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Post by Mrs H on Mar 3, 2006 12:28:22 GMT -1
I got modded on 606 for putting this up but I think you lot will apprieciate it! Why Football Grounds Are Like Women 1. there is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of play 2. pitches vary from the well grassed to the completley bald 3. remember, it is possible to score at both ends 4. tackling from behind is not always an offence, check with ground owner 5. be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of premiership standard, but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground 6. only some grounds offer five a side facilities 7. dont ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention pitches previosly visited 8. extra time is dependant on subsequent pitch bookings 9. if the ground does not seem to have undersoil heating, suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact a coroner 10. when building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back 11. wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles 12. always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel, do not expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnell to the goal mouth and score. that can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground 13. personal morals may be compromised by local derbies 14. it is illegal to play on small,unturfed pitches 15. from time to time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbant goalie 16. Bulgarian grounds are frequently more grassy 17. French grounds are frequently very nice too look at, however there can be sometimes an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed down as often as they should 18. very few grounds are found with executive boxes 19. be wary of grounds with room for coaches 20. always be on the lookout for grounds that host ladies footy two evenings a week 21. pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if u piss the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead 22. players must agree personal terms with the club before being allowed to play on the turf 23. always look for a ground that has never been played on before (or at least hasn't had many visits). that said, well used grounds may have better facilities and will really know how to get the best out of a player
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Post by Stan on Mar 3, 2006 12:31:53 GMT -1
I got modded on 606 for putting this up but I think you lot will apprieciate it! Why Football Grounds Are Like Women 1. there is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of play 2. pitches vary from the well grassed to the completley bald 3. remember, it is possible to score at both ends 4. tackling from behind is not always an offence, check with ground owner 5. be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of premiership standard, but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground 6. only some grounds offer five a side facilities 7. dont ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention pitches previosly visited 8. extra time is dependant on subsequent pitch bookings 9. if the ground does not seem to have undersoil heating, suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact a coroner 10. when building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back 11. wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles 12. always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel, do not expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnell to the goal mouth and score. that can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground 13. personal morals may be compromised by local derbies 14. it is illegal to play on small,unturfed pitches 15. from time to time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbant goalie 16. Bulgarian grounds are frequently more grassy 17. French grounds are frequently very nice too look at, however there can be sometimes an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed down as often as they should 18. very few grounds are found with executive boxes 19. be wary of grounds with room for coaches 20. always be on the lookout for grounds that host ladies footy two evenings a week 21. pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if u piss the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead 22. players must agree personal terms with the club before being allowed to play on the turf 23. always look for a ground that has never been played on before (or at least hasn't had many visits). that said, well used grounds may have better facilities and will really know how to get the best out of a player truly genius mrsh... i'd exalt you some more if the korma delivery man would hurry up.... ;D
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Post by Mrs H on Mar 3, 2006 13:04:58 GMT -1
If Championship Clubs were Women
Fill in the blanks
Reading – Sienna Miller New hot thing on the block. Bit shallow. Looks good though and should rise to fame.
Sheffield United -Mariah Carey Occasionally interesting, frequently annoying. Supporters are just a set of boobs.
Watford – Liz Hurley Tried may times to become famous, likes to spend time with Elton, likes strange men.(Graham Taylor)
Leeds United- Joan Collins Used to look good, but living on past glories.
Crystal Palace - Angelina Jolie Looks good and you know they have the potential to really screw you over
Preston
Wolverhampton Wanderers - Barbara Windsor Been laughing at those t*ts so long we forget that once upon a time they actually looked quite good
Cardiff – Charlotte Church Bit rough. Welsh.
Ipswich
Luton - Sophie Ellis Bextor
Individually all the components look fantastic - just doesn't work when put together.
Coventry
Norwich
QPR- Martine McCutcheon Chirpy Cockney with the ability to spring a few surprises
Burnley - Andrea Corr Not bad to look at but not much to her. Seems a bit awestruck with fame
Plymouth
Stoke- Natalie ImbrugliaMen hope she might go down but never does
Southampton - Paris HiltonJust turns up to occassion. Doesn't seem to serve any purpose. Has some money now.
Hull
Derby
Leicester City - Patsy Palmer Generally a bit crap and second rate really, but some people like her
Sheffield Wednesday - Victoria Beckham Used to have a successful career, looks a bit depleated now. Surviving on fresh air.
Millwall - Christina Aguillera Can look good. Various unsavoury elements though. Bit Dirrty
Brighton
Crewe- Kylie MinogueSometimes you feel sorry for them, they’re not huge and you've got a bit of a soft spot for them.
