guy and sinister equally shadowy woman of unknown affiliation discuss the implications of a piece of captured Predator technology. In other words we're doomed to more and more stupid fucking sequels of this stupid fucking fanfic wank-fest crap. Next movie will probably be Aliens vs Predator vs Terminator vs Jedi or some shit like that.
Movies by committee tend to suck, but when that committee is seemingly made up of pubescent boys your movie ends up collapsing into a singularity of suck. It starts with someone suggesting the wank-fest "lets have Predator fight Alien". Then somebody adds in "no, no, what would be really cool is have Predator fucking the shit out of a whole shit load of Aliens. Pow! Pow! Pow!". Then some fucker goes "You know what would be really cool? Predator fighting an Alien/Predator hybrid". Then some fuck head adds "hey! And the hybrid shoots embryos out it's mouth and the embryos go down your throat and pop out your stomach" and then some fuck stick says "and then there's some shadowy secret government guy who is all sinister and mysterious and shit" and then another fuck wit says "oh, and we need a helicopter".
It is physically impossible for me to overstate just how much this movie sucked. If you go to the movies with your friends and they outvote you to go see this movie then do yourself a favour and leave your friends and go see something else. For god's sake, it's too late for them, save yourself. The only chance this movie will ever have to be enjoyed would be if it was rented for $1 and came with a case of beer and you watched it with your wittiest friends and MSTed the shit out of it. Watched in the theatre this movie is nothing but pain. The suck isn't confined to the script. No, the editing sucked. The soundtrack sucked (a well placed orchestra hit can do a lot, when you lay them down like an artillery barrage every 1.5 seconds it's annoying as hell). The lighting sucked. The acting sucked. There is nothing good about this movie. Even the "let's get the teenage hottie in her undies" scene sucked. It just fucking sucks! All of it! SUCKS!
*~*~*~*~*~*
Thank you, Canada ;D
...
;D
*~*~*~*~*~*
Alien vs. Predator: Rejequiem
Well gang, once again your ol' pal Uncle Ghastly has watched the bad movie so you don't have to.
A couple of friends called up and wanted to go see a movie. I was sadly out-voted and we went to see Alien Vs. Predator: Requiem. I would say "if you have ADHD then this is the movie for you" but I think people with ADHD have enough problems in their lives they don't need watching this crap added to them.
Now I didn't see the previous AVP movie. The very premise seemed like a fanfic wank-fest. Even so, I suspect this one was even worse. While the first one may have been fanfic, this one was Slash fanfic. During the "big fight" scene Predator and Queen Alien/Predator Hybrid (yes, it's as bad as it sounds) make out with one another. I wish I was joking. I'm not joking. No joke telling am I doing. I'm serious, guys. The two of them make out during the fight. Watching a triplet of Alien worms burst out of the stomach of a pregnant woman was no where near as gross as watching those two french kiss. And they did. It was awful.
Speaking of Alien worms bursting out of stomachs. I remember the first time I watched Alien. I just about shit myself when that thing popped out of the guy's chest. Now, nothing. No shock, no horror. Nothing. In fact this entire movie is so predictable, so played out, so cliched that there's not one genuine moment of shock and horror in the whole thing save for the price of the tickets. It just seems so very, very tired.
As for the cast of characters. I can guarantee you will absolutely not give a crap about a single one of them. In fact their overt stupidity will make you hope that the Aliens or the Predator will weed them out of the human gene pool forever. Perhaps you might feel a slight tingling of concern over the Newt substitute, but it will be short lived. Besides, you'll have probably laughed your ass off when the 10 year old boy gets face fucked by one of the Alien face-huggers in the first few minutes of the show.
From what I understand, the first AVP movie took place in Antarctica. So it would make sense that all sorts of shit could get blown up with nobody in the rest of the world noticing and no reinforcements on the scene.
This movie takes place in Colorado. In the opening sequence a Big Fucking Spaceship of a fireball comes hurtling through the dusk sky with an earth shattering sonic boom and created a big-assed crater in the woods outside some mountain town. Not long another fireball of a spaceship (granted, smaller than the first but still resplendent in all it's sonic boom and fiery glory) streaks across the sky and splashes into a lake. Now not long after that the first Predator space ship explodes in an earth shattering, tree flattening mushroom cloud. Wow! Now that gets your attention.
Well I guess not so much since nobody in this sleepy little mountain town seemed to notice any of this shit going on overhead and just outside the town (close enough to the town that the Aliens are able to access the towns sewers). In Colorado. You know... that place where NORAD headquarters is located. Nobody noticed. I guess whoever's job it was to monitor the radar screens had just stepped out for a smoke break. I think those events would have gotten some pretty immediate attention in the Real World. At least I would hope so.
