Post by Neko Bazu on Aug 23, 2006 10:50:56 GMT -1
Found this on the net, and thought I'd share, because it amused me like hell ;D It's better if you've seen the King Arthur film, but if not... well, it's probably funny anyway!
*~*~*~*~*~*
Very Serious Text That Would Never, Ever Lie to You
VERY SERIOUS TEXT: Recent historical evidence suggests that Arthur was actually some Roman guy named Arturius. This, therefore, is a completely historically accurate movie, because God knows you can count on a Bruckheimer flick for your history lessons.
Mystical Voiceover
LANCELOT: So, back in the day there were these Sarmatians, and they got their asses kicked but the Romans respected the fact that they were tough bastards, so they let them live, only they had to be knights, and their sons, and their sons, and they all got their asses kicked and reincarnated into warrior horses and shit, and so on and so forth until I say, yea verily, better had those men died than have their descendants end up in this movie. And then it got to be my turn, and it was much of the suck.
AUDIENCE: "Sarmatia"?
TEARFUL SARMATIAN VILLAGERS: No! Not little Lancelot!
LITTLE LANCELOT [bravely]: How long will we be gone?
ROMANS: Fifteen years, bitch.
TEARFUL SARMATIAN VILLAGERS: *sniffle*
PROUD SARMATIAN GUY: Ride, little Lancelot! RIDE!!!!
TEARFUL SARMATIAN VILLAGERS: RIDE!!!!!
LITTLE LANCELOT: Dude, who are you? Like, my father, or something?
PROUD SARMATIAN GUY: I . . . uh . . . I didn't read that far into the script.
LITTLE LANCELOT: . . .
PROUD SARMATIAN GUY: . . .
TEARFUL SARMATIAN VILLAGERS: RIDE!!!!!
Some Hill in Britain, Fifteen Years Later
LANCELOT VOICEOVER: Oh, and some little girl gave me a lion amulet or something. I still don’t know who that kid was.
ARTHUR: There below is the bishop arriving from Rome that we're supposed to protect from bloodthirsty Woads who have started crossing Hadrian's Wall. He’s got our freedom papers, and we can’t leave Britain without them.
LANCELOT: So . . . let's just sit up on this hill and watch?
ARTHUR: Sounds like a plan.
Bishop Germanius and his Roman entourage show up, and, right on schedule, Woads attack. Arthur and his knights race down the hill to protect the bishop, now that they apparently feel like it.
A FRILLION WOADS: RAAAAAAA!
BISHOP IN THE CARRIAGE: *cowers*
ASSISTANT PRIEST UNDER THE CARRIAGE: *cries*
ARTHUR AND KNIGHTS: STABNATION!
A FRILLION WOADS: *die*
ONE LAST WOAD: RAAAAAAAAAAA—
ARTHUR: *points his sword at him*
ONE LAST WOAD: —aaaaa.
ARTHUR: I KEEL YOU AT MY LEISURE.
ONE LAST WOAD [dropping sword]: Oooo, Excalibur, how fancy. Go on and kill me, big man.
ARTHUR: Okay, just for that? I'm not gonna kill you, smartass.
ONE LAST WOAD: . . .
ARTHUR: Pick it up.
ONE LAST WOAD: . . .
ARTHUR: PICK IT UP.
ONE LAST WOAD: . . .
ARTHUR: . . .
SOME MYSTICAL GUY IN THE WOODS: *stares*
ARTHUR: *stares*
SOME MYSTICAL GUY IN THE WOODS: *stares*
ARTHUR: *stares*
LANCELOT: Dude . . . ?
ONE LAST WOAD: Seriously, dude . . . ?
ARTHUR: PICK IT UP, MOTHERFUCKER.
ONE LAST WOAD: *picks it up*
At the Carriage of the Bishop
THE BISHOP: *is dead*
ARTHUR: Hey, Germanius, what up?
ROMAN COMMANDER: ‘Sup.
LANCELOT: Nice.
ASSISTANT PRIEST UNDER THE CARRIAGE: *cries*
Hill of Character-Establishing Banter, Fortus Romanus
TRISTAN: I'm so glad to be back at our Roman fort, GALAHAD. Also, I have a hawk.
GAWAIN: You're so right, TRISTAN. It's going to be awesome being free.
DAGONET: You said it, GAWAIN!
LANCELOT: Man, I hope they keep their word, DAGONET.
ARTHUR: Why wouldn't they, LANCELOT?
LANCELOT: I dunno. Just a feeling I get, ARTHUR.
BORS: My cock is really big and I have twelve kids!
EVERYONE: . . .
LANCELOT: Eleven, Bors. You have eleven. And five of them are mine.
EVERYONE: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Roomus Arturius
ASSISTANT PRIEST: Wasn’t it nice of Arturius to give up his room?
BISHOP GERMANIUS: Well, except for the part where we would have taken it if he hadn’t, but sure, I guess it’s the thought that counts.
Germanius starts going through Arthur’s stuff and finds a clay medallion of some Roman guy.
BISHOP GERMANIUS: That heretic Pelagius! *smashes it*
ASSISTANT PRIEST: What was that about?
BISHOP GERMANIUS: Nothing, nothing, just a plot point.
The Round Table
BISHOP GERMANIUS: Arturius, I am afraid your table is defective. Go find one that I can sit at the head of, plzkthnx.
ARTHUR: All men are born equal and free, and thus our table is round.
BISHOP GERMANIUS: You realize that no one's really going to give a shit about the concept of universal freedom for another twelve, thirteen hundred years, right?
ARTHUR: . . .
BISHOP GERMANIUS: Oh, P.S., you're not free after all. You have to do one more mission, on which you will probably die, to save this one kid the Pope really likes.