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Post by Ninja Squirrel on Mar 3, 2006 13:22:01 GMT -1
Brighton Chantelle from Big brother Shouldn't really be there
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Post by Mrs H on Mar 3, 2006 13:24:20 GMT -1
Afternoon Ninj.
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Post by Ninja Squirrel on Mar 3, 2006 13:25:10 GMT -1
Hi mrs h you well?
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Post by Mrs H on Mar 3, 2006 13:26:00 GMT -1
Bit bored, hence the new game.
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Post by Ninja Squirrel on Mar 3, 2006 13:27:24 GMT -1
Ahh I see
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 3, 2006 13:56:09 GMT -1
They were very good mrsh!
I'm totally bored too - but I'm logging off and pissing of home via the pub ;D
Ta Ta
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Post by mrdragon on Mar 3, 2006 14:41:49 GMT -1
Plymouth Argyle. - The arctic monkeys. Have a dedicated band of followers that think they are the greatest thing on the planet, but nobody else can see why they are popular.
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Post by MRMILLWALL on Mar 25, 2006 18:08:56 GMT -1
A man and his wife went to the ticket office at Plymouth football ground and, handing over a £20 note, said "Two, please."
"Thank you," said the man at the ticket office. "Would you like the goalkeeper and the centre forward, or are there two other players you'd like to buy instead?"
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 25, 2006 18:11:31 GMT -1
Know a few greens who'll find that offensive - but they'll realise it's true though
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Post by saintrich on Mar 25, 2006 18:13:17 GMT -1
hahaha errrr whats red white and brown? shitty saints
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Post by MRMILLWALL on Apr 4, 2006 14:11:13 GMT -1
A primary school teacher starts a new job on Merseyside. Hoping to make a good impression, she tells her class she is a Liverpool fan and asks the students to raise their hands if they too support the Reds. Everyone raises his or her hand apart from one girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Let me guess, Mary, you support Everton, right?" "Nope, I support Manchester United." Mary replies. The teacher can't believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a United fan?" "Because my Mum and Dad are from Manchester, and they both support United." "Well," says the teacher. "That's no reason for you to be a United fan. You don't have to copy your parents. What if your mother was a prostitute, and your father was a drug addict, what would you be then?" "I'd be a Liverpool fan."
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Post by MRMILLWALL on Apr 4, 2006 14:15:34 GMT -1
Q: How many Manchester Utd. fans does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to change the bulb, one to buy the "1999 light bulb changing" commemorative T-shirt and video, and one to drive the other two back to Torquay.
Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? A: They had pictures of Man United players on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Q: If you see a Manchester United Fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a Manchester United Fan from Manchester, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a 10 note. Who gets it? A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
Q: What do you have when 100 Manchester United Fans are buried up to their neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.
Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a Manchester United Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? A: Shoot the United Fan. Twice.
Q: What is the difference between a Manchester United Fan and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline
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Post by MRMILLWALL on Apr 4, 2006 14:28:28 GMT -1
Teacher to class-- what dose your dad do at the weekends? little jack- he's a dancer in a gay bar and sometimes if the moneys right he lets punters bang his ares and come in his mouth. Teacher pulled little jack aside after class. Teacher- is that true jack? Little jack- no miss truth is he goes to watch the villa. But im too embarresed to say!
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leicesterlass
Trainee
Retired. Catch me on facebook/e-mail on my profile if you wish.
Posts: 8
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Post by leicesterlass on Apr 5, 2006 14:24:28 GMT -1
Two Derby fans are walking along. One of them picks up a mirror, looks in it and says, "Hey I know that bloke." The second one picks it up and says, "Of course you do, you thick git - its me!"
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leicesterlass
Trainee
Retired. Catch me on facebook/e-mail on my profile if you wish.
Posts: 8
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Post by leicesterlass on Apr 5, 2006 14:24:55 GMT -1
Q. What do you call a sheep tied to a lamppost in Derby? A. A leisure centre.
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Post by Stan on Apr 5, 2006 14:28:03 GMT -1
Q. What do you call a sheep tied to a lamppost in Derby? A. A leisure centre. I'm liking you more and more LL... I fecking hate derby scum fans....
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leicesterlass
Trainee
Retired. Catch me on facebook/e-mail on my profile if you wish.
Posts: 8
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Post by leicesterlass on Apr 5, 2006 14:31:31 GMT -1
Q. What do you call a sheep tied to a lamppost in Derby? A. A leisure centre. I'm liking you more and more LL... I fecking hate derby scum fans.... That makes 2 of us ;D
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