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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Mar 30, 2009 7:31:43 GMT -1
;D
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Post by CHOPPER READ on Apr 3, 2009 8:21:38 GMT -1
What is the difference between cancer and a cow?
Jade Goody couldn't milk a cow.
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on Apr 3, 2009 10:45:18 GMT -1
One of Kay's male mates' girlfriend blew some guy in the toilets of a bar while he waited for her - her apology email is first followed by his response.
Brad, It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being p*ssed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something.
The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behaviour didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it.
I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you won't. If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great. Can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was not that and you are not done with me.
Please don't cut me off, I really don't think I can handle that. I am so sorry. Elizabeth
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Dear Elizabeth, Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about". You did a stupid thing huh? No... doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar. To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't love him" somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday.
Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill come-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child p*rn collector. I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's seeing someone else and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men's room.
The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened. By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.
PS. I BCC'd about 100 people on this email. Talk to you never, Brad
KPMG Executive Corporate Finance - Valuations>
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Post by CHOPPER READ on Apr 3, 2009 15:54:37 GMT -1
Little boys says "Mummy,why did Jade Goody die?"
Mum says "Because she had cancer and she was a fat, pig ugly, foul mouthed C*nt"
Kids says "Has Wayne Rooney got cancer?"
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on Apr 6, 2009 11:10:27 GMT -1
Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!' Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.' He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!' Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! ' They downed their drinks.
Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.' The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out! They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!' Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in."
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Apr 7, 2009 10:09:50 GMT -1
I heard an Italian woman covered in dust saying to the reporter "I just thank God I'm alive."
I hope she remembered to thank her kind hearted imaginary friend for sending the earthquake in the first place.
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Post by Bones on Apr 12, 2009 11:42:23 GMT -1
My nervous girlfriend told me she wanted a rape alarm. At 6am the next morning i taped her mouth and hands up before she could wake up, banged her up the arse, then whispered in her ear 'Darling, its time to get up for work'.
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Apr 21, 2009 16:20:26 GMT -1
Stephen Hawking's doctors must be so incompetent!
Have they even tried pressing Control Alt Delete yet?
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Post by Bones on May 1, 2009 21:55:36 GMT -1
According to the tabloids, online child pornography is geting worse. I agree, Nowadays, the images are so grainy you can't even make out the bruises. Sorry
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on May 3, 2009 14:09:20 GMT -1
Stephen Hawking can finally achieve an erection now that doctors have disabled his pop-up blocker.
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Post by derbiean on May 3, 2009 14:46:09 GMT -1
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Post by crawleyred on May 3, 2009 17:40:56 GMT -1
Stephen Hawking can finally achieve an erection now that doctors have disabled his pop-up blocker. thats class ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by Teesside White on May 12, 2009 10:50:32 GMT -1
What have Gary Glitter and Ricky Hatton got in common?
They both got taken down after trying to do a little Filipino in the ring
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on May 21, 2009 17:13:17 GMT -1
Thick walls. Plenty of space. Naked kids. No consequences.
Carlsberg don't do homosexual paedophile rapist colonies with an unlimited supply of virgin boys.
But The Church does.
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Post by derbiean on May 23, 2009 21:33:08 GMT -1
;D
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on May 27, 2009 11:09:27 GMT -1
An Irish man was banging a Jewish girl and said to her "You're not very tight for a Jew?"
She said "You're not very thick for a Paddy" ;D
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Jun 16, 2009 18:04:55 GMT -1
What have the Conservatives and the Atlantic got in common?
They both gained 200 seats last week
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Post by HURLOCK on Jun 16, 2009 18:46:27 GMT -1
Q: How do you make a Harvey Wallbanger?
A: Move the furniture around at Jordans house
;D
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Post by HURLOCK on Jun 17, 2009 6:59:40 GMT -1
Sipping her drink, the single 20-year-old girl leered and said, "Last Friday,. At the end of the work, I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"
The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"
The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'"
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on Jun 17, 2009 11:22:36 GMT -1
Q: How do you make a Harvey Wallbanger? A: Move the furniture around at Jordans house ;D
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