|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Apr 25, 2007 22:44:11 GMT -1
One day little Johnny he had to go to the bathroom so he raised his hand and asked the teacher "can I go to the bathroom." she said no.
Then 5 mins later he raised his hand and said "damit I have to piss can I go to the bathroom."She said "no not with that mouth."She said now go to the corner and say your a,b,c's.frontwords and backwards.
He went to the corner and said "a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o,q,r,s,t,u,v,w,x,y,z"
Then he said "z,y,x,w,v,u,t,s,r,q,o,n,m,l,k,j,i,h,g,f,e,d,c,b,a"
Then she said "Where is the p."
Little Johnny said "Running down my leg."
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on May 18, 2007 21:38:29 GMT -1
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on May 25, 2007 22:46:18 GMT -1
A woman goes to her doctor's office,to discuss a strange development. She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh. They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back. A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor.
She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem.
But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"
The woman stammers, "Why, Yes, but how did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
|
|
|
Post by CmonYouSpurs on May 26, 2007 15:14:28 GMT -1
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,
only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning, "said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a real good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Sept 28, 2007 22:01:31 GMT -1
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?
'The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.'
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Nov 15, 2007 22:38:32 GMT -1
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
|
|
|
Post by thales on Nov 28, 2007 21:02:44 GMT -1
funningly have heard this joke from loads this month ;D
|
|
|
Post by CHOPPER READ on Nov 28, 2007 21:07:51 GMT -1
Bloke walks into a pub and orders a stiff doublr whiskey. Barman says "What's the problem?" My eldest son has just come out as being gay"
Following week he is back. "Give me another stiff double"
"Now what is the matter?"
"My youngest son has come out now!!"
Following week he is back,this time the barman asks"Does anyone in your family like pussy?"
"Yes" says the bloke "The wife"
|
|
|
Post by thales on Nov 28, 2007 21:11:06 GMT -1
PMSL chops
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Nov 28, 2007 21:19:20 GMT -1
Bloke walks into a pub and orders a stiff doublr whiskey. Barman says "What's the problem?" My eldest son has just come out as being gay" Following week he is back. "Give me another stiff double" "Now what is the matter?" "My youngest son has come out now!!" Following week he is back,this time the barman asks"Does anyone in your family like pussy?" "Yes" says the bloke "The wife" ;D ;D ;D Top one!!
|
|
|
Post by CHOPPER READ on Nov 28, 2007 21:23:35 GMT -1
Paddy on death row has chance to be shot,electric chair or AIDS injection for a slow horrid death. He says "Give me that AIDS stuff but 2 shots just to make sure. They inject him twice and he rolls on the floor laughing. Warden says "What's so funny?" Paddy says "I'm wearing a condom you daft fuckers!"
|
|
|
Post by CHOPPER READ on Nov 28, 2007 21:28:01 GMT -1
Blonde lass goes into PC World and asks for some curtains for her computer. Assistant says "You don't need curtains for a computer"
Blonde says "Hellooooo it's got windows"
|
|
|
Post by CHOPPER READ on Nov 28, 2007 21:32:20 GMT -1
Son says to dad,"Ive just had sex for the first time"
"Congrats" says dad getting two beers out the fridge "Got any questions?"
"Yes,when will my arse stop hurting?"
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Nov 28, 2007 21:34:28 GMT -1
Blonde lass goes into PC World and asks for some curtains for her computer. Assistant says "You don't need curtains for a computer" Blonde says "Hellooooo it's got windows" Superb! ;D I've just texted that to my missus who's working tonight! She's blonde and useless with computers so I'm sure she'll appreciate it ;D
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Dec 5, 2007 22:18:23 GMT -1
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
|
|
|
Post by thales on Dec 6, 2007 14:49:31 GMT -1
A man and woman are married for years, he's mad about celtic goes to every game, house painted green and white, all pictures, etc are of celtic.... celtic celtic celtic celtic mad!
this has lead to numerous arguements over the years as he missed christians, wedding etc
after another heated arguement about his beloved celtic
the wife finally has enough and says
" it's always celtic with you, you love them more than me?"
the man replies
" love celtic more, i love rangers more than you"
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Dec 6, 2007 22:35:24 GMT -1
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
|
|
|
Post by Pete the Wolf on Dec 10, 2007 17:26:12 GMT -1
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words:
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
|
|
|
Post by Pete the Wolf on Dec 22, 2007 10:00:54 GMT -1
The greatest hazards on todays roads are those under 21 driving over 65 and those over 65 driving under 21.
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Jan 18, 2008 21:43:01 GMT -1
After a hard rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five-year-old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into one of the water holes.
As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother was running toward them in a panic.
"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?" she said, as she shook the older boy's shoulders in anger, combined with relief.
"We were just playing church mommy," he said.
"And I was just baptizing him. You know, 'In the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole he goes.'"
|
|