ARTHUR: Ewww.
BISHOP GERMANIUS: Not like that. That we know of. Have fun breaking the news to your men!
ARTHUR: So. Help. Me. God. If you break. Your word. THIS TIME. I WILL KILL YOU DEAD.
BISHOP GERMANIUS: You realize I totally have to break it now, right?
ARTHUR: SO DEAD.
BISHOP GERMANIUS: Okay, okay, I won't! I won't!
Stable of Faith
ARTHUR: Dear God, please get our asses out of this, but if you can't, kill me and let everyone else get the hell out of here. Amen.
LANCELOT: You suck and your Romans suck and your God sucks.
ARTHUR: Look, man, I just do what they tell me.
LANCELOT: Whatever. Clearly I'm going to die in battle, and I'm really hoping it's not going to be this one, but when I die, don't bury me on this stinking island. Burn me and cast my ashes to the wind.
ARTHUR: Awww, dude! Look what you went and did!
LANCELOT: What?
ARTHUR: Now you're totally going to have to die, so we can dispose of your body in that precise manner. It's like, a rule.
LANCELOT: DAMMIT.
Sarmatio-Roman Courtyard of Boozing
BORS: Sing us a highly ironic song, Vanora!
VANORA:
Isn't it great that you get to go home,
Set free by those stingy bastards in Rome?
Over the hills and the mountains you'll go,
Except for the part where you won't get to, WOE.
ARTHUR: Uh . . . guys? We need to talk.
LANCELOT: Yeah, tell 'em, Arthur. Tell 'em how your Romans and your God suck.
Five Minutes Later
BORS: RAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
GAWAIN: Aww, man!
TRISTAN: Eh. Not like I had anything better to do.
BORS: *throws things*
ARTHUR: Look. Rome. Has asked us. To do one. More. Thing. Besides, it’s not like you can do anything without your freedom papers.
LANCELOT: We don’t fight for Rome! We fight for YOU!
ARTHUR: Then I’M asking you.
LANCELOT: *sulks*
GALAHAD: Whatever. I fight for you, and I’m in.
GAWAIN: *sulks*
GALAHAD: And so’s Gawain.
GAWAIN: HEY!
DAGONET: I’ll bring Bors when he’s done smashing crockery.
(Somewhere in the background: RAAAAAAAAAAAAA! *SMASH!*)
Random Scene of Saxon Viciousness
SOME WOMAN: Aieee! Please stop raping me, Saxon guy!
CERDIC: *kills the Saxon guy*
SOME WOMAN: Oh, truly you are a merciful Saxo--
CERDIC: Have her killed too. Damn dirty Woads.
CYNRIC: Hey, ease up there, Swiss Miss.
CERDIC: ARE YOU QUESTIONING ME?
CYNRIC: I'm just saying, man . . . that's kinda harsh.
CERDIC: Bitch, please. You don't know harsh. I had to film that Exorcist prequel twice.
CYNRIC: Dude . . . that's hardcore.
Woading Woadton in the Woods
DELIVERY WOAD: Hey, I have a delivery here for a . . . Merlin?
MERLIN: That’s me.
DELIVERY WOAD: *throws a knife carved with runes into the dirt*
MERLIN [reading]: . . . Oh, shit, the Saxons are coming.
DELIVERY WOAD: *cough*
MERLIN: Oh, fine. *tips the Delivery Woad two arrowheads*
DELIVERY WOAD: Cheapskate.
Forest of Mystical Mist
ANTOINE FUQUA: Crank that fog machine on up, boys!
AUDIENCE: Heh heh. She said “Fuqua.”
FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD SPIDER-WOADS: *shoot vines all across the forest so no one can go that way*
ARTHUR AND KNIGHTS: *ride around in a panic*
FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD SPIDER-WOADS: *shoot vines all across the forest so no one can go that way*
ARTHUR AND KNIGHTS: *ride around in a panic*
FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD SPIDER-WOADS: *shoot vines all across the forest so no one can move at all*
ARTHUR: Hi, can we help you or something?
WOADS: WE KEEL YOU!
SOME MYSTICAL GUY IN THE WOODS: *blows mystical horn*
WOADS: . . .
SOME MYSTICAL GUY IN THE WOODS: *stares*
WOADS: . . .
ARTHUR: Uh, guys . . . ?
WOADS: *leave*
LANCELOT: . . . the hell was that all about?
Woading Woadton in the Woods
SOME ELDER WOAD: Why'd you stop them from killing Arthur? They had all the knights right there!
MERLIN: I just got this knife that says that a metric assload of Saxons are coming. We're gonna need those guys.
SOME ELDER WOAD: So . . . basically . . . that whole Spider-Woad thing was totally pointless.
MERLIN: That's about the way of it, yeah.
Villa Romana
RICH ROMAN GUY: Thank God you're here!
ARTHUR: Pack your asses up, we gots to jet.
RICH ROMAN GUY: But all our stuff is here--!
ARTHUR: Saxons: coming. You: leaving. Chop chop!
TWO SCRAGGLY MONKS: *are bricking up a wall*
ARTHUR: HEY! What the hell are you doing?
TWO SCRAGGLY MONKS: Nothing! Nothing!
ARTHUR: Dagonet!
DAGONET: *busts a stone wall down hardcore with, like, an axe*
ARTHUR: Hey, there’s a door under there.
TWO SCRAGGLY MONKS: It’s locked.
ARTHUR: Well, UNLOCK IT THEN.
TWO SCRAGGLY MONKS: From the inside.
ARTHUR: All right, now I’m really calling shenanigans. Dagonet!
