|
Post by Roaster©®™ on May 9, 2006 16:17:50 GMT -1
Roaster scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's beautiful," he said. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied, "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men. What's your name?" she asked.
"Beerfuck," he replied
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on May 23, 2006 16:22:50 GMT -1
One day grandpa says to grandma "Why don't we go to the motel like we used to do when we were young and get kinky?"
So they get to the motel and go into the room.
Grandpa takes off his glasses and says he going to get into the shower to freshen up. In the meantime grandma takes off her clothes and gets into bed. She decides to do some leg stretches to limber up ( it's been awhile ). Well she throws her legs over her head and they get caught in the headboard.
Right then grandpa walks out of the bathroom and sees her that way. "My God woman" he says "you need to put your teeth in and comb your hair, you look like an asshole!"
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on May 23, 2006 16:24:12 GMT -1
The first worm says, "What kind of day is it?"
The other worm says, "You know, I don't know, but I was thinking of going up and checking it out."
The first worm says, "That's a good idea. Why don't you do that."
So the second worm starts on his way up through the dirt.
At the same time, two lady golfers are walking along the fairway.
The first one says, "Jeez, I gotta wiz."
Her friend says, "Well, it's very early. There's nobody else here on the course."
"Do it right here. Nobody will know."
The first lady says, "You think so? Right here?"
Her friend says, "Yeah."
And she agrees to do it, because it helps the joke.
She pulls down her skivvies, and lifts up her little golf dress and she squats.
She's just about to commence when the worm pokes his head up out of the grass right below her. She lets fly and he gets drenched.
He's dripping wet as he goes back down through the dirt. He goes up to the first worm, and he's soaking wet.
The first worm looks at him and says, "Oh, it's raining, huh?"
The second worm says, "Not only is it raining, but it's raining so hard the damm birds are building their nests upside-down!"
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on May 23, 2006 16:51:40 GMT -1
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, "JEEZ, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant! He shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!"
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on May 24, 2006 20:47:08 GMT -1
Little Johnny sees that his friend at school has a new watch so he asks him how he got it.
"I waited until I heard the bedsprings squeaking in my folk`s bedroom and then I ran in. My father gave me a watch to get rid of me," replied the little friend.
Little Johnny, thinking that this was a cool idea goes home and waits until he hears the bedsprings squeaking rhythmically and then runs into his folk`s bedroom.
"What do YOU want?!" asks the father gruffly.
"I want a watch!" says Johnny.
"Well then, sit down and shut the fuck up!" Dad replies.
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Jun 6, 2006 18:37:11 GMT -1
This guy is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I had on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Jun 6, 2006 19:10:19 GMT -1
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dogfight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.
Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Jun 13, 2006 10:24:08 GMT -1
One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?" "Over by the holy water, Father. Flat on his ass."
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Jun 13, 2006 10:25:17 GMT -1
Little Johnny is sitting in biology class, when his teacher states the fact that only humans stutter, and no other animal in the world does.
Johnny raises his hand and says. "You're wrong, Miss Finch!"
"Really, would you mind telling us why that is Johnny?"replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss Finch, the other day I was playing with my cat on the porch. The neighbours' Rottweiler came around the corner, and my cat went 'fffff! fffff! fffff!', and before he could say 'Fuck!', the dog ate him!"
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Jun 15, 2006 19:54:43 GMT -1
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.
He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.'"
She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!
One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"
"Why yes, I do. How did you know?"
The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock..."
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Jul 12, 2006 20:20:11 GMT -1
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. ;D
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Sept 30, 2006 9:20:09 GMT -1
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex," she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Oct 16, 2006 19:31:36 GMT -1
The husband had just finished reading a new book, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE". He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands.
Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my guess."
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Nov 3, 2006 22:25:36 GMT -1
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic ask Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Ricky was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Ricky began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded,
"Lil' fuck shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place ......... smack his ass again!"
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Dec 22, 2006 22:59:47 GMT -1
A young minister was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave - side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.
The funeral was to be held in cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As he was not familiar with the backwoods area, he got lost and being like some of the rest of us did not stop and ask for directions.
He finally arrived an hour late. He saw the back hoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. He apologized to the workers for his tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where he saw the vault lid already in place. He assured the workers that he wouldn't hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. And the preacher began. As he preached, some of the workers began to say "Amen", "Praise the Lord", "Glory", and "Allelulha".
Well, it kind of got him going and sort of got wound up and he preached like he'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations. He closed the lengthy service with a prayer, closed his bible and walked to his car.
As he was opening the door and taking off his coat, he overheard one of the workers saying to another," I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for twenty years."
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on May 18, 2007 21:48:51 GMT -1
Why it's important to understand English
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short queue. Just one lady in front of me. . .an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the banker, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?" The banker shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on May 25, 2007 23:17:17 GMT -1
Met an older woman at a bar last night.
She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bullshitted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had the 'sportsman's double', a mother and daughter threesome?
"WOW," I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
"Mum you still awake?"
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Nov 28, 2007 21:06:22 GMT -1
A true story - honestly!
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog food for the puppies, Tallisker and Laphraoig, at Asda and was about to pay.
The woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50lbs before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your trouser or jacket pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard! I'm sinced banned from Asda!
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Jul 4, 2008 21:32:10 GMT -1
A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.
The lodger (fit a fuck) asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself".
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"
"No", replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"
"Oh yes", said the woman and she showed off her huge, hairy muff.
When the husband got back in she asked, "Did you see it?"
"Yes", he said. "But why did you have to show her yours?"
"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it all before."
"I know", he said, "but the fucking darts team ain't!"
|
|
|
Post by Roaster©®™ on Jul 4, 2008 22:26:56 GMT -1
A bloke had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a Customs Officer and that the dog was a trained sniffer dog. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Customs fella said, "Watch this."
He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the custom man's arm. The customs officer said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man. Once again, Sniffer was sent to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the customs officer's arm. The customs fella smiled and said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" said his seat mate.
Sniffer was sent to "search" for a third time. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the customs officer, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.
The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the customs officer "What the fuck?"
The customs officer nervously replied, "He's just found a bomb."
|
|