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Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 2, 2006 18:53:42 GMT -1
You might to think about some of these - more so if you're a bit pissed  For example: Nothing in the world is more expensive than a woman who's totally free for the weekend! |
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 2, 2006 18:54:37 GMT -1
Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
;D
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 2, 2006 18:55:35 GMT -1
A young man once asked God how long a million years was to him.
God replied, "A million years to me is just like a single second to you."
The young man asked God what a million dollars was to him.
God replied, "A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to you."
Then the young man got his courage up and asked, "God, could I have one of your pennies?"
God smiled and replied, "Certainly, just a second."
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 2, 2006 21:57:34 GMT -1
A man calls in to work.
"I can't come in today."
The boss says, "Why what's wrong?"
"My doctor says I have Anal Glaucoma."
Again the boss asks, "What the hell's Anal Glaucoma?"
"I don't see my ass coming in today"
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 2, 2006 22:29:30 GMT -1
Two drunks are walking along.
One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."
The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. "You're wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."
They began to argue when they come upon another drunk. They asked, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"
The third drunk looked at the sky and said, "Sorry, I don't live round here."
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Post by Mrs H on Mar 3, 2006 12:13:53 GMT -1
A dog walks into a telegram office and asks to send a telegram.
"The message is woof,woof,woof,woof, woof"
The cashier said "Would you like to add another woof for the same price sir?"
"But it wouldn't make any sense then!"
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Post by Stan on Mar 3, 2006 12:16:05 GMT -1
A dog walks into a telegram office and asks to send a telegram. "The message is woof,woof,woof,woof, woof" The cashier said "Would you like to add another woof for the same price sir?" "But it wouldn't make any sense then!" :Dlol |
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Post by C@V on Mar 3, 2006 12:17:39 GMT -1
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU GUYS KILL ME MAN, YOU KILL ME!
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 3, 2006 21:36:53 GMT -1
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barbers chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 3, 2006 21:44:02 GMT -1
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
Yes, yes, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
Good" said the first bat, "because I fucking didn't."
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 3, 2006 21:48:19 GMT -1
A guy and his date were parked on a back road way out of town. Things started to heat up and he began to undo her dress. "I probably should have mentioned this before," she said, "but I'm a prostitute and if you want to have sex with me, it will cost you £20."
The geezer wasn't very happy, but he paid up (as you do). Afterwards, he got dressed but just sat in the driver's seat without starting the engine.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the woman.
"I probably should have mentioned this before," he replied, "but I'm a taxi driver and if you want to get back to town, it will cost you £30!"
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 4, 2006 20:33:51 GMT -1
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
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Post by MRMILLWALL on Mar 4, 2006 20:58:28 GMT -1
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan." Pissed as i am Roast, this joke creased me. ;D |
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 4, 2006 21:33:18 GMT -1
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan." Pissed as i am Roast, this joke creased me. ;D I laughed when I typed that one in too! I always laugh more when I'm pissed - even if it isn't funny! |
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 4, 2006 21:36:25 GMT -1
One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud. She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure. She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered.
Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400 pound, 6'8" hairy biker- looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"
The biker answers, "I'm Cess."
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 8, 2006 17:09:45 GMT -1
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says It for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of." I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They had just finished their chat when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest fucking Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground, strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "Ahem ... You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of - if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their Young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his Horns, and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Shit, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm A bull!"
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 9, 2006 18:29:30 GMT -1
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done."
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 15, 2006 18:51:45 GMT -1
"It was just a simple misunderstanding, your honor," testified the man charged with indecent exposure.
"Explain that statement!" demanded the judge.
"Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman, so I showed her."
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 17, 2006 23:30:36 GMT -1
An oriental couple, who owned a chinese restaurant, were fast asleep, when all of a sudden the wife sits bolt upright in bed and exclaims, "I want a number 69, RIGHT NOW!!!"
Her husband wearily looks at her and queries, "Ahhh - why you want beef with broccoli this time a night???"
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 18, 2006 13:02:22 GMT -1
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my
husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
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Forever without exception. x