DAGONET: *chops the door down like whoa*
Subterranean Torture Chamber
ARTHUR: Oh my God, I thought the Spanish Inquisition wasn’t gonna be for another thousand years.
FREAKY MONK: Nobody ever expects the Spanish Inquisition!
LANCELOT: *kills Freaky Monk* NO PYTHON QUOTES!
ARTHUR: Check for survivors! And YOU! What the hell is wrong with you?
CRAZY MONK: We had to save their pagan souls!
ARTHUR: By torturing and killing them?
LANCELOT: I TOLD YOU YOUR GOD SUCKS!
DAGONET: Hey, I just found the girliest kid ever over here!
THE GIRLIEST KID EVER: *luffs Dagonet*
TRISTAN: We got another one over here!
ARTHUR: Oh my God! Look how thin she is! They’ve been starving her to death!
GUINEVEIRA [rasping]: No, just . . . small-boned . . .
ARTHUR: *lifts Guineveira into his arms*
GUINEVEIRA: *swoons*
ARTHUR: We need water!
GUINEVEIRA: Hey baby, did you catch that swoon? I can do it again.
Villa Romana
CRAZY MONK: You can’t give her water! Pagans are undeserving of the Lord’s H2O!
ARTHUR: SHUT YOUR MOUTH OR I CUT YOU.
CRAZY MONK: We were willing to die in there with them!
ARTHUR: Well, good for you. WALL ‘EM BACK UP!
CRAZY MONK: HEY!
RICH ROMAN GUY: Traitors! Heretics! Rome will send an army and then you’ll be sorry!
ARTHUR: Oh yeah? WE’RE IT, so—aww, hell, what are you freaks doing now?
SOME GUY: *is suspended from chains*
SERF GUY: Uh, Mr. Arturius, sir, the Rich Roman Guy hung him up there because he said that we should keep more of the harvest instead of selling all of it and going hungry.
ARTHUR: Cut him down!
SERFS: *gape*
ARTHUR: I SAID CUT HIM DOWN!
SERF GUY: The Romans don’t let us have sharp things.
ARTHUR: GAHHHH. *cuts Some Guy down* You’re all free! Free—
SAXON DRUMS: *thunder ominously*
ARTHUR: —to get the shit out of here. Damn, they’re close.
SERF GUY: Let me serve you! I want to fight!
ARTHUR: Shpfff. I’m not letting you have sharp things, either. You wanna serve? Pack everybody up, we’re movin’ out.
LANCELOT: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
TRISTAN: Dude, I don’t think we can make it with all of them.
ARTHUR: Tough shit. Move ‘em on out!
Flaming Villa Romana, Later That Day
CERDIC: How do you feel about betraying your people?
TRAITOR SERF: In that I’m not getting gutted and raped and burninated too? Pretty good, actually.
CERDIC: Touché. But you’re not betraying them enough, because they all escaped. Where’d they go?
TRAITOR SERF: Probably up the mountains to the lake . . . .? Oh, and I heard some Arthur guy is with them. Total badass, never lost a battle, walks on water, etc.
CERDIC: Hmph.
Scenes from a Traveling Caravan
GUINEVEIRA [clinging]: They tortured me . . . ! With machines . . . ! And then you came . . . ! And saved me . . . !
ARTHUR: Sure, whatever. Hey, lady, you got any athelas?
RICH ROMAN LADY: The hell . . . ?
ARTHUR: Do I have to do everything around here? Look, babe--they severely fucked up your fingers back there, and you're totally going to need them in about fifteen minutes, so I'm going to have to reset them or relocate them or something, okay?
GUINEVEIRA: . . .
GUINEVEIRA'S FINGER: *crrrrrack*
GUINEVEIRA: !!!!!
GUINEVEIRA'S OTHER FINGER: *crrrrrunch*
GUINEVEIRA: !@#$@#!#$!@!
ARTHUR: You okay?
GUINEVEIRA [weakly]: I'm Guinevere. You're Arthur. *passes out*
ARTHUR: Thanks for clearing that up, babe.
* * *
GUINEVEIRA: Hey, baby! Hey baby, you so fine, baby!
ARTHUR: *keeps riding*
GUINEVEIRA: I've heard lots of stories about you, about how you're a big strong killative man.
ARTHUR: *keeps riding*
GUINEVEIRA: Hey, can I borrow a cup of sex?
ARTHUR: *rides away*
GUINEVEIRA: DAMMIT.
* * *
TRISTAN: Hey, I still have a hawk.
* * *
Lancelot stumbles across the Roman lady bathing Guinevere in the wagon. In the snow. With the one transparent piece of fabric in the whole caravan draped across as a screen.
GUINEVEIRA: Hey, Sir Sexalot! Join in or buzz off!
LANCELOT: *runs away*
GUINEVEIRA: WILL NO ONE HELP OUT A HORNY WOAD?
Forest of Mystical Mistiness
GUINEVEIRA puts on a cloak ofharlot scarlet red and wanders into the woods, her eyes beckoning to Arthur. He follows her into the mists.
ARTHUR: Hey baby, you clean up pretty good.
MERLIN [stepping out of mist]: Hi.
ARTHUR: OMGWTF you betrayed me!
GUINEVEIRA: Look, I just went out for a walk. You're the one stalking my ass, pal.
MERLIN: So about these Saxons—
ARTHUR: Look, Papa Smurf, I’m a Roman and Romans hate Woads.
MERLIN: But the Saxons—
ARTHUR: WOADS KILLED MY MOTHER!
MERLIN: Oh, come on, now you’re just pulling things out of your ass.
ARTHUR: YOU KILLED HER!
MERLIN: Oh, yeah . . . yeah, I kinda did.
