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Post by Roaster©®™ on May 23, 2006 16:43:09 GMT -1
There were three country churches in a small town: Presbyterian, Methodist and Catholic.
Each church was overrun with squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
The Methodist group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the Catholics who were able to come up with the best and most effective solution:
They baptized the little fuckers and registered them as members of the church.
Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter!
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Jun 6, 2006 18:52:04 GMT -1
Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said, 'It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them.'
The second nun said, 'I've found a marvelous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later.'
The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.
'You get them at a chemist, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them.'
The next day the good sister went to the chemist and walked up to the counter.
'Good morning, sister,' the chemist said, 'what can I do for you today?'
'I'd like some condoms please,' said the nun.
The chemist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, 'How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box.'
'I'll take six boxes. That should last about a week,' said the nun.
The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice.
'Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the big liar size.'
The sister thought for a minute and finally said: 'I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?'
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Jun 6, 2006 19:09:30 GMT -1
This is one of my favs! I'm posting it everywhere!!
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dogfight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.
Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a Weenie dog."
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Jun 13, 2006 20:16:55 GMT -1
Amber, A 16 year old cathlic girl goes to confession.
Amber: I called a boy a mother fucker last night.
Priest: Why did you do that?
Amber: He kissed me.
The priest bent over and kissed her.
Priest: like that?
Amber: Yes.
Priest: Is that why you called him a mother fucker?
Amber: No, then he grabbed me butt.
The priest grabbed her butt.
Priest: Like this?
Amber: Yes
Priest: Is that why you called him a mother fucker?
Amber: No, then he pulled my pants down.
The priest then pulled her pants down.
Priest:like this?
Amber:Yes
Priest : Is that why you called him a mother fucker?
Amber: No, then he took off my panties, and put his you know what in my you know where.
The priest took off her panties, and put his you know what in her you know where.
Priest: Like this?
Amber: Yes
Priest: Is that why you called him a mother fucker?
Amber: No
Priest: Then why did you call him a mother fucker?
Amber: He had herpes!
Priest: That MOTHER FUCKER!
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Post by redwhine on Jun 26, 2006 22:29:13 GMT -1
Rev. James has an atheist friend, and they are always playing jokes on each other. Thomas, the atheist, knows that the Rev. is partial to a drop of cherry brandy, but would be embarrassed if his parishioners knew he liked a tipple. He buys a crate of cherry brandy and tells the rev. it's his if he acknowledges the gift in the parish magazine.
After much soul searching, Rev. James accepts the gift.
Thomas is surprised to read on the front page of the parish magazine, in large print, "Rev. James would like to thank his good friend, Thomas, for his gift of fruit, and also for the spirit in which it was given."
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Post by The Lucky C on Jun 26, 2006 23:49:44 GMT -1
Due to extraordinary timing, Bill Clinton dies on the same day as the pope. But due to an admin mix-up, Clinton goes to heaven whilst the Pope goes to hell. Both are informed of the situation when they arrive, but are told that they will have to remain in their respective positions for 24 hours.
The 24 hours come and go, and the pope begins to rise whilst Clinton heads to the bowels of hell. They meet each other half way down, and Clinton apologises to the pope for the mix-up. "It's not a problem my son. I'm actualy quite excitednow" "Why's that?" "All my life I've been waiting to meet the virgin Mary. And nows my chance!" "Oops, You're a day late..."
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Post by redwhine on Jul 9, 2006 4:19:27 GMT -1
Steve does lots of great humanitarian works, and God decides to reward him, offering to make his dearest dream come true.
"I've always wanted to visit Hawaii, but I suffer from terrible seasickness and have a phobia about flying. Build me a road to Hawaii, please."
"Are you joking?" says God, "It's thousands of miles and the foundations would have to reach the sea bed. I can't fathom how to do it.<ouch-sorry > And I'd have to divert all those ships...... Is there nothing else you want?"
"Well, I've always wondered how a womans' mind works. You could explain that to me."
"So how many lanes wide do you want this road, then?"
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Post by redwhine on Jul 9, 2006 4:32:59 GMT -1
Adam is feling a bit lonely .... the novelty of being boss in Eden is wearing off. God says "You need a woman."
"What's a woman?" asks Adam, naievly.
"You'll see. Just go to sleep, and I'll make one from one of your ribs."
Next day, God introduces Adam and Eve, then leaves them to it. That evening, he goes to find them to see how they got on.
" Best thing you ever created." enthused Adam "Shagging is brilliant!"
"But where is Eve," enquires God.
"Well, we've not stopped all day, so she's gone down to the stream to bathe her Fanny."
"OH NO!!!" exclaimed God, "I'll NEVER get the smell off them fish!"
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Post by The Lucky C on Jul 11, 2006 21:04:14 GMT -1
A religous man called Matthew finds himself in trouble. His business have gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decidesto ask God for help. He goes to church and begins to pray.
"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto."
Saturday night come and someone else wins. Matthew goes back to church
"Lord, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm gong to lose my car as well."
Saturday rolls round again and Matthew still he no luck. Back to church.
"My god, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my family is starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a faithful servant. Why won't you let me win the lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order?"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Matthew is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:
"Look, meet me halfway on this one and buy a bloody ticket"
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Post by redwhine on Jul 14, 2006 23:20:53 GMT -1
A Roman Catholic priest and a Rabbi were comparing their jobs. The rabbi asked about the career structure in the R.C. Church.
"Well......I suppose the first rung of the ladder would be theological college, and then become a curate. Next step is to become a priest. If successful, we can end up as a cardinal, or even the pope."
"What comes next?"
"The next thing above pope would be Jesus Christ, and, obviously, that's not possible."
"Why not? One of our boys made it!"
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Post by redwhine on Jul 21, 2006 11:09:05 GMT -1
The Roman Catholic church are now offering exorcisms with payments by installments.
If you don't pay, they repossess your house!
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Aug 25, 2006 21:51:20 GMT -1
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ... "HEBREWS"
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Jan 21, 2007 11:21:26 GMT -1
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He Said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
The preacher said, "No shit?!"
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 9, 2007 21:40:55 GMT -1
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbours were Catholic....and they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said,
"You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."
Bubba's neighbours were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighbourhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbours, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 10, 2007 0:03:52 GMT -1
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library.
The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'."
God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R' ...
the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Mar 10, 2007 0:06:22 GMT -1
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
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Post by Pete the Wolf on Mar 16, 2007 0:18:01 GMT -1
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," Êsays Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car!"Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," Êsays Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car!"
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Dec 5, 2007 21:42:51 GMT -1
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the Pearly Gates past St. Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it."
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Dec 5, 2007 22:14:21 GMT -1
A retired Italian wine maker went to the village church to make his confession for the first time in many decades. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You have no need to confess it."
"It's worse than that, Father," he continued. "She quickly started to repay me with sexual favors."
"People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn't under normal conditions. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. May I ask a question?"
"What, my son?"
"She is pretty old now, should I tell her the war is over?"
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Post by GresleyRam©®™ on Dec 5, 2007 22:17:02 GMT -1
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," Êsays Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car!"Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," Êsays Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car!" Jokes are never as funny when you have to repeat them Pete! ;D
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