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Post by Katiekins on Jul 22, 2006 20:45:08 GMT -1
My mums new boyfriend is a man u fan  yes i know! Anyway we have a thing going on so any jokes about Man U would be greatly appreciated thankyou ;D |
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Post by leedstillidie on Jul 22, 2006 22:29:27 GMT -1
Manchester United have apparently set up a call centre for fans who are troubled by their current form.
The number is 0800 10 10 10.
Calls charged at peak rate for overseas users.
Once again the number is
0800 won nothing won nothing won nothing.
lol lol
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Post by leedstillidie on Jul 22, 2006 22:30:48 GMT -1
What do you call a Man Utd season ticket holder?
Scenery...
;D
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Post by leedstillidie on Jul 22, 2006 22:33:36 GMT -1
What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs Prison?
They are both full of cockneys trying to get out
;D
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Post by leedstillidie on Jul 22, 2006 22:34:33 GMT -1
Michael Barrymore has offered Manchester United £1 million pounds to play as their striker because he wants 10 pricks behind him and 67,000 assholes jumping up and down.
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Post by leedstillidie on Jul 22, 2006 22:35:34 GMT -1
What's the difference between a Man-U fan and a Vibrator
A Man U fan is a real dick
;D
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Post by mgjscfc on Jul 23, 2006 7:23:06 GMT -1
How many Man U fans does it take to pave up a driveway?
Depends how thin you slice them.
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Post by mgjscfc on Jul 23, 2006 7:23:59 GMT -1
What would you call a pregnant Man United fan?
A dope carrier.
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Post by mgjscfc on Jul 23, 2006 7:24:35 GMT -1
What do you call a Manchester United fan with half a brain?.
Gifted!!
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Post by mgjscfc on Jul 23, 2006 7:25:21 GMT -1
What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and God?
God doesn't think he's Alex Ferguson.
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Post by mgjscfc on Jul 23, 2006 7:26:13 GMT -1
Sir Alex is queuing in his local building society, when a gunman bursts in through the door demanding money. Ferguson attempts to tackle the raider, but gets knocked over...as he falls, his head smashes the counter and Sir Alex is out cold. The robber escapes and the cashier tries to revive Ferguson. After a few minutes he comes round and looks bewildered. His first words are "Where the hell am I?". The Cashier replies: "don't worry, its ok, you're in the Nationwide." Ferguson replies, "F**k me, is it May already?"
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Post by mgjscfc on Jul 23, 2006 7:26:30 GMT -1
All them and Man U is my second team!!!.
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Post by The Lucky C on Jul 23, 2006 9:01:46 GMT -1
A Leeds Fan, a Liverpool fan and a Man u fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Leeds fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Leeds fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done. The scouser was next up and after watching the scene, said:" Please fix two pillows on my back, under my dress" But even two pillows & 1 dress could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The Manc was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your city and football team is known throughout the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The manc replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100
lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks.
"Please tie the Scouser to my back."
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Post by Katiekins on Jul 23, 2006 9:09:37 GMT -1
LOL. These are funny keep em coming!  |
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Post by The Lucky C on Jul 23, 2006 9:16:36 GMT -1
2 man Utd fans in London (at Home) walked past a shop and saw the sign- Shirts 50p Trousers £1.
One said 'great value! lets buy some.'
Other says 'don't let them know we're Man u fans or they'll try to rip us off.' So they hide their scarves.
They entered shop and asked for 6 shirts each & 6 pairs of trousers each.
The assistant asked "are you Man u fans" to which they replied "yes".
He said 'bugger off this is a launderette.' --------
#################
A van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Manchester United fan he would see strutting down the side of the road in their ubiquitous red colours. He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Priest "where are you going, Father?",
"I'm going to say mass at St. Joseph's church, about 2 miles down the road" replied the priest.
"No problem Father! I'll give you a lift"! climb in!"
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road. Suddenly the driver saw a Manchester United fan walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the bloody priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the scum bastard. However even though he was certain he missed the glory-hunting shite, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything he turned to the priest and said
"I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that Manchester United fan,
"That's okay" replied the priest. "I got the fucker with the door!"
###################
and one slightly out of date one...
What would David Beckham's name be if he was a spice girl?
Waste of Spice
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Post by cujo on Jul 23, 2006 9:26:39 GMT -1
Wayne Rooney and Rio are sitting in the pub with their dog and this guy comes in and lifts up the dog's tail, looks underneath it and then leaves. Wayne and Rio are bemused by this but continue to enjoy their drinks.
Then another guy comes in and does the same thing, looks under the dog's tail and then leaves. When a third guy comes in and starts to do the same thing, Wayne stops him and asks "hold on mate. you are the third person to do that. What are you doing?"
The guy says "There is a man outside who says that there is a dog in here with 2 arseholes."
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Post by leedstillidie on Jul 23, 2006 11:22:30 GMT -1
What do you get if you see a Manchester United fan buried up to his neck in sand
More sand.
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Post by leedstillidie on Jul 23, 2006 11:23:14 GMT -1
Which three league teams have swear words in their names
Scunthorpe United, Arsenal and f**king Manchester United.
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Post by leedstillidie on Jul 23, 2006 11:24:42 GMT -1
Top tip for Manchester United fans: don't waste money on expensive new kits every season. Simply strap a large inflatable penis to your forehead, and everyone will immediately know which team you support.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by The Lucky C on Jul 23, 2006 11:42:43 GMT -1
Three Liverpool Supporters were in a pub and spotted a United fan at the bar. The first one said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the United fan and tapped him on the shoulder.
"Hey Manc, I hear your Wayne Rooney is a poof".
"Really? I didn't know that".
Puzzled, the Scouser walked back to his buddies.
"I told him Rooney was a poof and he didn't care"!
"You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn".
The second Scouser walked over and tapped the United fan on the shoulder.
"Hey Manc, I hear your Wayne Rooney is a transvestite poof"!
"Oh, Christ I wasn't aware of that, thanks".
Shocked beyond belief, the Scouser went back to his buddies.
"You're right. He is unshakeable!"
The third Scouser said "No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch".
The Scouser walked over to the United fan, tapped him on the shoulder and said.........
"Hey Manc I hear your Wayne Rooney is a Liverpool Supporter!"
"Apparently so. Just as your mates said earlier"
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yes i know! Anyway we have a thing going on so any jokes about Man U would be greatly appreciated thankyou ;D