Flaming Flashback
Merlin’s Woads are burninating—yea, verily, even the thatched-roof cottages —and Arthur’s mother is shrieking. Arthur, who looks about eight years old going on five, runs to his father’s grave and heaves the sword sticking out of the burial mound amid great flashes of fire and importance.
ANTOINE FUQUA: *steals Ridley Scott’s Dramatic Shaky Slo-Mo right out from under him*
Young Arthur is too late to save his mother and the whole place goes up in flames.
YOUNG ARTHUR: NOOOOOOO!!!
Forest of Mystical Mistiness
ARTHUR: . . . And the lambs NEVER STOPPED SCREAMING!
MERLIN: Arthur, your mother was a Briton like us. I mean, it kind of sucks that we killed her, too, but you see what I'm saying. You're one of us.
ARTHUR: Fuck you.
MERLIN: See? Right down to the Middle English swearwords. Your British mother's lovesaved you from Voldemort freed the sword! Not your father's hate!
ARTHUR: Really? Huh.
GUINEVEIRA: Wow, you got over that fast.
Campus Caravanus, Early the Next Morning
Rich Roman Guy grabs The Girliest Kid Ever and tries to stage a coup with his guards.
DAGONET: NOOOOOO! NOT THE GIRLIEST KID EVER!
GUINEVEIRA [appearing with bow]: Drop. That. Kid.
RICH ROMAN GUY: Weren’t your fingers, like, broken or something fifteen minutes ago?
GUINEVERE: *shoots him*
ROMAN GUARDS: AHHHHH! WE KEEL YOU!
Right on schedule, Arthur and the knights step out of the woods.
ARTHUR: Not unless you want some Dark Ages stabnation, you won’t.
LANCELOT: I have two swords!
ARTHUR: Now get back in the caravan.
ROMAN GUARDS: *shrug*
GUINEVEIRA: Hey, what were you guys doing out in the woods?
LANCELOT: . . .
GAWAIN: . . .
ARTHUR: . . .
GUINEVEIRA: Fine, keep your little orgies to yourselves, be that way.
DAGONET [changing the subject]: Hey, where'd you learn to shoot like that?
GUINEVEIRA: Well, there was this really cute guy who wanted to be a pirate, and . . . look, it's a long story.
Back on the Road
ARTHUR: Hey, I'm sorry about the Woad chick killing your father and all.
ALECTO: Yeah, well, he sucked anyway. Except for the part about everyone being our slaves, he was right about that.
ARTHUR: No he wasn't.
ALECTO: Yuh-huh.
ARTHUR: Nuh-uh.
ALECTO: Yuh -huh.
ARTHUR: Nuh-uh.
ALECTO: Yuh -huh.
ARTHUR: Nuh-uh.
ALECTO: Hey, Rome says so too!
ARTHUR: Look, my mentor and father figure Pelagius back in Rome was all about how men are equal and free.
ALECTO: Dude, they excommunicated that guy and stoned him to death. Didn't you hear?
ARTHUR: OMGWTF.
Lake Badidea
SAXON DRUMS: *THUNDER!*
ARTHUR: Okay. Executive decision. The Saxons are just about up our ass. We have to cross this frozen lake.
TRISTAN: This is a bad idea, dude.
ARTHUR: Look, talk to me when those ghetto bangs of yours come up with a better idea.
TRISTAN: . . .
ARTHUR: . . .
TRISTAN: Everybody across the lake!
FROZEN LAKE: *crrrrrrrrrrack*
ARTHUR: Everyone out of the wagons and spread out!
FROZEN LAKE: *crrrr-rrrrr-ack*
ARTHUR: I SAID SPREAD OUT, DAMMIT! WHY DO I HAVE TO SAY EVERYTHING TWICE?
SAXON DRUMS: *pound ominously*
ARTHUR: Serf Guy, keep those peasants rollin’. We’ll stay here and fight off the Saxons. All seven of us.
GUINEVEIRA [appearing with bow]: Eight! I'll fight with you, even though my fingers were completely broken twenty minutes ago.
LANCELOT: Wow, you got over that fast.
GUINEVEIRA: Shut up, Lancehot. Hey, could someone get me some sleeves or something?
SERF GUY: The Romans wouldn't let us have sleeves.
GUINEVEIRA: DAMMIT.
The Saxons Approach
CYNRIC: See if they’re within shooting range.
THE SAXONS: *shoot*
THE ARROWS: *fall at the knights’ feet*
CYNRIC: So I guess they’re not, then.
THE KNIGHTS: *pick up their bows and take out a dozen Saxons*
GUINEVEIRA: Damn, yo.
LANCELOT: You know, there’s a lot of lonely men over there.
GUINEVEIRA: Don’t worry. Your ass is mine, candypants.
The Saxons: Still Approaching
ARTHUR: Shoot the flanks! Drive them to the middle!
FROZEN LAKE: *crrrrrrrrrrack*
ARTHUR: SHOOT THEM HARDER!
GAWAIN: We’re shooting, we’re shooting!
FROZEN LAKE: *crrrr-rrrrr-ack*
ARTHUR: Aw, hell, it’s not working!
FROZEN LAKE: *crrrack?*
DAGONET: *runs out and starts chopping the ice*
BORS: DAGONET, NOOOOOO!
DAGONET: *ARROWED!*
BORS: NOOOOOO!
FROZEN LAKE: *CRACK CRACK CRACKCRACKCRACK SPLOOOOSH! *
BORS AND ARTHUR: *race the breaking ice to drag Dagonet back to the shore*
THOUSANDS OF SAXONS: We drown! We freeze!
ARTHUR: Oh my one brave knight!
THE KNIGHTS: *sniffle*
THOUSANDS OF SAXONS: AHHHHHHH! HELP US!
