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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 15, 2006 20:54:07 GMT -1
80-year-old Bessie bursts into the day room at the OAP home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 15, 2006 20:54:53 GMT -1
A man walks into a bar, after buying a beer he looks around the bar and sees three men and a dog laying cards. Amazed, the man wanders over and starts watching the game. After watching the game for ten minutes, the man leans over to one of the other player's and whispers " Wow, that's a really smart dog!".
The man whispers backs "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail!"
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 15, 2006 21:51:39 GMT -1
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both startled and he says, "If your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your cock is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 121."
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Post by Ninja Squirrel on Feb 16, 2006 15:01:41 GMT -1
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "If your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your cock is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 121." ;D
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Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 16, 2006 15:53:47 GMT -1
Hahahaha, i liked the elephant one, OAP home lol! There all great as usual though!
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 16, 2006 17:31:24 GMT -1
On for our Septic friends:
Did you hear about the gay NFL player? He was drafted as a tight end, but he retired as a wide receiver!!
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 16, 2006 17:45:03 GMT -1
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future held. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! "Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 16, 2006 20:20:51 GMT -1
It has been studied and determined that the most often used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs...
And the wife rolls over and plays dead.
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 17, 2006 22:09:31 GMT -1
T-shirt slogans:
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I work hard because: Millions on welfare depend on me!
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather....not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
I took an IQ test: and the results were.. Negative.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
I have a degree in liberal arts - Do you want fries with that?
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
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Post by normanh on Feb 18, 2006 0:10:56 GMT -1
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "If your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your cock is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 121." ;Dfucking hilarious ;D
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 20, 2006 12:40:16 GMT -1
I try ;D
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Post by Stan on Feb 20, 2006 12:44:15 GMT -1
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
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Post by qprtrooper on Feb 20, 2006 14:23:28 GMT -1
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea (No eyed deer)
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea.
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 20, 2006 17:43:14 GMT -1
Those bought back memories. Remember when those jokes first came out - literally hundreds of them. My fav was
"What do call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?"
BOB
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Post by Fizzy Bread on Feb 20, 2006 17:47:31 GMT -1
What's brown and sticky?
A stick..
Wa wa waaaaaa..
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 20, 2006 17:52:50 GMT -1
;D
What's white and smells of bananas?
Monkey spew!
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Post by Fizzy Bread on Feb 20, 2006 18:00:40 GMT -1
;D What's white and smells of bananas? Monkey spew! Am glad i'm not eating..
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 20, 2006 18:59:27 GMT -1
A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem. She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"
The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me."
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 20, 2006 21:07:18 GMT -1
A doctor walks into a bank and preparing to sign a cheque, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.
Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just fucking great... some asshole's got my pen."
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 20, 2006 21:08:05 GMT -1
Two gynecologists meet at lunch.
The first one says, "I had a patient this morning with a clit like a dill pickle." The second one asks, "That big or that green?"
"That sour."
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