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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Aug 21, 2009 9:43:43 GMT -1
A friend of mine feels stupid because he always cries during sex. But that's pepper spray for you
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Post by Teesside White on Aug 31, 2009 16:32:27 GMT -1
Whats blue and sits at the bottom of my garden?
My N**ger.............
And because he's mine i can paint him whatever colour i want
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Sept 16, 2009 12:02:21 GMT -1
Selling Bourbon Biscuits for 49p a pack?
That's ASDA Price.
Selling pathetic rape claim stories to the Sun?
That's Katie Price.
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Sept 16, 2009 12:02:49 GMT -1
My best mate is entering the X-Factor this year and I wanted to give him all the help and support I can.
So I've killed his mum.
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Sept 16, 2009 14:09:13 GMT -1
A Jew walks into Asda with his cock out and says to the checkout girl
"I bet you cant roll that back" ;D
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Oct 2, 2009 17:18:36 GMT -1
You’ve got to feel sorry for Dame Ellen MacArthur: all that effort and sacrifice to break the world record for sailing round the world single-handed, then BANG! One earthquake and tsunami and her record's gone to some bloke from Samoa on a deckchair!
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Oct 6, 2009 20:30:22 GMT -1
A cure has been found for homosexuality..........
lipbalm
You rub it on your arsehole and it keeps the chaps away
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on Oct 8, 2009 11:12:38 GMT -1
I have just had a call from a Charity, asking me to donate some of my clothes to starving Africans.
I told them to F**ck off!!
Anybody who fits into my clothes is not starving!!
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Oct 15, 2009 7:32:58 GMT -1
After a wild night of drinking, Stephen Gately and his hubby decide to play a sex game, Stephen says i'll put a plastic bag over my head for 3 minutes and you time me with your new watch. Turns out he had bought the watch of Alex Ferguson
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on Oct 17, 2009 18:07:36 GMT -1
Mozza was shopping at the local supermarket where he came across a young girl crying, so Mozza asked "are you ok? What's the matter?
The girl replied "people keep making Stephen Gately jokes and it's really upsetting me"
Mozza said "I wouldn't worry about what other people say, 'It's only words.............'
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Post by DTR on Oct 22, 2009 9:51:00 GMT -1
Complete waste of a tenner on pay per view!!! turns out "Jordan - look at my dribbling C*nt" was just a video of Harvey's birthday party.
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Post by DTR on Oct 22, 2009 9:52:22 GMT -1
Jordan has told her new fella she wants a white wedding...He said "suits me that little fucker Harvey gives me the creeps
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Post by Pete the Wolf on Oct 22, 2009 13:44:37 GMT -1
A girl in a bar said to me, "I wouldn't s**g you if you were the last person alive."
Leaning over and whispering, I replied, "But who would be around to stop me?"
Wiped the smug look off her face.
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Oct 23, 2009 10:23:26 GMT -1
Just seen a Downs Syndrome lad posting some leaflets through the doors in my street.
Good to see Royal Mail are still getting the special deliveries done despite the strike.
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Oct 29, 2009 18:47:50 GMT -1
I see the Michael Jackson film has been rated PG.
Even after he's gone he can't be trusted alone with kids.
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Post by Teesside White on Nov 3, 2009 16:43:27 GMT -1
A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
"Then it was just a matter of switching the heads"
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Nov 5, 2009 20:39:04 GMT -1
Finsbury Park Mosque are having a bonfire tonight. Dont tell them though, it's a surprise!!
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Dec 15, 2009 9:19:50 GMT -1
An ex-prostitue is getting married. As the couple get into the Honeymoon bed she starts to worry about the size of her well-worn C*nt.
She tells her new hubby she "caught it on a fence".
After an hour in bed with her, he asks "Just how far across the fucking field were you before you realised you got it caught?".
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Dec 24, 2009 8:44:42 GMT -1
Took my wife to hospital for tests the other day. The Consultant said to me “She’s either got Alzheimer’s or AIDS, we can’t determine which”.
“Well what do I do?” I asked.
“After you leave here, drop her off two miles from your house and if she comes home, don’t fuck her”.
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Post by MozzaBedfordSpur on Dec 30, 2009 17:27:25 GMT -1
What do you call a girl who begs you to do her in the ass on a one-night-stand?
A pre-op transsexual
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