CYNRIC: Oh my one brave ENTIRE ARMY!
BORS: And he only had eight days until retirement!
THE KNIGHTS: WAAAAAA!
(To be continued in post 2...)
*~*~*~*~*~*
Very Serious Text That Would Never, Ever Lie to You
VERY SERIOUS TEXT: Recent historical evidence suggests that Arthur was actually some Roman guy named Arturius. This, therefore, is a completely historically accurate movie, because God knows you can count on a Bruckheimer flick for your history lessons.
Mystical Voiceover
LANCELOT: So, back in the day there were these Sarmatians, and they got their asses kicked but the Romans respected the fact that they were tough bastards, so they let them live, only they had to be knights, and their sons, and their sons, and they all got their asses kicked and reincarnated into warrior horses and shit, and so on and so forth until I say, yea verily, better had those men died than have their descendants end up in this movie. And then it got to be my turn, and it was much of the suck.
AUDIENCE: "Sarmatia"?
TEARFUL SARMATIAN VILLAGERS: No! Not little Lancelot!
LITTLE LANCELOT [bravely]: How long will we be gone?
ROMANS: Fifteen years, bitch.
TEARFUL SARMATIAN VILLAGERS: *sniffle*
PROUD SARMATIAN GUY: Ride, little Lancelot! RIDE!!!!
TEARFUL SARMATIAN VILLAGERS: RIDE!!!!!
LITTLE LANCELOT: Dude, who are you? Like, my father, or something?
PROUD SARMATIAN GUY: I . . . uh . . . I didn't read that far into the script.
LITTLE LANCELOT: . . .
PROUD SARMATIAN GUY: . . .
TEARFUL SARMATIAN VILLAGERS: RIDE!!!!!
Some Hill in Britain, Fifteen Years Later
LANCELOT VOICEOVER: Oh, and some little girl gave me a lion amulet or something. I still don’t know who that kid was.
ARTHUR: There below is the bishop arriving from Rome that we're supposed to protect from bloodthirsty Woads who have started crossing Hadrian's Wall. He’s got our freedom papers, and we can’t leave Britain without them.
LANCELOT: So . . . let's just sit up on this hill and watch?
ARTHUR: Sounds like a plan.
Bishop Germanius and his Roman entourage show up, and, right on schedule, Woads attack. Arthur and his knights race down the hill to protect the bishop, now that they apparently feel like it.
A FRILLION WOADS: RAAAAAAA!
BISHOP IN THE CARRIAGE: *cowers*
ASSISTANT PRIEST UNDER THE CARRIAGE: *cries*
ARTHUR AND KNIGHTS: STABNATION!
A FRILLION WOADS: *die*
ONE LAST WOAD: RAAAAAAAAAAA—
ARTHUR: *points his sword at him*
ONE LAST WOAD: —aaaaa.
ARTHUR: I KEEL YOU AT MY LEISURE.
ONE LAST WOAD [dropping sword]: Oooo, Excalibur, how fancy. Go on and kill me, big man.
ARTHUR: Okay, just for that? I'm not gonna kill you, smartass.
ONE LAST WOAD: . . .
ARTHUR: Pick it up.
ONE LAST WOAD: . . .
ARTHUR: PICK IT UP.
ONE LAST WOAD: . . .
ARTHUR: . . .
SOME MYSTICAL GUY IN THE WOODS: *stares*
ARTHUR: *stares*
SOME MYSTICAL GUY IN THE WOODS: *stares*
ARTHUR: *stares*
LANCELOT: Dude . . . ?
ONE LAST WOAD: Seriously, dude . . . ?
ARTHUR: PICK IT UP, MOTHERFUCKER.
ONE LAST WOAD: *picks it up*
At the Carriage of the Bishop
THE BISHOP: *is dead*
ARTHUR: Hey, Germanius, what up?
ROMAN COMMANDER: ‘Sup.
LANCELOT: Nice.
ASSISTANT PRIEST UNDER THE CARRIAGE: *cries*
Hill of Character-Establishing Banter, Fortus Romanus
TRISTAN: I'm so glad to be back at our Roman fort, GALAHAD. Also, I have a hawk.
GAWAIN: You're so right, TRISTAN. It's going to be awesome being free.
DAGONET: You said it, GAWAIN!
LANCELOT: Man, I hope they keep their word, DAGONET.
ARTHUR: Why wouldn't they, LANCELOT?
LANCELOT: I dunno. Just a feeling I get, ARTHUR.
BORS: My cock is really big and I have twelve kids!
EVERYONE: . . .
LANCELOT: Eleven, Bors. You have eleven. And five of them are mine.
EVERYONE: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Roomus Arturius
ASSISTANT PRIEST: Wasn’t it nice of Arturius to give up his room?
BISHOP GERMANIUS: Well, except for the part where we would have taken it if he hadn’t, but sure, I guess it’s the thought that counts.
Germanius starts going through Arthur’s stuff and finds a clay medallion of some Roman guy.
BISHOP GERMANIUS: That heretic Pelagius! *smashes it*
ASSISTANT PRIEST: What was that about?
BISHOP GERMANIUS: Nothing, nothing, just a plot point.
The Round Table
BISHOP GERMANIUS: Arturius, I am afraid your table is defective. Go find one that I can sit at the head of, plzkthnx.
ARTHUR: All men are born equal and free, and thus our table is round.
BISHOP GERMANIUS: You realize that no one's really going to give a shit about the concept of universal freedom for another twelve, thirteen hundred years, right?
ARTHUR: . . .
BISHOP GERMANIUS: Oh, P.S., you're not free after all. You have to do one more mission, on which you will probably die, to save this one kid the Pope really likes.