Okay, so for some reason nobody in the town notices this, or are so used to giant fireballs crashing in the outskirts of their town they're blase about the whole thing. The do finally take notice when dogs bring home human body parts in their mouths. Let's form a posse and go search for the rest of our missing hunter and son. Now one of the hapless deputies runs into the Predator who, well hangs him upside down in a tree and skins him alive. It's just their thing. Well the sheriff calls off the search for the day and the next morning he runs into the girlfriend of the deputy. She tells him deputy dumb-ass didn't come home last night. I guess the police in this town don't, you know report in after a search or have any sort of debriefing or anything, it's just assumed that when the search is called off they'll bugger off home. So the sheriff goes out and finds deputy dumb-ass's carcass. He makes a rational if incorrect assumption that he's dealing with some psychopath of the human variety and also realizes he's out of his league. The next step would logically be to call in the FBI. Well he calls in the National Guard. Oh well, what the hell at least help is coming. But not until a lot of people do a lot of stupidly cliched things that get them all killed. When help arrives it turns out they're stupidly incompetent. I think the scene was supposed to play out like they were just completely overwhelmed by superior tactics and numbers, but later when the Jimmy Joe-Bob brigade go in with their shotguns and pistols it just makes you think "gee, the Colorado National Guard must be really fucking stupid... but then again NORAD did miss those two big fucking fireballs streaking across the sky..."
Now the Queen Alien/Predator Hybrid has been making new Alien recruits like it was a Dundas teenager and the shadowy "I'm in charge" government guy somehow can get them to show up as red dots on his computer monitor (that you can do... but two big huge fucking fireballs streaking across the sky with deafening sonic booms....). He tells the sheriff to get everyone in the middle of town for an airlift. What everyone in the audience knows he means is "we're going to nuke the thing from orbit, it's the only way to be sure".
Now this is the one thing I really had trouble understanding. They're in Colorado. I could understand them being trapped if they were in... oh... Antarctica, but this is Colorado. If the aliens are fucking shit up in your town here's a novel idea... GET IN YOUR FUCKING SUV AND FLOOR IT UNTIL YOU'RE ON THE NEAREST INTERSTATE. I guess like all Hollywood small towns this one has only one road leading out of it and somehow the aliens have set up a roadblock. So Sheriff Moron and his old highschool bad-boy best friend have a disagreement over whether or not it would be a better idea to go and wait in the middle of the giant swarm of alien beasties for the rescue nuke or take their chances trying to drive their heavily armoured vehicle to the hospital in hopes that a helicopter is still there. Not one person says "hey, why don't we just drive this fucking tank through whatever this roadblock is and on to freedom". At this point you're really hoping each and every one of them dies horribly, like on fire while being eaten by one of the Aliens or face fucked by the Queen Alien/Predator Hybrid (I can't stress enough how stupid I thought the hybrid was).
Long story short, helicopter was the right choice (although half of them got slaughtered reaching it), town gets nuked in orbit and at the very end we're treated to a scene where shadowy government guy and sinister equally shadowy woman of unknown affiliation discuss the implications of a piece of captured Predator technology. In other words we're doomed to more and more stupid fucking sequels of this stupid fucking fanfic wank-fest crap. Next movie will probably be Aliens vs Predator vs Terminator vs Jedi or some shit like that.
Movies by committee tend to suck, but when that committee is seemingly made up of pubescent boys your movie ends up collapsing into a singularity of suck. It starts with someone suggesting the wank-fest "lets have Predator fight Alien". Then somebody adds in "no, no, what would be really cool is have Predator fucking the shit out of a whole shit load of Aliens. Pow! Pow! Pow!". Then some fucker goes "You know what would be really cool? Predator fighting an Alien/Predator hybrid". Then some fuck head adds "hey! And the hybrid shoots embryos out it's mouth and the embryos go down your throat and pop out your stomach" and then some fuck stick says "and then there's some shadowy secret government guy who is all sinister and mysterious and shit" and then another fuck wit says "oh, and we need a helicopter".
It is physically impossible for me to overstate just how much this movie sucked. If you go to the movies with your friends and they outvote you to go see this movie then do yourself a favour and leave your friends and go see something else. For god's sake, it's too late for them, save yourself. The only chance this movie will ever have to be enjoyed would be if it was rented for $1 and came with a case of beer and you watched it with your wittiest friends and MSTed the shit out of it. Watched in the theatre this movie is nothing but pain. The suck isn't confined to the script. No, the editing sucked. The soundtrack sucked (a well placed orchestra hit can do a lot, when you lay them down like an artillery barrage every 1.5 seconds it's annoying as hell). The lighting sucked. The acting sucked. There is nothing good about this movie. Even the "let's get the teenage hottie in her undies" scene sucked. It just fucking sucks! All of it! SUCKS!
*~*~*~*~*~*
Thank you, Canada ;D
...
Besides, you'll have probably laughed your ass off when the 10 year old boy gets face fucked by one of the Alien face-huggers in the first few minutes of the show.
;D