ARTHUR: Ewww.
BISHOP GERMANIUS: Not like that. That we know of. Have fun breaking the news to your men!
ARTHUR: So. Help. Me. God. If you break. Your word. THIS TIME. I WILL KILL YOU DEAD.
BISHOP GERMANIUS: You realize I totally have to break it now, right?
ARTHUR: SO DEAD.
BISHOP GERMANIUS: Okay, okay, I won't! I won't!
Stable of Faith
ARTHUR: Dear God, please get our asses out of this, but if you can't, kill me and let everyone else get the hell out of here. Amen.
LANCELOT: You suck and your Romans suck and your God sucks.
ARTHUR: Look, man, I just do what they tell me.
LANCELOT: Whatever. Clearly I'm going to die in battle, and I'm really hoping it's not going to be this one, but when I die, don't bury me on this stinking island. Burn me and cast my ashes to the wind.
ARTHUR: Awww, dude! Look what you went and did!
LANCELOT: What?
ARTHUR: Now you're totally going to have to die, so we can dispose of your body in that precise manner. It's like, a rule.
LANCELOT: DAMMIT.
Sarmatio-Roman Courtyard of Boozing
BORS: Sing us a highly ironic song, Vanora!
VANORA:
Isn't it great that you get to go home,
Set free by those stingy bastards in Rome?
Over the hills and the mountains you'll go,
Except for the part where you won't get to, WOE.
ARTHUR: Uh . . . guys? We need to talk.
LANCELOT: Yeah, tell 'em, Arthur. Tell 'em how your Romans and your God suck.
Five Minutes Later
BORS: RAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
GAWAIN: Aww, man!
TRISTAN: Eh. Not like I had anything better to do.
BORS: *throws things*
ARTHUR: Look. Rome. Has asked us. To do one. More. Thing. Besides, it’s not like you can do anything without your freedom papers.
LANCELOT: We don’t fight for Rome! We fight for YOU!
ARTHUR: Then I’M asking you.
LANCELOT: *sulks*
GALAHAD: Whatever. I fight for you, and I’m in.
GAWAIN: *sulks*
GALAHAD: And so’s Gawain.
GAWAIN: HEY!
DAGONET: I’ll bring Bors when he’s done smashing crockery.
(Somewhere in the background: RAAAAAAAAAAAAA! *SMASH!*)
Random Scene of Saxon Viciousness
SOME WOMAN: Aieee! Please stop raping me, Saxon guy!
CERDIC: *kills the Saxon guy*
SOME WOMAN: Oh, truly you are a merciful Saxo--
CERDIC: Have her killed too. Damn dirty Woads.
CYNRIC: Hey, ease up there, Swiss Miss.
CERDIC: ARE YOU QUESTIONING ME?
CYNRIC: I'm just saying, man . . . that's kinda harsh.
CERDIC: Bitch, please. You don't know harsh. I had to film that Exorcist prequel twice.
CYNRIC: Dude . . . that's hardcore.
Woading Woadton in the Woods
DELIVERY WOAD: Hey, I have a delivery here for a . . . Merlin?
MERLIN: That’s me.
DELIVERY WOAD: *throws a knife carved with runes into the dirt*
MERLIN [reading]: . . . Oh, shit, the Saxons are coming.
DELIVERY WOAD: *cough*
MERLIN: Oh, fine. *tips the Delivery Woad two arrowheads*
DELIVERY WOAD: Cheapskate.
Forest of Mystical Mist
ANTOINE FUQUA: Crank that fog machine on up, boys!
AUDIENCE: Heh heh. She said “Fuqua.”
FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD SPIDER-WOADS: *shoot vines all across the forest so no one can go that way*
ARTHUR AND KNIGHTS: *ride around in a panic*
FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD SPIDER-WOADS: *shoot vines all across the forest so no one can go that way*
ARTHUR AND KNIGHTS: *ride around in a panic*
FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD SPIDER-WOADS: *shoot vines all across the forest so no one can move at all*
ARTHUR: Hi, can we help you or something?
WOADS: WE KEEL YOU!
SOME MYSTICAL GUY IN THE WOODS: *blows mystical horn*
WOADS: . . .
SOME MYSTICAL GUY IN THE WOODS: *stares*
WOADS: . . .
ARTHUR: Uh, guys . . . ?
WOADS: *leave*
LANCELOT: . . . the hell was that all about?
Woading Woadton in the Woods
SOME ELDER WOAD: Why'd you stop them from killing Arthur? They had all the knights right there!
MERLIN: I just got this knife that says that a metric assload of Saxons are coming. We're gonna need those guys.
SOME ELDER WOAD: So . . . basically . . . that whole Spider-Woad thing was totally pointless.
MERLIN: That's about the way of it, yeah.
Villa Romana
RICH ROMAN GUY: Thank God you're here!
ARTHUR: Pack your asses up, we gots to jet.
RICH ROMAN GUY: But all our stuff is here--!
ARTHUR: Saxons: coming. You: leaving. Chop chop!
TWO SCRAGGLY MONKS: *are bricking up a wall*
ARTHUR: HEY! What the hell are you doing?
TWO SCRAGGLY MONKS: Nothing! Nothing!
ARTHUR: Dagonet!
DAGONET: *busts a stone wall down hardcore with, like, an axe*
ARTHUR: Hey, there’s a door under there.
TWO SCRAGGLY MONKS: It’s locked.
ARTHUR: Well, UNLOCK IT THEN.
TWO SCRAGGLY MONKS: From the inside.
ARTHUR: All right, now I’m really calling shenanigans. Dagonet!
DAGONET: *chops the door down like whoa*
Subterranean Torture Chamber
ARTHUR: Oh my God, I thought the Spanish Inquisition wasn’t gonna be for another thousand years.
FREAKY MONK: Nobody ever expects the Spanish Inquisition!
LANCELOT: *kills Freaky Monk* NO PYTHON QUOTES!
ARTHUR: Check for survivors! And YOU! What the hell is wrong with you?
CRAZY MONK: We had to save their pagan souls!
ARTHUR: By torturing and killing them?
LANCELOT: I TOLD YOU YOUR GOD SUCKS!
DAGONET: Hey, I just found the girliest kid ever over here!
THE GIRLIEST KID EVER: *luffs Dagonet*
TRISTAN: We got another one over here!
ARTHUR: Oh my God! Look how thin she is! They’ve been starving her to death!
GUINEVEIRA [rasping]: No, just . . . small-boned . . .
ARTHUR: *lifts Guineveira into his arms*
GUINEVEIRA: *swoons*
ARTHUR: We need water!
GUINEVEIRA: Hey baby, did you catch that swoon? I can do it again.
Villa Romana
CRAZY MONK: You can’t give her water! Pagans are undeserving of the Lord’s H2O!
ARTHUR: SHUT YOUR MOUTH OR I CUT YOU.
CRAZY MONK: We were willing to die in there with them!
ARTHUR: Well, good for you. WALL ‘EM BACK UP!
CRAZY MONK: HEY!
RICH ROMAN GUY: Traitors! Heretics! Rome will send an army and then you’ll be sorry!
ARTHUR: Oh yeah? WE’RE IT, so—aww, hell, what are you freaks doing now?
SOME GUY: *is suspended from chains*
SERF GUY: Uh, Mr. Arturius, sir, the Rich Roman Guy hung him up there because he said that we should keep more of the harvest instead of selling all of it and going hungry.
ARTHUR: Cut him down!
SERFS: *gape*
ARTHUR: I SAID CUT HIM DOWN!
SERF GUY: The Romans don’t let us have sharp things.
ARTHUR: GAHHHH. *cuts Some Guy down* You’re all free! Free—
SAXON DRUMS: *thunder ominously*
ARTHUR: —to get the shit out of here. Damn, they’re close.
SERF GUY: Let me serve you! I want to fight!
ARTHUR: Shpfff. I’m not letting you have sharp things, either. You wanna serve? Pack everybody up, we’re movin’ out.
LANCELOT: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
TRISTAN: Dude, I don’t think we can make it with all of them.
ARTHUR: Tough shit. Move ‘em on out!
Flaming Villa Romana, Later That Day
CERDIC: How do you feel about betraying your people?
TRAITOR SERF: In that I’m not getting gutted and raped and burninated too? Pretty good, actually.
CERDIC: Touché. But you’re not betraying them enough, because they all escaped. Where’d they go?
TRAITOR SERF: Probably up the mountains to the lake . . . .? Oh, and I heard some Arthur guy is with them. Total badass, never lost a battle, walks on water, etc.
CERDIC: Hmph.
Scenes from a Traveling Caravan
GUINEVEIRA [clinging]: They tortured me . . . ! With machines . . . ! And then you came . . . ! And saved me . . . !
ARTHUR: Sure, whatever. Hey, lady, you got any athelas?
RICH ROMAN LADY: The hell . . . ?
ARTHUR: Do I have to do everything around here? Look, babe--they severely fucked up your fingers back there, and you're totally going to need them in about fifteen minutes, so I'm going to have to reset them or relocate them or something, okay?
GUINEVEIRA: . . .
GUINEVEIRA'S FINGER: *crrrrrack*
GUINEVEIRA: !!!!!
GUINEVEIRA'S OTHER FINGER: *crrrrrunch*
GUINEVEIRA: !@#$@#!#$!@!
ARTHUR: You okay?
GUINEVEIRA [weakly]: I'm Guinevere. You're Arthur. *passes out*
ARTHUR: Thanks for clearing that up, babe.
* * *
GUINEVEIRA: Hey, baby! Hey baby, you so fine, baby!
ARTHUR: *keeps riding*
GUINEVEIRA: I've heard lots of stories about you, about how you're a big strong killative man.
ARTHUR: *keeps riding*
GUINEVEIRA: Hey, can I borrow a cup of sex?
ARTHUR: *rides away*
GUINEVEIRA: DAMMIT.
* * *
TRISTAN: Hey, I still have a hawk.
* * *
Lancelot stumbles across the Roman lady bathing Guinevere in the wagon. In the snow. With the one transparent piece of fabric in the whole caravan draped across as a screen.
GUINEVEIRA: Hey, Sir Sexalot! Join in or buzz off!
LANCELOT: *runs away*
GUINEVEIRA: WILL NO ONE HELP OUT A HORNY WOAD?
Forest of Mystical Mistiness
GUINEVEIRA puts on a cloak of
ARTHUR: Hey baby, you clean up pretty good.
MERLIN [stepping out of mist]: Hi.
ARTHUR: OMGWTF you betrayed me!
GUINEVEIRA: Look, I just went out for a walk. You're the one stalking my ass, pal.
MERLIN: So about these Saxons—
ARTHUR: Look, Papa Smurf, I’m a Roman and Romans hate Woads.
MERLIN: But the Saxons—
ARTHUR: WOADS KILLED MY MOTHER!
MERLIN: Oh, come on, now you’re just pulling things out of your ass.
ARTHUR: YOU KILLED HER!
MERLIN: Oh, yeah . . . yeah, I kinda did.
Flaming Flashback
Merlin’s Woads are burninating—yea, verily, even the thatched-roof cottages —and Arthur’s mother is shrieking. Arthur, who looks about eight years old going on five, runs to his father’s grave and heaves the sword sticking out of the burial mound amid great flashes of fire and importance.
ANTOINE FUQUA: *steals Ridley Scott’s Dramatic Shaky Slo-Mo right out from under him*
Young Arthur is too late to save his mother and the whole place goes up in flames.
YOUNG ARTHUR: NOOOOOOO!!!
Forest of Mystical Mistiness
ARTHUR: . . . And the lambs NEVER STOPPED SCREAMING!
MERLIN: Arthur, your mother was a Briton like us. I mean, it kind of sucks that we killed her, too, but you see what I'm saying. You're one of us.
ARTHUR: Fuck you.
MERLIN: See? Right down to the Middle English swearwords. Your British mother's love
ARTHUR: Really? Huh.
GUINEVEIRA: Wow, you got over that fast.
Campus Caravanus, Early the Next Morning
Rich Roman Guy grabs The Girliest Kid Ever and tries to stage a coup with his guards.
DAGONET: NOOOOOO! NOT THE GIRLIEST KID EVER!
GUINEVEIRA [appearing with bow]: Drop. That. Kid.
RICH ROMAN GUY: Weren’t your fingers, like, broken or something fifteen minutes ago?
GUINEVERE: *shoots him*
ROMAN GUARDS: AHHHHH! WE KEEL YOU!
Right on schedule, Arthur and the knights step out of the woods.
ARTHUR: Not unless you want some Dark Ages stabnation, you won’t.
LANCELOT: I have two swords!
ARTHUR: Now get back in the caravan.
ROMAN GUARDS: *shrug*
GUINEVEIRA: Hey, what were you guys doing out in the woods?
LANCELOT: . . .
GAWAIN: . . .
ARTHUR: . . .
GUINEVEIRA: Fine, keep your little orgies to yourselves, be that way.
DAGONET [changing the subject]: Hey, where'd you learn to shoot like that?
GUINEVEIRA: Well, there was this really cute guy who wanted to be a pirate, and . . . look, it's a long story.
Back on the Road
ARTHUR: Hey, I'm sorry about the Woad chick killing your father and all.
ALECTO: Yeah, well, he sucked anyway. Except for the part about everyone being our slaves, he was right about that.
ARTHUR: No he wasn't.
ALECTO: Yuh-huh.
ARTHUR: Nuh-uh.
ALECTO: Yuh -huh.
ARTHUR: Nuh-uh.
ALECTO: Yuh -huh.
ARTHUR: Nuh-uh.
ALECTO: Hey, Rome says so too!
ARTHUR: Look, my mentor and father figure Pelagius back in Rome was all about how men are equal and free.
ALECTO: Dude, they excommunicated that guy and stoned him to death. Didn't you hear?
ARTHUR: OMGWTF.
Lake Badidea
SAXON DRUMS: *THUNDER!*
ARTHUR: Okay. Executive decision. The Saxons are just about up our ass. We have to cross this frozen lake.
TRISTAN: This is a bad idea, dude.
ARTHUR: Look, talk to me when those ghetto bangs of yours come up with a better idea.
TRISTAN: . . .
ARTHUR: . . .
TRISTAN: Everybody across the lake!
FROZEN LAKE: *crrrrrrrrrrack*
ARTHUR: Everyone out of the wagons and spread out!
FROZEN LAKE: *crrrr-rrrrr-ack*
ARTHUR: I SAID SPREAD OUT, DAMMIT! WHY DO I HAVE TO SAY EVERYTHING TWICE?
SAXON DRUMS: *pound ominously*
ARTHUR: Serf Guy, keep those peasants rollin’. We’ll stay here and fight off the Saxons. All seven of us.
GUINEVEIRA [appearing with bow]: Eight! I'll fight with you, even though my fingers were completely broken twenty minutes ago.
LANCELOT: Wow, you got over that fast.
GUINEVEIRA: Shut up, Lancehot. Hey, could someone get me some sleeves or something?
SERF GUY: The Romans wouldn't let us have sleeves.
GUINEVEIRA: DAMMIT.
The Saxons Approach
CYNRIC: See if they’re within shooting range.
THE SAXONS: *shoot*
THE ARROWS: *fall at the knights’ feet*
CYNRIC: So I guess they’re not, then.
THE KNIGHTS: *pick up their bows and take out a dozen Saxons*
GUINEVEIRA: Damn, yo.
LANCELOT: You know, there’s a lot of lonely men over there.
GUINEVEIRA: Don’t worry. Your ass is mine, candypants.
The Saxons: Still Approaching
ARTHUR: Shoot the flanks! Drive them to the middle!
FROZEN LAKE: *crrrrrrrrrrack*
ARTHUR: SHOOT THEM HARDER!
GAWAIN: We’re shooting, we’re shooting!
FROZEN LAKE: *crrrr-rrrrr-ack*
ARTHUR: Aw, hell, it’s not working!
FROZEN LAKE: *crrrack?*
DAGONET: *runs out and starts chopping the ice*
BORS: DAGONET, NOOOOOO!
DAGONET: *ARROWED!*
BORS: NOOOOOO!
FROZEN LAKE: *CRACK CRACK CRACKCRACKCRACK SPLOOOOSH! *
BORS AND ARTHUR: *race the breaking ice to drag Dagonet back to the shore*
THOUSANDS OF SAXONS: We drown! We freeze!
ARTHUR: Oh my one brave knight!
THE KNIGHTS: *sniffle*
THOUSANDS OF SAXONS: AHHHHHHH! HELP US!
CYNRIC: Oh my one brave ENTIRE ARMY!
BORS: And he only had eight days until retirement!
THE KNIGHTS: WAAAAAA!
(To be continued in post 2...)
